Perfectionism and Belonging

I recently spent several days with a friend and his relatives at a family get-together in another state. Knowing that they were members of a different religion and that I would likely be the only LDS person there gave me some anxiety. Would I feel “other” and like I didn’t fit in? Would I feel excluded? 

It turned out that my fears were unfounded. They welcomed me warmly and I quickly felt a sense of belonging. Since returning from the trip, I’ve been exploring why I felt that insecurity about how I would be received. I’ve made some connections with my perfectionism. 

As a child, I sometimes felt that I didn’t fit in with the other kids my age — at school, at church, and in the neighborhood. Those feelings planted some seeds that grew into perfectionism later on. Here are some ways that can happen. 

A sense of deficiency. When a child feels “different” or “not enough” compared to his peers, it can create a faulty core belief: “Something is wrong with me.” Perfectionism became a way to try to fix that sense of deficiency by proving my worth through achievements and performance.

Conditional belonging. Kids have a strong need for belonging. When I felt like I wasn’t accepted just as I was, I concluded, “If I can be perfect, then they’ll let me in.” That turns belonging into something conditional, based on what I do, not who I am.

Fear of rejection. Exclusion can make rejection feel painful. Perfectionism became a shield. “If I never make a mistake, I won’t give anyone a reason to reject me.”

Comparing myself to others. Being on the outside can make a child very aware of differences. That comparison carried into adulthood, increasing the pressure to be “better” in order to measure up. 

Those childhood experiences of exclusion left me feeling “not enough.” Perfectionism grows out of the hope that by being flawless, I can finally secure the acceptance and belonging that I felt was missing.

A healing piece of this journey was learning that belonging doesn’t come from perfection; it comes from understanding my divine nature as a son of God, and trusting that He is pleased with me, just as I am.