Stepping into Uncertainty

Earlier this month, Elder Bruce C. Hafen and his wife Marie came to the BYUI campus to speak at an Academic Forum.  They also met with faculty in a separate meeting. They have recently written a new book called, “Faith is not Blind,” and sent Chapter 2 to all faculty so we could be prepared for their message.  I was enthralled with the chapter and quickly finished the whole book. One of my favorite chapters is entitled “Productive Ambiguity.”  

I’ve always had a hard time dealing with ambiguity, because of the need to be “in control.”  Typical of perfectionists is that we are planned and organized. We don’t like surprises and are not impulsive.  We like security and are low-risk.

The Hafens teach that on the other side of complexity is simplicity.  They quote Oliver Wendell Holmes, the great American judge. He said, “I would not give a fig for the simplicity on this side of complexity. But I would give my life for the simplicity on the other side of complexity.”

There’s a stage in our personal development, where we’re kind of innocent.  Our ideas are unchallenged.  And as we grow, it’s a natural process that we will encounter new thoughts, new people, new experiences.  And that can be very challenging.  That is the complexity Holmes is talking about.  People sometimes get stuck in that complexity.  They never get out, their hearts are hardened, and life becomes really difficult.  What Holmes says to us is that maybe the complexity actually makes it possible for us to arrive at a place of informed faith.

If I sit in comfort and naïveté, I’m untested and inexperienced.  But if I am willing to go through complex issues and trials, I can achieve a simple trust born of experience.  

Also earlier this month I read a BYU devotional talk by Scott Miller called “Humble Uncertainty.”  Here are a few of my favorite parts:

Life itself is very much like college. There may be times when we wish for the tests to be simplified or waived altogether and when we forget that life is a complex system designed by loving Heavenly Parents to make us into better people and prepare us for an eternity of expanding opportunities. Sometimes, when we pray to have our trials end quickly, we are like first-year students sending home pity-me texts. If God were to immediately swoop in and rescue us, eternity itself might just prove to be something of a basement experience.

Instead, God, like other wise parents, knows that great things will come out of the difficulties and challenges we face. He knows our eternal identity and potential. We, on the other hand, are often clueless about that identity and live forever perched at the edge of a dark, inscrutable path we call the future. We cannot see what lies ahead, which can make our journey discouraging, if not utterly terrifying.

These things we fear have their positive sides too, and we should not be so consumed by our fears and uncertainties that we abandon hope and never move forward. There was a reason Moses, Lehi, and Brigham Young were all commanded to leave comfort and security and strike off into the wilderness. That is where the burning bush, the Liahona, and Zion were awaiting. When we muster the faith to confront our doubts and fears by venturing forward into the dark unknown, we may learn that simple faith might be as fragile as starlight but that it can also guide our journey, fixed as the North Star.

This hits home to me because right now, I’m facing a situation where I have no control over the outcome.  Without going into detail, I feel like I’m stepping into the darkness and I’m forced to trust the outcome to God.  It’s uncomfortable. But then, as the saying goes, there’s no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone.  The trial of my faith comes in the uncertain moments, not when I know exactly what I’m doing.  As I go forth, like Nephi, not knowing beforehand what I will do, my faith is strengthened and I grow in my discipleship.  

To be continued . . . with Part 51

General Conference

As usual, this post will highlight teachings from General Conference earlier this month, that impress me as being useful for those of us who are perfectionistic.  

The first one is by Becky Craven.  She taught:  “It’s impossible to live a perfect life. Only one man was able to live perfectly while dwelling on this telestial planet. That was Jesus Christ. Although we may not be perfect, brothers and sisters, we can be worthy: worthy to partake of the sacrament, worthy of temple blessings, and worthy to receive personal revelation.”

Next is one by Sharon Eubank.  Her talk was about staying connected to Jesus Christ—our source of light.  She shared this hopeful testimony:  “I testify you are beloved. The Lord knows how hard you are trying. You are making progress. Keep going. He sees all your hidden sacrifices and counts them to your good and the good of those you love. Your work is not in vain. You are not alone. His very name, Emmanuel, means ‘God with us.’ He is surely with you.”

But my favorite talk of the whole conference was by Elder Kim B. Clark.  Look at what he taught:  “When the Lord calls [us] to ‘look unto me in every thought’ and ‘behold the wounds’ in His resurrected body, it is a call to turn away from sin and the world and to turn to Him and love and obey Him. It is a call to teach His doctrine and do His work in His way. It is, therefore, a call to trust Him completely, surrender our will and yield our hearts to Him, and through His redeeming power become like Him.

“…if we look unto Jesus Christ, He will bless us to be humble, meek, submissive, full of His love. And we will bring the joy and blessings of His gospel and His Church to our families and our brothers and sisters on both sides of the veil.”

President Russell M. Nelson has called us to look unto Jesus Christ in just this way: “There is nothing easy or automatic about becoming such powerful disciples. Our focus must be riveted on the Savior and His gospel. It is mentally rigorous to strive to look unto Him in every thought. But when we do, our doubts and fears flee.”

Rivet is a great word. It means to fasten firmly, to attract and hold completely. We rivet our focus on Jesus Christ and His gospel by living our covenants.

When we live our covenants, they influence everything we say and do. We live a covenant life full of simple, everyday acts of faith that focus us on Jesus Christ: prayer from the heart in His name, feasting on His word, turning to Him to repent of our sins, keeping His commandments, partaking of the sacrament and keeping His Sabbath holy, worshipping in His holy temple as often as we can, and exercising His holy priesthood to serve God’s children.

These acts of covenant devotion open our hearts and minds to the redeeming power of the Savior and the sanctifying influence of the Holy Ghost. Line upon line, the Savior changes our very nature, we become more deeply converted unto Him, and our covenants come alive in our hearts.

The promises we make to our Heavenly Father become rock-solid commitments, our deepest desires. Heavenly Father’s promises to us fill us with gratitude and joy. Our covenants cease to be rules we follow and become beloved principles that inspire and guide us and rivet our focus on Jesus Christ.

One of the reasons I like this so much is because he not only tells us to “look unto me in every thought,” but he also tells us how.  Often, I read or hear that I need to do or be something—such as “be Christlike” or “give your heart to Christ”—but I’m not told how to do it.  And so, for a perfectionist, Elder Clark’s teaching is great—not so we can see it as a checklist of things to do, but so we can know where to focus our energies and priorities.  

To be continued . . . with Part 50

Wild at Heart

If you heard my devotional talk from last October, or if you read Part 35 of this blog, you know that I have had a difficult time my whole life trying to feel God’s love for me.  I’m sure part of that is because I have kept my heart somewhat closed and protected. So in this post I’m going to share an experience I had that significantly opened my heart to His love.  

A few years ago, a friend suggested I read the book Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul, by John Eldredge.  I did, and found the book fascinating.  

From the back cover of the book:  “Every man was once a boy. And every little boy has dreams, big dreams, dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress. But what happens to those dreams when we grow up? Walk into most churches, have a look around, and ask yourself: What is a Christian man? Without listening to what is said, look at what you find there. Most Christian men are . . . bored. Wild at Heart, invites men to recover their masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God.”

However, at that time I wasn’t in a place in my own journey to really embrace the concepts.  So I kept the book on my shelf and periodically revisited the ideas.

Then last fall I listened to a podcast on Leading Saints called Wild at Heart in Church Leadership: An Interview with Doug Nielsen.  The podcast reignited in me some of the things I had read and also applied it to our elders quorums.  While progress is being made in ministering to men in the Church, it seems that a lot of men are still in checklist mentality, living in should’s and ought to’s rather than living from a place of passion, connection, honesty, and vulnerability.  (See this article by my colleague, Sheldon Lawrence, A Quorum of Strangers: On the Isolation of Mormon Men.)  

I subscribe to the Leading Saints emails and I received one where Kurt Francom (owner of Leading Saints) described attending a retreat based on the Wild at Heart book and concepts.  The Warrior Heart boot camp was an opportunity to actually implement those concepts personally.  

As I read of Kurt’s experience there, my own heart yearned for a similar experience.  I looked into the possibility of attending. Things fell into place and I found myself in Wanship, Utah earlier this month.  For three days, I was continually presented with the idea that God loves me—unconditionally. For part of the first day my cold, closed heart held on tightly, skeptical that God could really love me that way.  But gradually I was convinced to let go of the hardness and the Lord broke down the barriers I had built up many years ago. He offered His Love to me over and over, and it sank deep into my heart. It was a truly transformational time for me.  

Why this retreat worked for me:

(First, let me say that the retreat isn’t for everyone.  I’m only sharing my own personal experience. I’m not advertising it and I don’t get a commission if others attend.)

1. I was in a place apart from “the world” in the mountains where the beauties of nature were all around me.  God’s handiwork was so evident. It was scenic and glorious.
2. We were asked to leave our phones and other devices in our cars, so we could unplug from the outside world and not be distracted.
3. The sessions were presented by men who have worked the concepts themselves.  They have walked the walk, and were very genuine and honest. The ideas presented were scripturally based and not just therapeutic.  
4. After each session we had alone time with God.  Just Him, me, and my journal. No putting on a front or trying to impress anyone.  Nothing else to do but to talk with Him. Share my fears, my shame, my sadness, my hopes, my passion, my resolve.  This is where I felt His love in my heart most convincingly.
5. I experienced a real sense of brotherhood and supportiveness from the other men there.  Not just from those who were facilitating the weekend, but from those who were, like me, attending for the first time.  I really only knew one other man there, yet in a matter of hours, previous strangers were sharing and interacting like old friends.  It was great to connect with them authentically.
6. In the past, when I had felt God’s love, it seemed like it was short-lived.  Soon after, I’d start doubting whether I actually felt it or not. But for the duration of the retreat, the feeling was constant.  There was no mistaking or denying it. In fact, part of the reason I’m writing about it here, is so that if I ever doubt His love in the future, I’ll have this as a reminder.   

As I drove home Saturday night, I wondered what it would take to get the same feeling in our elders quorums.  

To be continued . . . with Part 49

The Atonement Application Program

Years ago, when the Church realized that members needed help dealing with addiction, they looked at what worked and didn’t work.  In conjunction with LDS Family Services (then known as LDS Social Services) the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous were adapted into the framework of the doctrines, principles, and beliefs of the Church.  This was back in the late 1990s. Working with those who had experienced recovery, the first ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) guide was approved in 2002.  Since that time, many individuals have attended the weekly meetings and benefited from the principles in the program.  

I was first introduced to the program when I was a bishop of a YSA Ward at BYU-Idaho.  I encouraged several students to attend, and even attended one meeting with a young man from my ward who was too fearful to attend by himself.  

As a family, we decided to use the manual as a resource for our family home evening lessons for a few months.  It was interesting and I liked that there were some good scriptures and quotes incorporated into the steps.  But I didn’t really see that it applied to me.  After all, I wasn’t an addict.

Although I don’t have a bona fide addiction (like alcohol, drugs, pornography, gaming, etc.), I have compulsions, preferences, pleasures, fears, and impulses that sometimes take center stage over my better judgment.  

Recently, I’ve had a few acquaintances refer to the program and praise its approach.  And so I’ve picked it up again and begun studying it again.  One friend calls it the Atonement Application Program.  

It might work with addicts, but it’s not limited to them; everyone everywhere can benefit from it.  We all need to go through our Step 8s, our Step 3s, our Step 6s. If we believe it is only for people who are addicts, we are missing the message—the whole Grace message of Christ’s sacrifice.  We’ll miss seeing that we need Christ in our own selves.  But how poor a gauge we are of our own health.  That’s why we go to doctors.  They can give us doctor’s orders to change certain behaviors that are self destructive.  We don’t tend to find that out ourselves.  Hence, the need for a program.

If this program didn’t work, the Church wouldn’t waste resources on it.  But a tremendous amount of effort has been made.  Like this website.  And this series of inspirational videos.  And support groups that meet all over the country.  

Elder Ballard taught in the October 2010 General Conference:  “I testify to you that your body, mind, and spirit can be transformed, cleansed, and made whole, and you will be freed.”  

The truth shall make us free.  Free from bad habits, and faulty thinking patterns.  Free from the consequences of false ideas whispered by the adversary.  And free from perfectionistic compulsions.

To be continued . . . with Part 48

The Real Enemy

When I feel frustrated, inadequate, discouraged, my knee-jerk reaction is to identify where the problem is so that I can get past it.  The sooner I can get back to a “good place,” the better. So whatever is rocking the boat is the enemy. Often, I look to place blame on someone who has criticized or demeaned me.  Sometimes I feel that what is happening is “not fair.” I know that I tend to have an extreme sense of justice.

One of the mistakes I’ve made is misidentifying the real enemy.  

Satan strives to keep me stuck, to stop my progress.  He wants me to be damned, like he is. But he is very subtle.  He doesn’t make his presence obviously known to me. As Nephi says, “Others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance.”

Elder Renlund was specific when he taught: Lucifer is this accuser. He spoke against us in the premortal existence, and he continues to denounce us in this life. He seeks to drag us down. He wants us to experience endless woe. He is the one who tells us we are not adequate, the one who tells us we are not good enough, the one who tells us there is no recovery from a mistake. He is the ultimate bully, the one who kicks us when we are down.

If Lucifer were teaching a child to walk and the child stumbled, he would scream at the child, punish him, and tell him to quit trying. Lucifer’s ways bring discouragement and despair—eventually and always. This father of lies is the ultimate purveyor of falsehood and cunningly works to deceive and distract us, “for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.”

Pres. Nelson added:  The adversary is increasing his attacks on faith and upon us and our families at an exponential rate. To survive spiritually, we need counterstrategies and proactive plans.

So, one of my counterstrategies is this:  When I feel like life (or someone) isn’t treating me fairly, I stop and realize that Satan has a vested interest in me.  He’ll do what he can to cause me to react out of fear, or shame, or pride. If I can recognize where that’s coming from, I can reframe my thinking and choose a healthier reaction.  

If I’ve had an argument with someone, rather than saying to myself that I’m not good at communicating, I can recognize that the devil “stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.”  And I can set a boundary around faulty thinking, which helps me avoid the perfectionistic mindset.

When I come to realize that I and my fellow beings are not the enemy, I can adjust my thinking and my focus.  I can appropriately fortify myself against the real enemy.

To be continued . . . with Part 47

Objectification

What does it mean to objectify someone?  It means that I see/treat them as an object rather than as a person.  If I objectify someone I might see them (and their concerns) as an annoyance to be brushed aside so I can get past them and move on.  

An example of this might be a character in a video game.  I see this character coming toward me with a sword.  I need to fight him and get him out of the way so I can proceed in the game.  So I pull out my sword and slay him.  Or I see a character who has something I want (treasure, essence, a key, power) and if I eliminate him, I can take his possession and move to the next level better equipped to succeed.  

Since this video game character is not a real person, it’s easy to treat him as an object to be used for my own purposes.  But if he were a real person, would that change my behavior?

I can approach people from one of two operating systems:
Relational Operating System = All people have value.
Object Operating System = All people are objects, to be used.

To see people in terms of myself is to see an object, not a person.  Here are some ways I may see others as objects:

• better than me
• worse than me
• labeled by me
• a vehicle to help me get my way
• irrelevant
• a means by which I alter based on what I see

Objectifying is shame-based, selfish, impulsive, temporary, and stems from feelings of worthlessness.  

Reducing people to mere objects is the way I resist them and the human connection I have to them.  It is also the way I keep myself disconnected from others and the important part of me.

When I see others as real people it results in empathy, respect for them and for myself, feelings of value and worth, safety, and the ability to look past weakness.  

President Thomas S. Monson said, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

The better I feel about myself, the more I am able to treat others as valuable children of God.

To be continued . . . with Part 46

Embrace the Marginalized

A few years ago, Elder Robert C. Gay of the Seventy gave a commencement address at BYU-Idaho.  Among other things, he encouraged the graduates to “embrace the marginalized of this world, or as the Savior said, the lost, the last, and the least.”

Who are the marginalized?  What if one of these people showed up at your Sacrament Meeting?

What if someone joined your ward who was from Albania, or Nigeria, or Bolivia or Mongolia?  (Or Mars, for that matter.) What if they wore different clothing to church – a sarong or a kilt or a burka or a lavalava, or shorts and sandals?  What if a woman showed up with tattoos and body piercings? What if two men showed up who were living a gay lifestyle but who wanted the influence of the gospel in their life?  What if an unwed teenager who was obviously pregnant came to Sacrament Meeting? What if someone of a different political persuasion came? What about someone who reeked of tobacco smoke or alcohol?  An excommunicated man? A young lady who came home from her mission early? A returned missionary who is addicted to porn? An ex-convict who spent 20 years in prison?

How would we react if these people showed up at church?  Would we escort them back outside? Would we whisper about them behind their backs?  Would we avoid them? Or would we go up to them and welcome them, shake their hands, and introduce ourselves. 

Here’s a little quiz about how to react to people around us who are different:

When I see someone who is different from me, I should:

1. Avoid them so that their differentness doesn’t rub off on me.
2. Get to know them, so that I can be less judgmental and broaden my life experience.
3. Love them, as a brother or sister, regardless of their differences.

But what if someone else’s beliefs or practices are in direct opposition to gospel principles and true doctrine?  I should:

1. Criticize them or try to convert them.
2. Befriend them and engage in some civil dialogue with them.
3. Love them and pray for them.

I have a co-worker who continually blasts the church and it’s members.  I should:

1. Blast him back.  
2. Defend the church and try to show him the error of his ways.
3. Love him and be an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. (1 Tim 4:12)

Elder Uchtdorf taught:  I hope that we welcome and love all of God’s children, including those who might dress, look, speak, or just do things differently. It is not good to make others feel as though they are deficient. Let us lift those around us. Let us extend a welcoming hand.

To be continued . . . with Part 45

The Devotional Talk

I spoke at the weekly devotional at BYU-Idaho this past week.  (See the 3rd tab near the top of this page.)

Back in August when I was asked if I would speak this semester, I agreed, not knowing how much it would occupy my attention for several weeks.  I was not given a topic, but was told to share “my story.”  I was also told to not make it all about me but to give something that would bless students and make the talk more relatable to by the larger group.  Further, I was encouraged to use media to make it more engaging, and to not simply give a doctrinal talk but to think outside the box.  As I prayerfully approached the assignment, it became obvious what  my story is.

I started posting on Imperfect Guy in March of 2015, and have told my story through these monthly blog posts.  So I began reading through them to pull what I thought might be most helpful and started putting it together.  I had a limit of 3,000 words or about 20 minutes.  So as I narrowed it down, I prayed that I’d be guided to include the content that would benefit others.

The scriptures, books, quotes, pictures, and conference talks I referred to have been significant in my growth.

The list of 70 that I showed might seem overly long.  If I’d had time to choose one more for the talk, it would have been Counseling / Therapy.  It’s a huge area that’s so often overlooked because of the stigma associated with needing to see a “shrink.”

In my efforts to feel God’s love, mindfulness and guided imagery have been powerful, so I decided to add that at the end.  Dr. Gary Weaver calls it “calling council.”  I figured it might be a little bit unconventional, but hoped it would be effective.  (When I ask people to close their eyes and get comfortable in a dark room, it could be seen as a nice opportunity to take a short nap.)

Then I heard again a beautiful song with a message that fit the theme of the talk—Gentle, by Michael McLean.  Since I’m a singer, I thought I might sing that song at the end of the talk.  But we weren’t able to obtain permission to use the song.  And I thought it might draw more attention to me, instead of to the message.  Plus, it didn’t fit within the 20-minute guideline.

Preparing for and delivering the talk has been a tremendous learning experiences, which has brought me closer to God.

The talk wasn’t perfect . . . which is exactly the point.

(You can read or watch the devotional.  See the 3rd tab near the top of this page.)

To be continued . . . with Part 44