There Is a Space

One tendency I have that gives me grief is when I act before I think—or (more accurately) feel. If I’m really angry, nine times out of ten I will say or do something I will later regret. If I make a mistake, I’ll likely go right into shame, which is an unproductive place to stay. 

Psychologist and Holocaust survivor, Dr. Viktor E. Frankl, who wrote, Man’s Search for Meaning, says:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” 

This space may be just a fraction of a second, or longer. It may be the time it takes me to count to ten, take a couple of clearing breaths, or ask myself what would be the better way to behave. If I can push the pause button and widen the gap, I have more options. I have more freedom to choose. (See 2 Nephi 2:27.)

In his book, Permission to Feel, Marc Brackett, Ph.D. calls this the “Meta-Moment.” 

In simplest terms, it’s a pause. The meta-moment is you hitting the brakes and stepping out of time. We call it meta because it’s a moment about a moment.

It’s where we stop the action and say, “I need to take a pause and a deep breath right now so I don’t blow my top or break down sobbing or otherwise react in a way I will probably regret.”

Instinctively, we sense that this will help, and biology proves us right. Pausing and taking a deep breath activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which reduces the release of cortisol, the stress hormone, and automatically lowers our emotional temperature.

It also gives us the chance to quickly ask a few questions that might be useful, such as: “What would my best self do right now?” That ideal, hypothetical person is comprised of attributes we would use to describe our best selves from our own perspective and from the perspective others—how we’d like to be experienced, seen, or talked about. For some people it’s a set of adjectives like compassionate, empathic, or conscientious; for others it can be an image or an object. A good friend who is a manager at Facebook has a photo on her desk that reminds her to be her best self.

Visualizing our best-self redirects our attention away from the “trigger.” This helps us to choose a helpful emotion regulation strategy, like positive self-talk or reappraisal, and then respond accordingly.

I believe that the space between stimulus and response is where the Atonement of Christ can operate. When I’m in that space, if I will take a second and ask for His help, the enabling power of His grace can influence me to be better than what I could be in-and-of my own strength. It’s the difference between reacting and responding.

To be continued . . . with Part 69