self-improvement

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 126

Don’t go it alone

One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned about overcoming perfectionism is that we don’t have to do it alone. Perfectionism thrives in isolation. When we get stuck in our own heads, worrying about every mistake or every possible shortcoming, our perspective gets distorted. The pressure feels heavier, the hill we’re climbing seems steeper, and the burden feels too much to carry.

Interestingly, this isn’t just a metaphor—it’s something science has actually studied. In the NIH article, “Social Support and the Perception of Geographical Slant,” researchers found that people literally see physical challenges—like the steepness of a hill—as less daunting when they are with a supportive friend. Just the presence of someone they trusted and felt connected to made the climb seem easier.

That research resonates so much with perfectionism. When we’re alone with our unrealistic standards and inner critics, everything feels like a mountain we can’t climb. But when we bring safe, supportive people into the process—whether that’s a spouse, a trusted friend, or a group of fellow strugglers—we feel lighter. Suddenly, it doesn’t feel like we’re carrying the burden by ourselves.

From a gospel perspective, this principle runs deep. God designed us to live in community, to “bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light” (Mosiah 18:8). Christ Himself promised, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them” (Matthew 18:20). In other words, connection with others is not just emotionally helpful—it invites the Spirit and brings the Savior’s healing presence into our lives.

For those of us wrestling with perfectionism, this matters. Perfectionism often whispers that we’re not good enough, that we have to earn love, and that we’ll never measure up. But connection with others provides a powerful countervoice. A supportive friend or loved one reminds us that we are valued as we are, not just for what we achieve. And when we combine that with gospel truths—that our worth is infinite as sons and daughters of God, and that Christ’s grace is sufficient even when we fall short—we begin to loosen perfectionism’s grip.

I believe one of the adversary’s tactics is to keep us isolated, because in isolation, perfectionism has the upper hand. But as soon as we step into connection—whether through trusted relationships, ward communities, or even small acts of vulnerability—light begins to shine into the darkness. Just as in that NIH study, the hill before us feels less overwhelming when someone is walking beside us.

So if you’re struggling with perfectionism, don’t try to conquer it alone. Reach out. Let someone into your journey. Share the load, and allow the Savior to be part of your relationships. With social support and the grace of Christ, the path forward becomes not only possible but filled with hope.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 112

Urgent vs. Important

As a teenager attending Dixie High School in St. George, UT, I played trombone in the marching band. A few times each year, we would march in parades that started going east on Main Street and later turned and came back west on Tabernacle Street. Our band director was a stickler for dressing appropriately. We wore the band uniforms and each of us had to buy our own white sneakers. 

One time when we were marching in a homecoming parade, trombones leading the band, I looked down and saw that the shoelace on my right shoe had come untied. The shoe was becoming looser on my foot. I knew that at some point I would need to stop, step out of line, and tie the shoelace. Otherwise, I would lose the shoe. 

As we marched along, I began thinking about when and where might be a good place to step out. I watched for places where fewer spectators were along the route. I also wanted to choose a time when we were not playing a tune or doing a formation or maneuver. 

It took my attention away from doing my job as a member of the marching band. It was difficult to concentrate on marching and also plan where to stop. 

Since then, I have used this dilemma as a metaphor. When I have something important that needs to be done, yet there hasn’t been a convenient time to do it, it’s always there at the back of my mind. “It feels like my shoelace is untied.” 

For a perfectionist, this creates angst. I have a checklist mentality and not being able to check everything off feels unsettling. It also messes with my ability to distinguish between what is urgent and what is important. 

In a 1954 speech, President Dwight D. Eisenhower said, “I have two kinds of problems, the urgent and the important. The urgent are not important, and the important are never urgent.” 

The Eisenhower Matrix, also known as the Urgent-Important Matrix, is a time management and decision-making method to help effectively prioritize tasks. The framework categorizes your tasks into four quadrants based on their urgency and importance:

I. Important and urgent
Tasks that have high importance and need immediate attention.
• Answer urgent emails
• Medical emergencies
• Projects with deadlines
• Crises and catastrophes
                       
II. Important, but not urgent
Tasks that don’t have a deadline but move you closer to your goals.
• Long-term planning
• Personal improvement
• Relationship building
• Values clarification
                       
III. Not important, but urgent
Tasks that need to get done but don’t need your expertise. 
• Busy work
• Meal prep
• Interruptions
• Plan staff picnic
                       
IV. Not important and not urgent
Tasks that don’t add value and can distract you from your goals. 
• Binge on social media
• Video games
• Infuriating political news
• Sort your junk mail

Stephen R. Covey, popularized the Eisenhower Matrix, showing how it can help in achieving personal and professional effectiveness. He stressed that the key to time management isn’t about doing more, but rather deciding where your time is best spent.

How might a perfectionist struggle with approaching tasks in these four quadrants? 

Quadrant I: Perfectionists may struggle with tasks in this quadrant because the urgency can increase their fear of making mistakes. They might spend a lot of time perfecting details, which can lead to stress and burnout.

Quadrant II: Perfectionists may procrastinate on starting these tasks due to the desire to perform them flawlessly.

Quadrant III: Perfectionists may find it difficult to delegate or ignore tasks in this quadrant, even though they do not contribute significantly to long-term goals. They might feel compelled to handle these tasks personally to ensure they are done correctly.

Quadrant IV: Perfectionists might get caught up in these tasks as a form of procrastination or because they feel guilty about leaving any task undone.

By becoming aware of these potential pitfalls, I can hopefully avoid them and put my efforts toward becoming more effective.