No More Mr. Nice Guy

A few months ago I joined a men’s book discussion group. Every six weeks we choose a book to read and then hold an evening video conference to discuss it. The latest book was “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. 

I’d heard this book’s title thrown around a bit, and had even had it recommended to me by two different friends. But I must admit, I was hesitant to read it, mostly because I’ve always thought that being nice was a good thing. So it was providential that I needed to read it for the group discussion. 

After reading the book, I’ll say that I’ve probably been an 80% nice guy for most of my life. Here are some of the traits of the nice guy. Nice guys—

Seek acceptance from others 
Are conflict-avoidant
Are pleasers and givers
Are caretakers
Seek the right way to do things
Try to be perfect and avoid mistakes 
Care a lot about how others perceive them
Have a hard time saying no
Repress their feelings
Want to be different from their fathers
Are more comfortable being with women
Don’t want to rock the boat
Exert tremendous effort to make others happy
Are often co-dependent
Believe they are not OK as they are
Become a chameleon for whoever they are with
Tells people what they want to hear
Link their self-worth to the approval of others
Hide their true intention
Can be perfectionistic
Use indirect ways and manipulation to get what they want
Can be very controlling
Meet other people’s needs at the expense of getting their own needs met
Serve because they think it makes them look good, but might resent it
Are passive-aggressive 
Are afraid if others knew what they were really like, they would be rejected
Withold thoughts and emotions for fear of disapproval from others
Might disagree, but don’t say it, to avoid conflict and arguments
Don’t speak their preferences outright, but beat around the bush
Try to keep the peace 

Most people have some of these traits, but nice guys have most of them.

Luckily the book also includes information on how to move from the nice guy syndrome to becoming the ideal man. The ideal man—

Handles conflict and establishes boundaries.
Holds himself accountable for his own needs and desires.
Addresses and learns from his flaws and mistakes.
Takes charge and genuinely cares for his loved ones.
Communicates and shares his thoughts and emotions openly and honestly.
Builds healthy and meaningful relationships with everyone, including both women and men.

For so long, I was in self-deception about the destructive impacts of being a nice guy. At this point, I am healing from the unhealthy characteristics and increasing in the healthy characteristics. I’m grateful for this book and how it has enlightened my awareness.