Month: May 2017

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 27

Connection
In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown says:  “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives was confirmed when the main concern about connection emerged as the fear of disconnection; the fear that something we have done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection.”
We need to feel like we belong, like we are loved and accepted.  When we don’t, it’s painful.  Naomi Eisenberger, professor of Social Psychology and Director of the Social and Affective Neuroscience Laboratory at UCLA teaches:  The experience of social pain, while temporarily distressing and hurtful, is an evolutionary adaptation that promotes social bonding and, ultimately, survival. “That hurt my feelings.” “My heart was broken.” If you listen closely to the ways in which people describe their experiences of social rejection, you will notice an interesting pattern: we use words representing physical pain to describe these psychologically distressing events. In fact, in the English language we have few means of expressing rejection-related feelings other than with words typically reserved for physical pain. Moreover, using such words to describe experiences of social rejection or exclusion is common to many languages and not unique to English.
Scientific research shows that reaching out to others can help us cope with the trials of life more effectively.  
That’s why we have 12-step support groups, the Addiction Recovery Program.  The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but human connection.  
Often, those who deal with addiction, perfectionism, shame, and many other struggles, tend to pull back, to withdraw, to isolate themselves.  But when they turn toward others and reach out, healing occurs at a faster rate.  
It takes effort to develop friendships and to ask others to be part of our support network.  But it’s worth the effort.  As human beings, we’re designed to connect with others.  No man is an island.  One of the purposes of a church is to provide opportunities for fellowship.  Pres. Hinckley often taught that we all need a friend.  According to God, it isn’t good to be alone.  We’re all part of one large eternal family.  

To be continued . . . with Part 28
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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 26

Fear vs. Love


I recently finished the book “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz.  I really enjoyed it and found that much of it aligned with other concepts I’ve learned over the past few years.  One of the ideas he teaches is that fear is the main cause of suffering.  And that emotions such as anger, envy, shame, guilt, hopelessness, and jealousy are secondary emotions based on fear.  


Ruiz refers to people who decide to embrace the four agreements and generate love and joy in their life as spiritual warriors. It is warfare because you are confronting the old fear-based beliefs in your brain. It may take a few weeks to break free from fear, the oppressiveness of the inner critic, and old emotional habits. Some battles may be lost along the way, but that is to be expected as you invite love and joy into your heart and your life.


The battle of the spiritual warrior is for personal freedom—freedom from fear, delusions, and the fear-based belief system that has controlled your mind. Essentially, it means to win the battle over the beliefs from the past. As you achieve personal freedom, you become free from the emotional suffering caused by your fears. This freedom allows you to live a life of gratitude, non judgment, and love for self and others.   


As I studied this book, I was reminded of phrases from Elder Uchtdorf’s recent Conference talk, Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear.  Here are four of my favorite paragraphs:


My message has two purposes today: The first is to urge us to contemplate and consider the extent to which we use fear to motivate others—including ourselves. The second is to suggest a better way.


It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father.


People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion.


My beloved friends, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, if we ever find ourselves living in fear or anxiety, or if we ever find that our own words, attitudes, or actions are causing fear in others, I pray with all the strength of my soul that we may become liberated from this fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for “perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18).


Being a perfectionist, I’ve struggled with the expectation of having the “perfect” love that casteth out fear.  But I don’t believe this means my love has to be perfect.  Only the pure love of Christ is perfect.  And as I strive to become more like Him, He will perfect my efforts, which will bring the spiritual confidence to dispel fear and invite Love.  
To be continued . . . with Part 27