Family of Origin

My therapist talked with me about the effect our “family of origin” has had on us. The people who raised me and with whom I spent most of my time as a child—this is where I learned to become the person I am. As an adult, understanding how I function emotionally and in relationships is key to successfully navigating the ups and downs of life. 

Was my family lenient, flexible, harsh, abusive, nurturing, dismissive, chaotic, supportive . . . ? How does that translate to where I am today? 

This past summer, my siblings held a sibling reunion. We met at a little town in Southern Idaho for a few days. We hiked, played games, ate, shared, planned, sang, reminisced, taught, and relaxed. (Photo is of me at the City of Rocks National Reserve, where we spent time hiking and exploring.)

In preparation for the reunion, I talked with my therapist about how to make it a positive experience. He explained that family members are often assigned “roles” in the family dynamics: “He’s the organized one. She’s the peacemaker. He’s the family clown. She’s the control freak.” You get the picture. Sometimes these roles are not even spoken; other times they come with labels. But the family member is expected to act in that role. 

Roles often develop early in childhood. Our formative experiences help shape the narratives we hold about ourselves, our core beliefs about who we are, whether we can safely rely on others, etc. Sometimes the survival mechanisms that served us well as children, no longer do as we get older. (See Part 58.) Some issues that can develop from family of origin include: perfectionism, low self-worth, trust issues, emotional dysregulation, and codependency. 

My therapist and I talked about how, when I get back into those family dynamics, I tend to revert to the unspoken expectations others have of me. He asked, “Instead of regressing back to 7-year-old Arlen or 13-year-old Arlen, what version of Arlen would you like to bring to the reunion?” I decided that my current version of myself is the best I’ve ever been. So I would bring him. 

And I did. There were a few times I felt myself defaulting to past familial scripts, but I was able to (thanks to my mindfulness training) quickly acknowledge it and kindly direct myself back to where I wanted to be. 

As I share this, I don’t want to imply that my family is any more dysfunctional than other families. I love my siblings and I’m grateful for my family of origin. There’s no other extended family I’d rather have (which is good, because I’m stuck with them). 

To be continued . . . with Part 90