Embrace the Marginalized

A few years ago, Elder Robert C. Gay of the Seventy gave a commencement address at BYU-Idaho.  Among other things, he encouraged the graduates to “embrace the marginalized of this world, or as the Savior said, the lost, the last, and the least.”

Who are the marginalized?  What if one of these people showed up at your Sacrament Meeting?

What if someone joined your ward who was from Albania, or Nigeria, or Bolivia or Mongolia?  (Or Mars, for that matter.) What if they wore different clothing to church – a sarong or a kilt or a burka or a lavalava, or shorts and sandals?  What if a woman showed up with tattoos and body piercings? What if two men showed up who were living a gay lifestyle but who wanted the influence of the gospel in their life?  What if an unwed teenager who was obviously pregnant came to Sacrament Meeting? What if someone of a different political persuasion came? What about someone who reeked of tobacco smoke or alcohol?  An excommunicated man? A young lady who came home from her mission early? A returned missionary who is addicted to porn? An ex-convict who spent 20 years in prison?

How would we react if these people showed up at church?  Would we escort them back outside? Would we whisper about them behind their backs?  Would we avoid them? Or would we go up to them and welcome them, shake their hands, and introduce ourselves. 

Here’s a little quiz about how to react to people around us who are different:

When I see someone who is different from me, I should:

1. Avoid them so that their differentness doesn’t rub off on me.
2. Get to know them, so that I can be less judgmental and broaden my life experience.
3. Love them, as a brother or sister, regardless of their differences.

But what if someone else’s beliefs or practices are in direct opposition to gospel principles and true doctrine?  I should:

1. Criticize them or try to convert them.
2. Befriend them and engage in some civil dialogue with them.
3. Love them and pray for them.

I have a co-worker who continually blasts the church and it’s members.  I should:

1. Blast him back.  
2. Defend the church and try to show him the error of his ways.
3. Love him and be an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. (1 Tim 4:12)

Elder Uchtdorf taught:  I hope that we welcome and love all of God’s children, including those who might dress, look, speak, or just do things differently. It is not good to make others feel as though they are deficient. Let us lift those around us. Let us extend a welcoming hand.

To be continued . . . with Part 45

The Devotional Talk

I spoke at the weekly devotional at BYU-Idaho this past week.  (See the 3rd tab near the top of this page.)

Back in August when I was asked if I would speak this semester, I agreed, not knowing how much it would occupy my attention for several weeks.  I was not given a topic, but was told to share “my story.”  I was also told to not make it all about me but to give something that would bless students and make the talk more relatable to by the larger group.  Further, I was encouraged to use media to make it more engaging, and to not simply give a doctrinal talk but to think outside the box.  As I prayerfully approached the assignment, it became obvious what  my story is.

I started posting on Imperfect Guy in March of 2015, and have told my story through these monthly blog posts.  So I began reading through them to pull what I thought might be most helpful and started putting it together.  I had a limit of 3,000 words or about 20 minutes.  So as I narrowed it down, I prayed that I’d be guided to include the content that would benefit others.

The scriptures, books, quotes, pictures, and conference talks I referred to have been significant in my growth.

The list of 70 that I showed might seem overly long.  If I’d had time to choose one more for the talk, it would have been Counseling / Therapy.  It’s a huge area that’s so often overlooked because of the stigma associated with needing to see a “shrink.”

In my efforts to feel God’s love, mindfulness and guided imagery have been powerful, so I decided to add that at the end.  Dr. Gary Weaver calls it “calling council.”  I figured it might be a little bit unconventional, but hoped it would be effective.  (When I ask people to close their eyes and get comfortable in a dark room, it could be seen as a nice opportunity to take a short nap.)

Then I heard again a beautiful song with a message that fit the theme of the talk—Gentle, by Michael McLean.  Since I’m a singer, I thought I might sing that song at the end of the talk.  But we weren’t able to obtain permission to use the song.  And I thought it might draw more attention to me, instead of to the message.  Plus, it didn’t fit within the 20-minute guideline.

Preparing for and delivering the talk has been a tremendous learning experiences, which has brought me closer to God.

The talk wasn’t perfect . . . which is exactly the point.

(You can read or watch the devotional.  See the 3rd tab near the top of this page.)

To be continued . . . with Part 44

Continue in Patience

My perfectionism provokes me to impatience.  I can see that I’m improving and getting better each day, but it isn’t happening fast enough for me.  My natural tendency is to want perfection quickly—overnight.

When I’m in my perfectionism I want God to walk through the door and instantaneously make me complete.  I want him to wipe away all my imperfections in one fell swoop.

But God’s nature is line upon line.  And I have to accept that. When He perfects, it happens incrementally, here a little and there a little.  If He were to walk through the door, I wouldn’t be living by faith anymore. So many answers would suddenly come into view.  Should I falter from that point, I’d be held accountable.

So it’s because of His love that He perfects us bit by bit.  What infants we truly are. And He loves us enough to respect our agency.

The Apostle Paul was given a “thorn in the flesh,” lest he should be “exalted above measure” (1 Cor. 12:7).  This weakness, whatever it was, kept him human and was not removed.  It required Paul to learn patience and to continue growing gradually, even though he had been visited by the Lord.

If I look up Patience in the Guide to the Scriptures, it says, “See also Endure; Meek, Meekness.”  So I can work on enduring to the end and meekness.  These two will help me see the thorns of life as essential to my learning.

Two passages I really like refer to patience in the light of perfection:

Continue in patience until ye are perfected (D&C 67:13).

Let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire (James 1:4).

To be continued . . . with Part 41

Inclusion

When I watched the “Be One” celebration earlier this month, I was spiritually touched and emotionally moved.  I wept as I heard of the history and challenges of black members of the Church, and of their tremendous faithfulness.

I served my mission in 1975-1977, so that was before the Revelation on the Priesthood was received.  My second area was Queens, in New York City. A major street running east and west was Jamaica Avenue.  On the north side of that street lived mostly whites, and on the south side lived mostly blacks. Although both the north and south sides were in our assigned area, we seldom went into the south side.  My companion (who was just finishing his mission) explained to me that proselyting among blacks wasn’t very productive, because once they learned they couldn’t hold the priesthood, they wouldn’t want to hear anymore.  I remember thinking that there were potentially enough people on that south side to create a whole ‘nother ward.

Growing up in St. George, nearly everyone I knew was caucasian.  There were a few Native Americans who lived on the reservation nearby.  I met a few Hispanics and Polynesians. But no African Americans. I mostly saw them on TV and in movies.  Often they were depicted as slaves. And I learned about Pre-Civil War slavery in history classes at school.  I didn’t really hear any racist remarks from family or others. So I didn’t understand about segregation or or the civil rights movement.  When Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated, I was 12. I don’t remember hearing about it in the news. The first time I really thought about it was when I heard a popular song, “Abraham, Martin, and John.”

Then, after my mission, I went to BYU and spent time with Isaac Thomas—we were in the Young Ambassadors together.  [Isaac and I are at the far left in this group photo.]  He was such an amazing man!  He was the first black man I got to know well, and was a blessing to all who knew him.  [By the way, you should hear his story here.]

All of this is to say that I was never taught or indoctrinated to be racist in my youth.  For me, there was never a question of inclusion.

Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, former Young Women General President taught:  The adversary would have us be critical or judgmental of one another. He wants us to concentrate on our differences and compare ourselves to one another. You may love to exercise vigorously for an hour each day because it makes you feel so good, while I consider it to be a major athletic event if I walk up one flight of stairs instead of taking the elevator. We can still be friends, can’t we?

When we compare ourselves to one another, we will always feel inadequate or resentful of others. We just need to relax and rejoice in our divine differences. We need to realize that we all desire to serve in the kingdom, using our unique talents and gifts in our own ways.

Whereas here on earth there is often just one winner of a prize (the Nobel Prize, Miss Universe, the Tour de France, the National Spelling Bee, America’s Got Talent, etc.), the kingdom of heaven is one of inclusion.

Whereas Lucifer would whisper that if I don’t get the highest score in the class on a final exam I’m inadequate, God whispers to me that I—and all of us—can make it.  He doesn’t grade on a curve. All are alike unto Him.

To be continued . . . with Part 40

Light and Truth Forsake that Evil One

Again, before this last General Conference, I wrote down some issues/challenges about which I wanted direction.  One of these was how to have the Spirit more readily in my life—mostly because I don’t have the Spirit as much as I’d like to.

There were some really good talks about this topic—especially in the Sunday morning session.  And I felt like I got some good direction. But one statement that Pres. Nelson made triggered me:  “In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.”

As a perfectionist, I’ve spent much of my life listening to the whisperings of the shame gremlins, as Brené Brown calls them.  Ideas such as: “You’re not good enough.”  “You’ll never get it right.” “Who do you think you are?”  “You can’t handle it.” “You don’t belong here.” “You’re not worthy.”  “You are unlovable.” “You’ll never amount to anything.” “You don’t matter.”

Psychotherapists call these thoughts “scripts” or “tapes” that replay over and over in our heads, because they are ingrained in our core belief systems.

But these beliefs are not true.  So they result in a “faulty core belief system.”  And if they are not true, then they are lies. And where do lies originate?  From the “father of lies”—Lucifer.

In the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 93, we read:

36 The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth.

37 Light and truth forsake that evil one.

38 Every spirit of man was innocent in the beginning; and God having redeemed man from the fall, men became again, in their infant state, innocent before God.

39 And that wicked one cometh and taketh away light and truth, through disobedience, from the children of men, and because of the tradition of their fathers.

No wonder I don’t feel the Spirit as much:  if I’m filling my mind with lies, playing those tapes over and over, then the Spirit will withdraw from me.

The more I fill my mind with hopeful, grateful, uplifting thoughts—light and truth, the more the Spirit can be with me.  We are promised that if we “always remember Him” we may “always have His Spirit” to be with us.

To be continued . . . with Part 39

Unlimited Chances

General Conference earlier this month was amazing:  a solemn assembly, new apostles, the demise of home/visiting teaching, ministering, and new temples in exotic places.

In addition, I had written some questions/challenges around which I wanted direction.  And I got that direction, from several different addresses.

But the one talk that most closely addressed my perfectionistic side was by Elder Lynn G. Robbins, “Until Seventy Times Seven.”  Here are some of my favorite parts:

Mistakes are a fact of life. Learning to skillfully play the piano is essentially impossible without making thousands of mistakes—maybe even a million. To learn a foreign language, one must face the embarrassment of making thousands of mistakes—maybe even a million. Even the world’s greatest athletes never stop making mistakes.

“Success,” it has been said, “isn’t the absence of failure, but going from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm.”

While we are grateful for second chances following mistakes, or failures of the mind, we stand all amazed at the Savior’s grace in giving us second chances in overcoming sin, or failures of the heart.

No one is more on our side than the Savior. He allows us to take and keep retaking His exams. To become like Him will require countless second chances in our day-to-day struggles with the natural man, such as controlling appetites, learning patience and forgiveness, overcoming slothfulness, and avoiding sins of omission, just to name a few. If to err is human nature, how many failures will it take us until our nature is no longer human but divine? Thousands? More likely a million.

Knowing that the strait and narrow path would be strewn with trials and that failures would be a daily occurrence for us, the Savior paid an infinite price to give us as many chances as it would take to successfully pass our mortal probation.

But just how many times will He forgive us? How long is His long-suffering? On one occasion Peter asked the Savior, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?”

Presumably, Peter thought seven was a sufficiently high number to emphasize the folly of forgiving too many times and that benevolence should have its limits. In response, the Savior essentially told Peter to not even count—to not establish limits on forgiveness.

“Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

Obviously, the Savior was not establishing an upper limit of 490. That would be analogous to saying that partaking of the sacrament has a limit of 490, and then on the 491st time, a heavenly auditor intercedes and says, “I’m so sorry, but your repentance card just expired—from this point forward, you’re on your own.”

The Lord used the math of seventy times seven as a metaphor of His infinite Atonement, His boundless love, and His limitless grace. “Yea, and as often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me.”

I find this extremely hopeful.  As someone who tends to think “I’ll never get it right,” this helps me understand that as many times as I miss the mark, I’ll still get another chance, and another, and another . . .  The Lord’s love truly is unlimited!

To be continued . . . with Part 38

Meeting the Expectations of Others

For some of us who are perfectionists, we learned at a young age to try and meet the expectations of others.  Often these expectations were unspoken, but they were still there. Our self-worth was based on how well we could measure up to what we thought others wanted us to do and be.

In “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz, he refers to this growing up process as “domestication.”  Day by day, at home, at school, at church, and from television, we are told how to live, what kind of behavior is acceptable.

During the process of domestication, we form an image of what perfection is in order to try to be good enough.  We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody.  We especially try to please the ones who love us, like Mom and Dad, big brothers and sisters, the priests and the teacher.  Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we don’t fit this image.  We create this image, but this image is not real.  We are never going to be perfect from this point of view.  Never!

Not being perfect, we reject ourselves.  And the level of self-rejection depends upon how effective the adults were in breaking our integrity.  After domestication it is no longer about being good enough for anybody else.  We are not good enough for ourselves because we don’t fit with our own image of perfection.  We cannot forgive ourselves for not being what we wish to be, or rather what we believe we should be.  We cannot forgive ourselves for not being perfect.

We know we are not what we believe we are supposed to be and so we feel false, frustrated, and dishonest.  We try to hide ourselves, and we pretend to be what we are not.  The result is that we feel inauthentic and wear social masks to keep others from noticing this.  We are so afraid that somebody else will notice that we are not what we pretend to be.  We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and naturally they fall short of our expectations.

When I read this, it was very familiar to me.  I have often felt like I was wearing a mask, pretending to be someone I was not.  Because I think others expect me to be someone I’m not.  I was trying to appear perfect, like I had it all together, and yet, being very flawed and mistake-prone.  I think this adequately describes the problem.

Later in the book, Ruiz explains how the Four Agreements can help us overcome this issue of feeling not good enough.

President Uchtdorf shares this wonderful teaching:  If we look at ourselves only through our mortal eyes, we may not see ourselves as good enough.  But our Heavenly Father sees us as who we truly are and who we can become.  He sees us as His sons and daughters, as beings of eternal light with everlasting potential and with a divine destiny.

To be continued . . . with Part 37