I grew a beard.

I’ve always cared too much about what other people thought of me. 

I’ve employed the Four Ps, which are performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving (Brené Brown). None of these are inherently bad, but when they are done for the wrong reasons, they perpetuate the “not good enough” mentality I’ve struggled with for most of my life. 

While I worked at BYU-Idaho, I obeyed the Honor Code which includes a dress and grooming standard: Men are expected to be clean-shaven; beards are not acceptable. 

Upon seeing my beard, some might think, “Well, now that you’re retired and are no longer subject to the Honor Code, you’re rebelling against what was a requirement for so many years.” 

Rather than “rebelling against” I’d prefer to use the words “healing from.” 

In the last few years, I’ve noticed a difference between doctrine and culture. In the Church, we have rules and laws, and that’s wonderful—except when they are twisted beyond what the Lord expects or wants. Is it OK for a deacon to pass the sacrament if he’s wearing a blue shirt? When I sustain church leaders, must I use my right hand? Can I polish my shoes on Sunday? 

There are good reasons to wear a white shirt while passing the sacrament, to sustain leaders with my right hand, and to avoid polishing my shoes on Sunday. But they are more cultural than doctrinal. They aren’t in the Handbook. 

It reminds me of the 613 items in the Jewish Law. At some point it becomes pharisaical. How many steps can I take on the sabbath? Etc.

For most people, this wouldn’t be an issue. But for a perfectionist, it’s huge. Not only do I expect a high standard of myself, but I also expect it of others. So I easily become judgmental. 

“I can’t believe she’s got two piercings in her ears; doesn’t she follow the prophet?”
“He’s wearing a chain with a cross symbol; doesn’t he know we worship a living Christ?”
“That girl is wearing a tattoo; she obviously doesn’t respect her body.” 

Again, these are more cultural than doctrinal. Will they prevent someone from getting a temple recommend? Not necessarily. 

Some might say that if we loosen our standards on small things, then we’ll eventually loosen them on larger things. If I grow a beard, then I’m facing the wrong direction and will go downhill. That sounds pretty judgmental and perfectionistic. 

So, growing a beard is therapeutic for me. It allows me to enter a gray area without beating up on myself. I can do this and believe that the Lord is still pleased with me. 

“. . . the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) 

To be continued . . . with Part 87