The “Act As If” Principle

My mission president taught us the “act as if” principle.  If you want to be dedicated and faithful, act as if you already are.  If you want to be happy and optimistic, act as if you are. I liked that, but it was difficult.  Because of my perfectionism, I usually felt like I wasn’t measuring up. But I put on the façade that I was doing okay.  So it was an act, since I didn’t really feel good about myself.  

Story of my life.

I once took a Theater Arts class at BYU-Idaho called “Actors and Emotion” which focuses on methods for generating emotional experiences while performing.  We learned how to conjure up emotions.  If I wasn’t feeling sad, I could generate that emotion in myself.  It seemed artificial.  If I were actually an actor it would probably be useful.  But because I’m not an actor I didn’t feel good about creating sadness or anger or joy, because it didn’t seem honest.  

By putting on a happy face and smiling, I’ve been criticized (and I’ve criticized myself) for not being authentic.  However, scriptures teach me to “be of good cheer” (Matt 9:3, D&C 68:6, Acts 23:11, Matt 14:27, D&C 61:36, John 16:33).  I love the teaching that we should “cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed” (D&C 123:17).  

So is it OK for me to smile even though I’m going through trials?  Is putting on a happy face like burying my head in the sand or putting on blinders?  

In my Come, Follow Me studies this month, Paul admonished me to “put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ.”  What does that mean?  Can I put Him on, like I would put on a piece of clothing while getting dressed in the morning, and then throughout the day try to act as he would act?  If I were to put Him on as a mask, would I find myself interacting with others in a more Christlike way?  And then after years of wearing Him daily, when I eventually take off the mask, would I find that I’ve taken on His image in my countenance?  

I’m currently re-reading the book “Bonds That Make Us Free” by C. Terry Warner, of the Arbinger Institute.  Near the end of Chapter 11 is this passage:

Behind all this discussion about what we can do to facilitate our own change of heart stands this simple question:  Since we cannot bring about a change of heart in ourselves directly, what can we do directly that will indirectly bring about a change of heart?  The answer is this: Even if we find ourselves unable to do the right thing with concern, compassion, or love, we can nevertheless do it because it is right.  

Pres. Russell M. Nelson taught:  “The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

So if I can focus on gratitude and peace and joy, even when I’m living in difficult circumstances, I’ll be more apt to find those blessings.  I can choose to act as if I’m happy because it’s the right thing to do.  And it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Men are that they might have joy, even in the midst of adversity.  

To be continued . . . with Part 54

A World at War

I was born into a world at war.  I’m not trying to sound dramatic.  According to scripture, before I was born, there was war in heaven.  Adam and his angels fought against the dragon, or Lucifer.  Lucifer and his angels fought and lost the battle.  He, and a third of the hosts of angels fell and were cast down to the earth, never to receive bodies, and to spend their time trying to get the rest of us to fall also, to make us miserable, like themselves.  

So I was born into a fallen world, a lone and dreary, telestial world removed from the presence of my Father, God.  A world of pain and afflictions, thorns and briars, trials and tribulations.  Those trials and afflictions can be useful, if they bring me back to God.  

At a young age, I was wounded.  No, I wasn’t physically abused.  But I began to take on the culture around me that told me I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t good and valuable.  And each time I was wounded, I made agreements with myself that limited my ability to become all that God wanted me to be.  

When I did this growing up, I internalized many beliefs about myself that I thought were true.  But now that I better understand the influence of the adversary in our lives, I can see that these were lies, whispered in my ear by the father of lies.  He made those agreements with me so he could limit my potential. Not good enough. Not smart enough or talented enough.  Unworthy.  Unloveable.  Can’t change.  Stuck like this forever.  Never get it right.  Never amount to much. 

It’s interesting that when these lies are ingrained in us in our formative years, at an impressionable time, it’s hard to counteract them.  If I’ve gone through years believing that I’m a disappointment to God and others, even if people later tell me otherwise, I’ve got that agreement and it’s difficult to break through that.  

When I say that we’re in a world at war, does that sound like I’m just trying to be sensationalistic and to focus on the negative?  Is Satan really that strong and determined?  Yes, he is strong and determined.  No, I’m not just being sensationalistic.  

Jesus himself said that the thief (meaning Satan) cometh to steal, to kill, and to destroy (John 10:10).  Not just to bully us around a bit, but to steal our happiness, to kill our faith, to destroy our hope. 

The evil one has had thousands of years to practice his tactics and billions of people to practice on.  He has improved and diversified his fighting weapons. He has become really, really good at what he does. President Spencer W. Kimball taught that the fight against Satan and his forces “is not a little skirmish with a half-willed antagonist, but a battle royal with an enemy so powerful, entrenched, and organized we are likely to be vanquished if we are not strong, well-trained, and watchful.” 

Just a few months ago, President Russell M. Nelson said in General Conference:  “Satan knows who you are and who you were premortally, and he understands the work that must be done before the Savior returns. And after millennia of practicing his cunning arts, the adversary is experienced and incorrigible.”

In that same General Conference, Elder Ronald A. Rasband taught:  “Brothers and sisters, we are at war with Satan for the souls of men. Since [our pre-earth life], the adversary’s minions have been fighting the faithful who choose the Father’s plan.

Satan knows his days are numbered and that time is growing shorter. As crafty and cunning as he is, he will not win. However, his battle for each one of our souls rages on.

Satan is a subtle snake, sneaking into our minds and hearts when we have let our guard down, faced a disappointment, or lost hope. He entices us with flattery, a promise of ease, comfort, or a temporary high when we are low. He justifies pride, unkindness, dishonesty, discontent, and immorality, and in time we can be ‘past feeling.’ The Spirit can leave us. ‘And thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.’” 

So in the past, my tendency was to blame myself for my weaknesses.  If my wife and I had a disagreement.  If I yelled at one of my kids.  If I felt fearful about my ability to succeed.  But knowing what I do about the plan of the devil, I’m better able to recognize his attempts to influence me.  And that changes my whole feeling about myself.  I’m not at war with my true self.  I’m at war with the false self, that natural man who is an enemy to God.  My true self is good, divine, powerful, a precious son of God.  

The more I am able to live in my true self, the more I recognize the Lord’s influence in my life.  He also whispers to me.  As I learn of Him, I am better able to distinguish His voice.  

And as I start to trust the Lord and come unto Him, he heals my wounds.  He breaks those old agreements, those faulty core beliefs I took on as a child.  I start to experience the mighty change of heart.  I become a new person.  I become converted.  

The scriptures teach me how to protect myself from evil.  “Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world” (Ephesians 6:11–12).

As I put on the armor of God, I will protect myself and strengthen my loved ones.  Every time the Nephites went up to battle “in the strength of the Lord,” they prevailed.  As I rely on the strength of the Lord, granted through His atoning grace, I too can be victorious.  I can receive the peace, security, and happiness of being firmly grounded in the gospel, of being converted to Jesus Christ.

To be continued . . . with Part 53

Be Careful What You Pray For

If you read the end of last month’s post, you know that I’m in a time of trial.  About two months ago, I was feeling like I desired to really have a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and to submit my will completely to God.  I prayed fervently that I could offer my whole soul as an offering to Him. It was two days later that I was hit with a significant challenge.  

Last week, I attended a sibling reunion.  I was raised seventh in a family of ten children, five boys and five girls.  We had a reunion where my brothers and sisters and our spouses spent two days at Lava Hot Springs in Eastern Idaho.  As part of the get-together, we had time for each of us to share what we are studying and learning.  

One of my brothers talked about a time a few years ago when he had prayed for whatever would allow him to have God with him more.  Soon thereafter he had a series of strokes that left him with neurological damage, requiring him to relearn many of the simple tasks most of us take for granted; how to speak, walk, read, etc.  He has since made immense progress and is more at peace with his life than ever.  

One of my sisters told of a time as a young mother when she felt she needed to commit herself more fully to the Lord and His purposes.  Within a few weeks she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, which has been a tremendous difficulty for her, but has taught her things she wouldn’t have learned otherwise.  

The timing is interesting.  Elder Bednar once spoke of the tender mercies of the Lord:  I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of his tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them. The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.  Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord’s timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings. I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us. Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days.

Notice that he twice mentioned the Lord’s timing (see italics), which would help us recognize these as the tender mercies of the Lord.  

When I consider these past two months, I wouldn’t have asked for this trial and the associated issues.  But now I realize that it is a tender mercy. It has drawn me closer to God. I’ve become more aware of some parts of me that need healing.  So I’m on that journey.  I’m experiencing a miraculous, perfecting, refiner’s fire.  

To be continued . . . with Part 52

Stepping into Uncertainty

Earlier this month, Elder Bruce C. Hafen and his wife Marie came to the BYUI campus to speak at an Academic Forum.  They also met with faculty in a separate meeting. They have recently written a new book called, “Faith is not Blind,” and sent Chapter 2 to all faculty so we could be prepared for their message.  I was enthralled with the chapter and quickly finished the whole book. One of my favorite chapters is entitled “Productive Ambiguity.”  

I’ve always had a hard time dealing with ambiguity, because of the need to be “in control.”  Typical of perfectionists is that we are planned and organized. We don’t like surprises and are not impulsive.  We like security and are low-risk.

The Hafens teach that on the other side of complexity is simplicity.  They quote Oliver Wendell Holmes, the great American judge. He said, “I would not give a fig for the simplicity on this side of complexity. But I would give my life for the simplicity on the other side of complexity.”

There’s a stage in our personal development, where we’re kind of innocent.  Our ideas are unchallenged.  And as we grow, it’s a natural process that we will encounter new thoughts, new people, new experiences.  And that can be very challenging.  That is the complexity Holmes is talking about.  People sometimes get stuck in that complexity.  They never get out, their hearts are hardened, and life becomes really difficult.  What Holmes says to us is that maybe the complexity actually makes it possible for us to arrive at a place of informed faith.

If I sit in comfort and naïveté, I’m untested and inexperienced.  But if I am willing to go through complex issues and trials, I can achieve a simple trust born of experience.  

Also earlier this month I read a BYU devotional talk by Scott Miller called “Humble Uncertainty.”  Here are a few of my favorite parts:

Life itself is very much like college. There may be times when we wish for the tests to be simplified or waived altogether and when we forget that life is a complex system designed by loving Heavenly Parents to make us into better people and prepare us for an eternity of expanding opportunities. Sometimes, when we pray to have our trials end quickly, we are like first-year students sending home pity-me texts. If God were to immediately swoop in and rescue us, eternity itself might just prove to be something of a basement experience.

Instead, God, like other wise parents, knows that great things will come out of the difficulties and challenges we face. He knows our eternal identity and potential. We, on the other hand, are often clueless about that identity and live forever perched at the edge of a dark, inscrutable path we call the future. We cannot see what lies ahead, which can make our journey discouraging, if not utterly terrifying.

These things we fear have their positive sides too, and we should not be so consumed by our fears and uncertainties that we abandon hope and never move forward. There was a reason Moses, Lehi, and Brigham Young were all commanded to leave comfort and security and strike off into the wilderness. That is where the burning bush, the Liahona, and Zion were awaiting. When we muster the faith to confront our doubts and fears by venturing forward into the dark unknown, we may learn that simple faith might be as fragile as starlight but that it can also guide our journey, fixed as the North Star.

This hits home to me because right now, I’m facing a situation where I have no control over the outcome.  Without going into detail, I feel like I’m stepping into the darkness and I’m forced to trust the outcome to God.  It’s uncomfortable. But then, as the saying goes, there’s no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone.  The trial of my faith comes in the uncertain moments, not when I know exactly what I’m doing.  As I go forth, like Nephi, not knowing beforehand what I will do, my faith is strengthened and I grow in my discipleship.  

To be continued . . . with Part 51

General Conference

As usual, this post will highlight teachings from General Conference earlier this month, that impress me as being useful for those of us who are perfectionistic.  

The first one is by Becky Craven.  She taught:  “It’s impossible to live a perfect life. Only one man was able to live perfectly while dwelling on this telestial planet. That was Jesus Christ. Although we may not be perfect, brothers and sisters, we can be worthy: worthy to partake of the sacrament, worthy of temple blessings, and worthy to receive personal revelation.”

Next is one by Sharon Eubank.  Her talk was about staying connected to Jesus Christ—our source of light.  She shared this hopeful testimony:  “I testify you are beloved. The Lord knows how hard you are trying. You are making progress. Keep going. He sees all your hidden sacrifices and counts them to your good and the good of those you love. Your work is not in vain. You are not alone. His very name, Emmanuel, means ‘God with us.’ He is surely with you.”

But my favorite talk of the whole conference was by Elder Kim B. Clark.  Look at what he taught:  “When the Lord calls [us] to ‘look unto me in every thought’ and ‘behold the wounds’ in His resurrected body, it is a call to turn away from sin and the world and to turn to Him and love and obey Him. It is a call to teach His doctrine and do His work in His way. It is, therefore, a call to trust Him completely, surrender our will and yield our hearts to Him, and through His redeeming power become like Him.

“…if we look unto Jesus Christ, He will bless us to be humble, meek, submissive, full of His love. And we will bring the joy and blessings of His gospel and His Church to our families and our brothers and sisters on both sides of the veil.”

President Russell M. Nelson has called us to look unto Jesus Christ in just this way: “There is nothing easy or automatic about becoming such powerful disciples. Our focus must be riveted on the Savior and His gospel. It is mentally rigorous to strive to look unto Him in every thought. But when we do, our doubts and fears flee.”

Rivet is a great word. It means to fasten firmly, to attract and hold completely. We rivet our focus on Jesus Christ and His gospel by living our covenants.

When we live our covenants, they influence everything we say and do. We live a covenant life full of simple, everyday acts of faith that focus us on Jesus Christ: prayer from the heart in His name, feasting on His word, turning to Him to repent of our sins, keeping His commandments, partaking of the sacrament and keeping His Sabbath holy, worshipping in His holy temple as often as we can, and exercising His holy priesthood to serve God’s children.

These acts of covenant devotion open our hearts and minds to the redeeming power of the Savior and the sanctifying influence of the Holy Ghost. Line upon line, the Savior changes our very nature, we become more deeply converted unto Him, and our covenants come alive in our hearts.

The promises we make to our Heavenly Father become rock-solid commitments, our deepest desires. Heavenly Father’s promises to us fill us with gratitude and joy. Our covenants cease to be rules we follow and become beloved principles that inspire and guide us and rivet our focus on Jesus Christ.

One of the reasons I like this so much is because he not only tells us to “look unto me in every thought,” but he also tells us how.  Often, I read or hear that I need to do or be something—such as “be Christlike” or “give your heart to Christ”—but I’m not told how to do it.  And so, for a perfectionist, Elder Clark’s teaching is great—not so we can see it as a checklist of things to do, but so we can know where to focus our energies and priorities.  

To be continued . . . with Part 50

Wild at Heart

If you heard my devotional talk from last October, or if you read Part 35 of this blog, you know that I have had a difficult time my whole life trying to feel God’s love for me.  I’m sure part of that is because I have kept my heart somewhat closed and protected. So in this post I’m going to share an experience I had that significantly opened my heart to His love.  

A few years ago, a friend suggested I read the book Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul, by John Eldredge.  I did, and found the book fascinating.  

From the back cover of the book:  “Every man was once a boy. And every little boy has dreams, big dreams, dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress. But what happens to those dreams when we grow up? Walk into most churches, have a look around, and ask yourself: What is a Christian man? Without listening to what is said, look at what you find there. Most Christian men are . . . bored. Wild at Heart, invites men to recover their masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God.”

However, at that time I wasn’t in a place in my own journey to really embrace the concepts.  So I kept the book on my shelf and periodically revisited the ideas.

Then last fall I listened to a podcast on Leading Saints called Wild at Heart in Church Leadership: An Interview with Doug Nielsen.  The podcast reignited in me some of the things I had read and also applied it to our elders quorums.  While progress is being made in ministering to men in the Church, it seems that a lot of men are still in checklist mentality, living in should’s and ought to’s rather than living from a place of passion, connection, honesty, and vulnerability.  (See this article by my colleague, Sheldon Lawrence, A Quorum of Strangers: On the Isolation of Mormon Men.)  

I subscribe to the Leading Saints emails and I received one where Kurt Francom (owner of Leading Saints) described attending a retreat based on the Wild at Heart book and concepts.  The Warrior Heart boot camp was an opportunity to actually implement those concepts personally.  

As I read of Kurt’s experience there, my own heart yearned for a similar experience.  I looked into the possibility of attending. Things fell into place and I found myself in Wanship, Utah earlier this month.  For three days, I was continually presented with the idea that God loves me—unconditionally. For part of the first day my cold, closed heart held on tightly, skeptical that God could really love me that way.  But gradually I was convinced to let go of the hardness and the Lord broke down the barriers I had built up many years ago. He offered His Love to me over and over, and it sank deep into my heart. It was a truly transformational time for me.  

Why this retreat worked for me:

(First, let me say that the retreat isn’t for everyone.  I’m only sharing my own personal experience. I’m not advertising it and I don’t get a commission if others attend.)

1. I was in a place apart from “the world” in the mountains where the beauties of nature were all around me.  God’s handiwork was so evident. It was scenic and glorious.
2. We were asked to leave our phones and other devices in our cars, so we could unplug from the outside world and not be distracted.
3. The sessions were presented by men who have worked the concepts themselves.  They have walked the walk, and were very genuine and honest. The ideas presented were scripturally based and not just therapeutic.  
4. After each session we had alone time with God.  Just Him, me, and my journal. No putting on a front or trying to impress anyone.  Nothing else to do but to talk with Him. Share my fears, my shame, my sadness, my hopes, my passion, my resolve.  This is where I felt His love in my heart most convincingly.
5. I experienced a real sense of brotherhood and supportiveness from the other men there.  Not just from those who were facilitating the weekend, but from those who were, like me, attending for the first time.  I really only knew one other man there, yet in a matter of hours, previous strangers were sharing and interacting like old friends.  It was great to connect with them authentically.
6. In the past, when I had felt God’s love, it seemed like it was short-lived.  Soon after, I’d start doubting whether I actually felt it or not. But for the duration of the retreat, the feeling was constant.  There was no mistaking or denying it. In fact, part of the reason I’m writing about it here, is so that if I ever doubt His love in the future, I’ll have this as a reminder.   

As I drove home Saturday night, I wondered what it would take to get the same feeling in our elders quorums.  

To be continued . . . with Part 49

The Atonement Application Program

Years ago, when the Church realized that members needed help dealing with addiction, they looked at what worked and didn’t work.  In conjunction with LDS Family Services (then known as LDS Social Services) the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous were adapted into the framework of the doctrines, principles, and beliefs of the Church.  This was back in the late 1990s. Working with those who had experienced recovery, the first ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) guide was approved in 2002.  Since that time, many individuals have attended the weekly meetings and benefited from the principles in the program.  

I was first introduced to the program when I was a bishop of a YSA Ward at BYU-Idaho.  I encouraged several students to attend, and even attended one meeting with a young man from my ward who was too fearful to attend by himself.  

As a family, we decided to use the manual as a resource for our family home evening lessons for a few months.  It was interesting and I liked that there were some good scriptures and quotes incorporated into the steps.  But I didn’t really see that it applied to me.  After all, I wasn’t an addict.

Although I don’t have a bona fide addiction (like alcohol, drugs, pornography, gaming, etc.), I have compulsions, preferences, pleasures, fears, and impulses that sometimes take center stage over my better judgment.  

Recently, I’ve had a few acquaintances refer to the program and praise its approach.  And so I’ve picked it up again and begun studying it again.  One friend calls it the Atonement Application Program.  

It might work with addicts, but it’s not limited to them; everyone everywhere can benefit from it.  We all need to go through our Step 8s, our Step 3s, our Step 6s. If we believe it is only for people who are addicts, we are missing the message—the whole Grace message of Christ’s sacrifice.  We’ll miss seeing that we need Christ in our own selves.  But how poor a gauge we are of our own health.  That’s why we go to doctors.  They can give us doctor’s orders to change certain behaviors that are self destructive.  We don’t tend to find that out ourselves.  Hence, the need for a program.

If this program didn’t work, the Church wouldn’t waste resources on it.  But a tremendous amount of effort has been made.  Like this website.  And this series of inspirational videos.  And support groups that meet all over the country.  

Elder Ballard taught in the October 2010 General Conference:  “I testify to you that your body, mind, and spirit can be transformed, cleansed, and made whole, and you will be freed.”  

The truth shall make us free.  Free from bad habits, and faulty thinking patterns.  Free from the consequences of false ideas whispered by the adversary.  And free from perfectionistic compulsions.

To be continued . . . with Part 48

The Real Enemy

When I feel frustrated, inadequate, discouraged, my knee-jerk reaction is to identify where the problem is so that I can get past it.  The sooner I can get back to a “good place,” the better. So whatever is rocking the boat is the enemy. Often, I look to place blame on someone who has criticized or demeaned me.  Sometimes I feel that what is happening is “not fair.” I know that I tend to have an extreme sense of justice.

One of the mistakes I’ve made is misidentifying the real enemy.  

Satan strives to keep me stuck, to stop my progress.  He wants me to be damned, like he is. But he is very subtle.  He doesn’t make his presence obviously known to me. As Nephi says, “Others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance.”

Elder Renlund was specific when he taught: Lucifer is this accuser. He spoke against us in the premortal existence, and he continues to denounce us in this life. He seeks to drag us down. He wants us to experience endless woe. He is the one who tells us we are not adequate, the one who tells us we are not good enough, the one who tells us there is no recovery from a mistake. He is the ultimate bully, the one who kicks us when we are down.

If Lucifer were teaching a child to walk and the child stumbled, he would scream at the child, punish him, and tell him to quit trying. Lucifer’s ways bring discouragement and despair—eventually and always. This father of lies is the ultimate purveyor of falsehood and cunningly works to deceive and distract us, “for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.”

Pres. Nelson added:  The adversary is increasing his attacks on faith and upon us and our families at an exponential rate. To survive spiritually, we need counterstrategies and proactive plans.

So, one of my counterstrategies is this:  When I feel like life (or someone) isn’t treating me fairly, I stop and realize that Satan has a vested interest in me.  He’ll do what he can to cause me to react out of fear, or shame, or pride. If I can recognize where that’s coming from, I can reframe my thinking and choose a healthier reaction.  

If I’ve had an argument with someone, rather than saying to myself that I’m not good at communicating, I can recognize that the devil “stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.”  And I can set a boundary around faulty thinking, which helps me avoid the perfectionistic mindset.

When I come to realize that I and my fellow beings are not the enemy, I can adjust my thinking and my focus.  I can appropriately fortify myself against the real enemy.

To be continued . . . with Part 47

Objectification

What does it mean to objectify someone?  It means that I see/treat them as an object rather than as a person.  If I objectify someone I might see them (and their concerns) as an annoyance to be brushed aside so I can get past them and move on.  

An example of this might be a character in a video game.  I see this character coming toward me with a sword.  I need to fight him and get him out of the way so I can proceed in the game.  So I pull out my sword and slay him.  Or I see a character who has something I want (treasure, essence, a key, power) and if I eliminate him, I can take his possession and move to the next level better equipped to succeed.  

Since this video game character is not a real person, it’s easy to treat him as an object to be used for my own purposes.  But if he were a real person, would that change my behavior?

I can approach people from one of two operating systems:
Relational Operating System = All people have value.
Object Operating System = All people are objects, to be used.

To see people in terms of myself is to see an object, not a person.  Here are some ways I may see others as objects:

• better than me
• worse than me
• labeled by me
• a vehicle to help me get my way
• irrelevant
• a means by which I alter based on what I see

Objectifying is shame-based, selfish, impulsive, temporary, and stems from feelings of worthlessness.  

Reducing people to mere objects is the way I resist them and the human connection I have to them.  It is also the way I keep myself disconnected from others and the important part of me.

When I see others as real people it results in empathy, respect for them and for myself, feelings of value and worth, safety, and the ability to look past weakness.  

President Thomas S. Monson said, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

The better I feel about myself, the more I am able to treat others as valuable children of God.

To be continued . . . with Part 46

Embrace the Marginalized

A few years ago, Elder Robert C. Gay of the Seventy gave a commencement address at BYU-Idaho.  Among other things, he encouraged the graduates to “embrace the marginalized of this world, or as the Savior said, the lost, the last, and the least.”

Who are the marginalized?  What if one of these people showed up at your Sacrament Meeting?

What if someone joined your ward who was from Albania, or Nigeria, or Bolivia or Mongolia?  (Or Mars, for that matter.) What if they wore different clothing to church – a sarong or a kilt or a burka or a lavalava, or shorts and sandals?  What if a woman showed up with tattoos and body piercings? What if two men showed up who were living a gay lifestyle but who wanted the influence of the gospel in their life?  What if an unwed teenager who was obviously pregnant came to Sacrament Meeting? What if someone of a different political persuasion came? What about someone who reeked of tobacco smoke or alcohol?  An excommunicated man? A young lady who came home from her mission early? A returned missionary who is addicted to porn? An ex-convict who spent 20 years in prison?

How would we react if these people showed up at church?  Would we escort them back outside? Would we whisper about them behind their backs?  Would we avoid them? Or would we go up to them and welcome them, shake their hands, and introduce ourselves. 

Here’s a little quiz about how to react to people around us who are different:

When I see someone who is different from me, I should:

1. Avoid them so that their differentness doesn’t rub off on me.
2. Get to know them, so that I can be less judgmental and broaden my life experience.
3. Love them, as a brother or sister, regardless of their differences.

But what if someone else’s beliefs or practices are in direct opposition to gospel principles and true doctrine?  I should:

1. Criticize them or try to convert them.
2. Befriend them and engage in some civil dialogue with them.
3. Love them and pray for them.

I have a co-worker who continually blasts the church and it’s members.  I should:

1. Blast him back.  
2. Defend the church and try to show him the error of his ways.
3. Love him and be an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. (1 Tim 4:12)

Elder Uchtdorf taught:  I hope that we welcome and love all of God’s children, including those who might dress, look, speak, or just do things differently. It is not good to make others feel as though they are deficient. Let us lift those around us. Let us extend a welcoming hand.

To be continued . . . with Part 45