What’s your attachment style?

I recently took a test to see whether I have a secure or insecure attachment style. It turns out that I have an insecure attachment style. 

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that early relationships with caregivers shape how individuals perceive themselves and interact with others throughout life. 

Here’s how insecure attachment styles—specifically anxious and avoidant attachments—can lead to perfectionism:

Anxious attachment, also known as preoccupied attachment, is characterized by a strong fear of abandonment and an excessive need for approval and reassurance. Individuals with this attachment style often feel insecure about their worth and fear rejection. This insecurity can lead to perfectionism.

• Desire for Approval: Individuals with anxious attachment often believe they must be perfect to be loved or accepted. They may strive to meet excessively high standards, hoping to gain approval, validation, and avoid rejection. Their self-worth becomes tied to external validation, making them prone to perfectionist behaviors.

• Fear of Abandonment: The constant fear of being abandoned can drive individuals to avoid mistakes at all costs. They may think that any error could lead to being judged or rejected, so they strive for flawlessness in their actions, thoughts, and appearance.

• Over-Responsibility: Anxiously attached individuals might feel overly responsible for the happiness of others. They might engage in perfectionist behavior to try and control outcomes, believing that if they do everything perfectly, they can prevent negative outcomes and maintain relationships.

Avoidant attachment, or dismissive-avoidant attachment, is marked by a tendency to downplay the importance of relationships, maintain emotional distance, and rely heavily on self-sufficiency. Despite their appearance of independence, avoidant individuals also experience insecurity, which can manifest in perfectionism.

• Need for Control: Avoidant individuals often strive to maintain control over their environment and emotions to prevent vulnerability. Perfectionism can be a coping mechanism to control outcomes and avoid feeling dependent on others or exposed emotionally.

• Fear of Criticism and Judgment: Avoidant individuals may fear being criticized or judged because it threatens their self-image of competence and independence. They may strive for perfection to avoid situations where their flaws could be exposed, which could make them feel vulnerable or inadequate.

• Emotional Distancing: By focusing on perfection in work, hobbies, or personal appearance, avoidant individuals can distract themselves from emotional discomfort or intimacy issues. Perfectionism can become a way to keep others at a distance, avoiding the need for deep emotional connections that might be uncomfortable.

Insecure attachment styles create a fundamental sense of uncertainty about one’s worth and relationships. This insecurity can lead to perfectionism as a way to cope.

• Coping with Low Self-Esteem: Insecure attachment often results in low self-esteem. Individuals may turn to perfectionism, believing that if they can achieve perfect standards, they will finally feel good about themselves and be worthy of love and respect.

• Managing Anxiety: Both anxious and avoidant attached individuals may experience high levels of anxiety about relationships and self-worth. Perfectionism can serve as a way to manage this anxiety by providing a sense of control and predictability.

• Avoiding Emotional Pain: By focusing on perfection, individuals can distract themselves from underlying emotional pain and the fear of inadequacy. It becomes a way to avoid facing deeper issues related to their attachment style.

An insecure attachment style can lead me to seek security and validation in maladaptive ways. Perfectionism can become a strategy to cope with the fears, insecurities, and unmet needs stemming from these early attachment experiences. While striving for excellence and improvement is healthy, when driven by deep-seated insecurities, it can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and dissatisfaction. Understanding the roots of perfectionism in attachment can help me develop healthier ways to seek fulfillment, connection, and self-acceptance.