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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 18

Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to rewire itself based on our thoughts and the choices we make.  “Neuro” = brains.  “Plastic” = changeable.  


In years past, it was believed that the brain grew from childhood as we learned new things, but that eventually as adults, the brain stopped growing, and we couldn’t do much to change that.  Hence, the saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”  However, now we know that the brain is continually changing and rewiring everyday, according to what we think and do.  We are always creating and strengthening neural pathways.  Whenever I spend time thinking about new things or working on a new skill, I get better at it.  If I practice the piano daily, that ability will improve.  If I take the time to exercise, not only will my body get healthier, but so will my mind.  If I spend time worrying, those neural pathways will be reinforced and I’ll get really good at worrying.


Here’s a personal example:  When I drive to work everyday, I typically take the same route.  I’ve done it enough times, that I can now drive there almost without thinking.  If I drive out of my driveway and then go on autopilot, I’ll eventually wind up in the parking lot at work.  I’ve strengthened the “drive to work” neural pathway in my brain so that it takes precedence over other pathways.  If I want to go to the grocery store instead, I have to consciously keep that destination in mind.  Otherwise I’ll end up in the parking lot at work.


But recently, the city of Rexburg has been putting in a new storm drain line, so they’re tearing up the road on a main route I’ve taken for years.  Now there are detour signs to guide drivers on other ways to get through town.  So I’ve been taking a new route for about the past five weeks.  


Initially, it was a bit surprising when I’d get to the “road closed” sign, and every day and I’d grumble about having to change my routine.  But now I’ve noticed that the detour route is becoming the new autopilot.  And it’s becoming comfortable.  (At least I’ve stopped grumbling about it.)


Here’s another example:  For the past few years I’ve used the same password when I login to my account at BYU-Idaho.  We are encouraged to change our passwords regularly, so I recently did.  But my fingers still want to follow the pattern of the old password.  It has taken me a few weeks to develop the new habit.  And even now, if I’m on autopilot, I’ll put in the old one and get the error message.  


So it’s just like developing any new habit—it takes a little time for the brain to rewire itself to the new pattern.  


Switch on Your Brain
I recently bought and began reading “Switch on Your Brain” by Dr. Caroline Leaf, a communication pathologist and audiologist who has worked in the area of cognitive neuroscience for many years.  Supported by current scientific and medical research, Dr. Leaf explains how by changing my thinking patterns, I can achieve better health and wholeness. I’m impressed with the lengths she goes to in order to back up her ideas.  It’s also biblically based, so she brings in scripture to add credence to her claims:  


Chapter 1 Summary
  1. The debate in science is centered on the question of: 1) is the mind defined by what the brain does, or 2) does the brain do the bidding of the mind?
  2. The correct view is that the mind is designed to control the body, of which the brain is a part, not the other way around.
  3. Our brain does not control us; we control our brain through our thinking and choosing.
  4. We can control our reactions to anything.
  5. Choices are real. You are free to make choices about how you focus your attention, and this affects how the chemicals, proteins, and wiring of your brain change and function.
  6. Research shows that DNA actually changes shape in response to our thoughts.
  7. Stress stage one is normal. Stress stages two and three, on the other hand, are our mind and body’s response to toxic thinking­—basically, normal stress gone wrong.
  8. Reaction is the key word here. You cannot control the events or circumstances of your life, but you can control your reactions.


This has great implications for those of us who have spent years repeating old mental scripts or statements:  I’m not good enough.  I’ll never get it right.  I’m not valuable.  I’m not worthy of love.  Because my brain is malleable, I can change the way I talk to myself, and rewire the pathways I take.  


Thoughts Lead to Changes
My Mom often quoted to me the following statement, which is sometimes attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson: “That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do—not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased.”  Another of Emerson’s statements supports this concept: “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”


I also believe that the Spirit can work on our minds and quicken the changes in our brains.  “To be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal.”  The Guide to the Scriptures says that repentance is “A change of mind and heart that brings a fresh attitude toward God, oneself, and life in general.”  Isn’t it probable that positive changes in my brain can accompany or lead to a mighty change of heart?  
To be continued . . . with Part 19.
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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 17

The initial development of my perfectionism resulted from some childhood experiences.  (See Of Wounds and Walls in Part 5.)  Let me share one particular incident I’ll call “Too Little.”  


As I remember it, I was four or five years old.  My dad was the scoutmaster for our troop and they were getting ready to go on an overnighter and a hike.  Dad was taking my two older brothers on the trip, even though they weren’t yet scout age.  As they were about to leave I begged to go with them, but I was “too little.”  As they drove the pickup away I chased after them shouting, “take me with you.”  After several blocks, they were out of sight.  I turned back and walked slowly home, where I sat on the porch steps and cried.  Initially I felt mostly sadness, but later my attitude became, “It’s not fair!”  


I had nearly forgotten this experience and didn’t really consider it to be a big issue.  After all, I was too little.  (Can you imagine hiking with a whole troop of about 25 scouts, plus three young boys?)  But recently I learned that this experience contributed to some childhood trauma.  And recalling it from an emotional (as opposed to an intellectual) space allowed me to step into that trauma and process it in productive and healing ways.  

I had other similar experiences as a child, none of them really large—I wasn’t beaten or abused, my parents didn’t divorce, they weren’t alcoholics or druggies, we didn’t move a lot, we weren’t living in poverty, I wasn’t told I was stupid or ugly.  (I did experience the death of a younger brother who was born premature and lived for just a few hours, and I was only two years old at the time so I don’t remember a lot. But I suspect that there may be some early issues around that.)  


Resolving the Trauma
In her article Resolving the Trauma You Didn’t Know You Had Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. refers to trauma with a “little t.”  The following is taken directly from her Psychology Today article (which I highly recommend):   


Most of us wouldn’t use the word trauma when telling our story. We may associate trauma with natural disaster, disease, war, loss or other extreme acts of violence. Unless we’ve suffered sexual or physical abuse, or even if we have, we may tell ourselves that there was no “trauma” in our early life. Yet, a trauma can be defined as any significant negative event or incident that shaped us. It can emerge from any impactful instance that made us feel bad, scared, hurt or ashamed. By this definition, we have all experienced some degree of trauma in the process of growing up. And how well we cope in our lives today depends, to a large extent, on how much we are willing to recognize and make sense of this trauma.


No matter how often we try to tell ourselves that the past is in the past or to write off the ways we were hurt as “no big deal,” our history continues to affect us in countless, unconscious ways. Research shows that when we fail to face and process the large and small traumas of our past, we can become stuck in our pain. We may struggle in our relationships and recreate our past in our present. In order to identify the events that hurt us, we must realize that trauma can exist in many forms. Psychologists often refer to traumatic interpersonal events that were not life-threatening but generated a significant emotional response as “little t” trauma. These can include instances of bullying, rejection, neglect, ridicule, verbal abuse, alarm, etc.


Our list of traumatic memories may or may not be long. We may struggle to even think of anything at first. It’s common to discount what happened to us as kids as not that important once we’re adults. Yet, what we have to remember is that it’s not about how we feel about the event now but how we felt as kids that affects us. Many things feel a lot bigger and scarier to a child who has little control or power over their circumstances.


When I recall the “Too Little” incident and other experiences, I can see how they impacted my self-worth.  I experienced some feelings of rejection, abandonment, and being unlovable.  These feelings resulted in a desire to be self-reliant, so I wouldn’t need to ask anyone else for anything, and risk being rejected.  


Children often bury negative memories that are painful to acknowledge.  I wasn’t abused or neglected by my family.  My dad did exactly what he should have done in this case.  But I still felt hurt.  


It’s Not Fair!
My mom has said that I grew up with an extreme sense of justice.  When I perceived that I wasn’t being treated fairly, I could rationalize pretty much any reaction—usually anger.  It has taken me many years to really recognize this tendency in myself.  I love what Elder Dale G. Renlund taught about fairness in this past General Conference:  


The concept—“the greater the distance between the giver and the receiver, the more the receiver develops a sense of entitlement”—also has profound spiritual applications. Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are the ultimate Givers. The more we distance ourselves from Them, the more entitled we feel. We begin to think that we deserve grace and are owed blessings. We are more prone to look around, identify inequities, and feel aggrieved—even offended—by the unfairness we perceive. While the unfairness can range from trivial to gut-wrenching, when we are distant from God, even small inequities loom large. We feel that God has an obligation to fix things—and fix them right now!


The sacrament truly helps us know our Savior. It also reminds us of His innocent suffering. If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God. In this respect, I am grateful that life is not fair.

At the same time, I can emphatically state that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, ultimately, in the eternal scheme of things, there will be no unfairness. “All that is unfair about life can be made right.”

I know that Jesus is aware of me, that he understands my hurt and my anguish. He knows my griefs and my sorrows. He is come to heal the broken-hearted and those who experience trauma and injustice.


To be continued . . . with Part 18.
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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 16

Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.  


We are taught in the scriptures that we should lose our lives in the service of others, and then we will find ourselves (Matt 10:39).  In other words, to feel good about myself, I need to be focused outward on my fellowmen.  This concept has caused many a perfectionist to feel guilty if we spend time on ourselves.  So it has taken me a while to feel OK about self-compassion.  


A related scripture tells me to love my neighbor as myself (Matt 22:39).  This isn’t really difficult if I have a bad self-image—since I don’t love myself much, I don’t need to love others much either.  But I still need to serve my fellowmen in order to serve God.  


The Lord told Peter: “when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren” (Luke 22:32).  He didn’t just tell him to strengthen his brethren; he told him to first work on his own personal condition.  


Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the foremost researchers on self-compassion, has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main components—self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.  She further teaches:


Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.


Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?


Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings.


You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.


At BYU-Idaho, where I work, we have weekly devotional assemblies.  Sometimes the speakers are general authorities or other well-known LDS individuals.  Other times, they are our peer employees at the university.  Earlier this month the speaker was Gwenaelle Couliard, who works in the BYUI Counseling Center.  (Gwena and I were in the same student ward at BYU many years ago.)  Her talk was was excellent and a few concepts stood out to me because of my perfectionism.  Let me share two paragraphs:


The Lord understands us. He experienced the dual nature himself although His beautiful divine spirit prevailed. However, through manipulative maneuvers, Satan attacked the Lord with temptations of the flesh and the mind, when Jesus was hungry and tired. Although it is hard to know exactly how much He suffered from those evil acts of aggression toward Him, the scripture testifies that He endured them throughout His ministry. Not long before His death, He said the following to His apostles: “Ye are they which have continued with me in my temptations.” And Paul confirmed that He “…was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Jesus has perfect empathy for us, having the bowels of mercy; being filled with compassion toward the children of men.


So the Lord spent time working on himself before he began his formal ministry.  He first allowed self-compassion for himself, so he could then appropriately focus on us.  [Actually, I don’t think this is black-and-white / either-or; I think we can exercise compassion for ourselves while serving others compassionately.]
 
Gwena continues:  If the Lord has compassion for us, whom He died for, sacrificing all because of His love for us, shouldn’t we have compassion toward ourselves for being human? If your young child who fears doctors, bursts into tears at the sight of the needle when getting his immunization shots, you and the nurse don’t yell at him or call him names, do you? No! As a parent, you provide reassurance and seek to know what you can do to alleviate your child’s anxiety while the nurse adds clear instructions and follows protocol. Likewise, we have been given a clear way to bring us back from breaking God’s law. That pathway is repentance. But let’s not neglect the need for understanding and kindness toward ourselves. I encourage you to exert patience and compassion for yourselves when facing your imperfections. … Be kind with yourself, seek to understand, without judging, what the trouble is. Repent if you need to, and then, strive to do better.  


I’m finally liking the idea that I can take time for myself without feeling selfish, while also continuing to appropriately focus on serving others.  There’s a happy medium incorporating both.  I’m hoping to find and feel good about it.  


To be continued . . . with Part 17.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 15

Let’s talk about the need to be “in control.”


Regarding addictions, I’ve never been drawn to things like drugs or alcohol or pornography.  But if I do have an addiction, it’s needing to be in control.  I think that’s where I get my “fix.”  And because it’s not so unacceptable as other addictions, I could indulge and not feel like I was disobeying the commandments.  For a perfectionist, that’s very significant!  Besides, I only recently came to the realization that it was addictive and obsessive.  


I was reading in Alma 30 and came across verse 17.  Here, Alma is describing Korihor, the anti-Christ, and explains how he preached about “the management of the creature.”  It was pretty descriptive of my mentality:  If I can just manage things well and be extremely organized, then maybe I can do a better job at keeping the commandments and avoiding sin.  


That’s an interesting mindset, and I can see why it appealed to me.  But it’s not sustainable.  I live in a fallen world.  I’m a natural man and I make mistakes.  And trying to “manage” things completely means relying on the arm of flesh to make it through.  


That’s the real problem with this kind of thinking, and why it’s anti-Christ.  It denies the atonement.  It attempts to survive on “my own merits.”  It’s trying to show how good I can be without needing the Savior.  And the scriptures are replete with the teaching that “there is no other way or means whereby man can be saved, only in and through Christ” (Alma 38:9).  The more I try to save myself, the further I get from Him and His deliverance.


Another aspect of control is that I can easily become overly concerned about things outside of my control.  In his “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Stephen R Covey teaches about the Circle of Control and the Circle of Concern.  Everything I spend time thinking about is my Circle of Concern.  Everything I can actually influence is my Circle of Control.  


Basically, my existence will be much better if I focus my mental and physical energy only on the things I can personally influence.  Everything else is a distraction that pulls me away from running my life properly.  But ultimately, this smaller focus increases my ability to do good and to lead a more productive life.  

So letting go of the need to control is part of my recovery.  And I believe it’s working, little by little.  


To be continued . . . with Part 16.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 14

We’re encouraged to approach General Conference with questions and challenges about which we want answers and guidance.  So I did that again during the conference earlier this month.  Again, my challenges are primarily around my faulty core thinking, and how that keeps me stuck.  There were some excellent talks with great concepts to help those of us with perfectionistic tendencies, notably the ones given by Elder Hallstrom, Sister Oscarson, Pres. Uchtdorf, and Elder Gong.  But the one that for me was a huge home run, is Elder Holland’s “Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders among You.”  It’s a treasure trove of meme-able quotes. So here are the eight paragraphs that stand out to me:


First of all, if in the days ahead you not only see limitations in those around you but also find elements in your own life that don’t yet measure up to the messages you have heard this weekend, please don’t be cast down in spirit and don’t give up. The gospel, the Church, and these wonderful semiannual gatherings are intended to give hope and inspiration. They are not intended to discourage you. Only the adversary, the enemy of us all, would try to convince us that the ideals outlined in general conference are depressing and unrealistic, that people don’t really improve, that no one really progresses. And why does Lucifer give that speech? Because he knows he can’t improve, he can’t progress, that worlds without end he will never have a bright tomorrow. He is a miserable man bound by eternal limitations, and he wants you to be miserable too. Well, don’t fall for that. With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed.


The Lord declared to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “Verily I say unto you, [the gifts of God] are given for the benefit of those who love me and keep … my commandments, and [for them] that seeketh so to do.” Boy, aren’t we all thankful for that added provision “and … seeketh so to do”! That has been a lifesaver because sometimes that is all we can offer! We take some solace in the fact that if God were to reward only the perfectly faithful, He wouldn’t have much of a distribution list.


Please remember tomorrow, and all the days after that, that the Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going.


“As you desire of me so it shall be done unto you,” the Lord has declared. I love that doctrine! It says again and again that we are going to be blessed for our desire to do good, even as we actually strive to be so.


My brothers and sisters, the first great commandment of all eternity is to love God with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength—that’s the first great commandment. But the first great truth of all eternity is that God loves us with all of His heart, might, mind, and strength. That love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor.


President George Q. Cannon once taught: “No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character [to do so]. … He will [always] stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them.”


Now, with that majestic devotion ringing from heaven as the great constant in our lives, manifested most purely and perfectly in the life, death, and Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, we can escape the consequences of both sin and stupidity—our own or that of others—in whatever form they may come to us in the course of daily living. If we give our heart to God, if we love the Lord Jesus Christ, if we do the best we can to live the gospel, then tomorrow—and every other day—is ultimately going to be magnificent, even if we don’t always recognize it as such. Why? Because our Heavenly Father wants it to be! He wants to bless us. A rewarding, abundant, and eternal life is the very object of His merciful plan for His children! It is a plan predicated on the truth “that all things work together for good to them that love God.” So keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever.


If gospel standards seem high and the personal improvement needed in the days ahead seems out of reach, remember Joshua’s encouragement to his people when they faced a daunting future. “Sanctify yourselves,” he said, “for to morrow the Lord will do wonders among you.”


I love Elder Holland!  I could have just said in this blog, “Go read the talk.”


If you’ve read any of the other posts on this blog, you’ll recognize how the teachings in this talk are spot-on in helping me recover from my perfectionism.  This is exactly what I need to hear and feel.  It’s a powerful testimony that the Lord speaks directly to us through His servants.  
To be continued . . . with Part 15.
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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 13

Last month I broke my wrist.  I’d like to say I broke it snowboarding and doing 360’s or fighting off martial artists, but you probably know me better than that.  I was walking in the parking lot, slipped on the ice, and put out my hand to catch myself.  I’ve lived in Rexburg for over 30 years and slipped on ice numerous times, but this is the first time I’ve broken a bone here.  


The attending physician looked at the x-rays and pronounced it broken—in a few pieces.  He said I would likely need to have pins, screws, or plates installed.  He gave me a prescription for a narcotic and sent me home.  


The next morning I had an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon.  He took more x-rays and said he thought he could put the bones in place and cast it, thus avoiding surgery.  I readily agreed.  He told me to clench my jaw, then he twisted and tugged a bit while I yelled in pain.  But at least I didn’t have to go under the knife.  


So I ended up in a cast for several weeks.


When this initially happened, I thought about how inconvenient it would be to live one-handed.  My thought was, “Why me?”  Didn’t God know how much I had on my plate?  This could really cramp my style!  


But then I remembered that the “why” questions are pretty useless.  Instead, I asked, “What is God trying to teach me through this?”  And there are at least the following two things I’ve learned through it.  


It’s OK to ask for help.  
I tend to be quite self-sufficient and I’ve viewed asking for help as an indication that I’m less capable.  But it’s really hard to do some things with one hand:  button up my shirt (especially the top button), put on a tie, put on my seatbelt, open a bag of tortilla chips, slice a tomato, unscrew the lids on so many containers, shave, change a lightbulb, type on a keyboard, etc.  Plus, I’m not supposed to get the cast wet, so I can’t do dishes.  And I have to put it in a plastic bag when I take a shower.  All of this means I have to ask others for help.  Part of the challenge is that I don’t want to impose on others, because I know we are all busy and have our own things to do.  But the other part of it is a pride issue.  


When I’m doing things with one hand, everything seems to take so much longer.  Which brings me to the second thing I’ve learned.


It’s good to slow down.  
I’m the type of person who is always trying to be productive and efficient.  Always trying to get more done.  I like it if I can “kill two birds with one stone.”  Hey, why not three … or more?  I’m quite impatient.  Let’s get this wrist thing out of the way and over with so I can get on with life.  


“Be still and know that I am God,” the Lord entreats.  So I’ve taken a bit of time off work.  And I have to be careful not to lift or pull.  This means I’ve often needed to just sit still and keep my wrist elevated.  I’ve discovered mindfulness/meditation.  I’m learning to live in the moment.  I can just be conscious of the world around me, and not be always planning what I’m going to do next.  I can sit and visit with someone.  


These two concepts are at odds with my past perfectionistic way of life.  But the change feels good.  It actually feels like I’m being more productive, while being less productive—if that makes sense.  I’m learning some great things, while taking it easy.  
To be continued . . . with Part 14.
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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 12

I’d like to return to a topic I discussed in Part 3—Shame.  Brené Brown, who I consider to be one of the foremost experts on shame research, teaches that “the less we talk about shame, the more we have it.”  Conversely, the more we talk about it, the less we have it.  So let’s talk some more about it.


Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of connection or belonging.”  By identifying shame and acknowledging it in my life, I take the first step toward managing shame instead of letting shame manage me.  


Everyone experiences shame, but when I am subjected to it on a regular basis without the chance to rebuild trust, I internalize it and it becomes toxic.  


The other foremost expert on shame is John Bradshaw.  His book “Healing the Shame that Binds Us” is a New York Times #1 Bestseller and has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address these root causes, and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past failures.


Rather than summarize Bradshaw’s teachings here, I highly recommend that you simply watch his video of the same name as his book.  It consists of six segments, each one less than 10 minutes in length.  So in less than an hour, you can watch them all on YouTube.  Set aside an hour when you can focus.  Start with Part 1 and then continue with the other five.  He’s not only very knowledgeable, but he’s also a dynamic and engaging presenter.


One difference between the teachings of Brené Brown and John Bradshaw is that Bradshaw differentiates between “healthy shame” and “toxic shame.” Brené, on the other hand differentiates between “guilt” and “shame.”  I prefer this distinction, since I feel that shame is never healthy.  Guilt, however, can be beneficial when it causes us to repent. (See Alma 42:29)

I remember when someone first suggested that perhaps I might be experiencing some shame, based upon my reactions to some incidents.  I was in complete denial—not because I disagreed with the diagnosis, but because I was oblivious to shame and its effects.  How grateful I am now that I can recognize it for what it is, and that I am learning to be shame resilient.  

To be continued .. . with Part 13.
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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 11

Joseph Smith, in Lectures on Faith wrote:
“Let us here observe, that three things are necessary in order that any rational and intelligent being may exercise faith in God unto life and salvation.
1. First, the idea that He actually exists.
2. Secondly, a correct idea of His character, perfections, and attributes.
3. Thirdly, an actual knowledge that the course of life which he is pursuing is according to His will.”  
(Joseph Smith, Lectures on Faith, 3:2-5)


As I’ve encountered this teaching over the years, the first two points are great and I believe I can comply with them.  It’s the third point that has given me cause to hesitate: A knowledge that the course of life I am pursuing is in accordance with His will.  


This is an interesting consideration.  Does this mean that I need to be perfect?  No.  It means that my journey is acceptable to God.  I believe that every positive step on that journey, every effort I make is pleasing to God, and in accordance with His will for me at that point in my progression.  


He doesn’t expect me to run faster than I have strength.  He wants me to progress line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little.  (See 2 Nephi 28:30 and Isaiah 28:13.)


Here’s a concept that was stated by Pres. Lorenzo Snow, Pres. Joseph Fielding Smith, Pres. Thomas S. Monson, and Elder David A. Bednar (and most recently in last October Conference by Elder Larry A. Lawrence) about just becoming a little better each day:


Pres. Lorenzo Snow:  “Do not expect to become perfect at once.  If you do, you will be disappointed.  Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today.”  (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Lorenzo Snow, Chapter 6.)


Pres. Joseph Fielding Smith:  “It is our duty to be better today than we were yesterday, and better tomorrow than we are today.”  (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Fielding Smith, Chapter 18.)


Pres. Thomas S.  Monson:  “In the search for our best selves, several questions will guide our thinking: Am I what I want to be? Am I closer to the Savior today than I was yesterday? Will I be closer yet tomorrow? Do I have the courage to change for the better?”  (General Conference, Oct. 1999)


Elder David A. Bednar:  “If today you are a little bit better than you were yesterday, then that’s enough. And, if tomorrow you are a little bit better than you were today, then that’s enough.”  (Facebook Post)


I also like this statement by Brigham Young. He is often seen as a very strict and rigid man, when it comes to keeping commandments, so this seemed out of character:  
“It may appear strange to some of you, and it certainly does to the world, to say it is possible for a man or woman to become perfect on this earth.  It is written, ‘Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.’ If this passage is not worded to our understanding we can alter the phraseology of the sentence, and say, ‘Be ye as perfect as ye can,’ for that is all we can do, though it is written, be ye perfect as your Father who is in heaven is perfect. . . . When we are doing as well as we know how in the sphere and station which we occupy here, we are justified in the justice, righteousness, mercy, and judgment that go before the Lord of heaven and earth. We are as justified as the angels who are before the throne of God. (Discourses of Brigham Young, 89).


To me, that helps me to know that if I’m getting a little better every day, then that’s all the Lord expects of me — the course of life I’m pursuing is in accordance with His will.  And this should enable me to exercise greater faith in Him.  
To be continued . . . with Part 12.
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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 10

For a perfectionist, creating New Year’s resolutions is an interesting prospect.  Because I tend to see things in extremes, I’ll either set very optimistic, even unrealistic goals.  Or I’ll settle into setting goals that are quite comfortable, that I know I can easily reach.  In my younger years I would typically choose the former.  Now that I’m older, I lean toward the latter.  


new_years_resolutions_list.jpgPerfectionism sometimes causes me to avoid trying new things because of the fear of failure.  Letting go of the need to be perfect can give me the courage to try these things because failing at them is OK.  


It may be helpful to think of FAIL as First Attempt In Learning.  


I’m so impressed with I talk I recently read; I’d like to share some things that stood out to me.  This talk was given at a devotional earlier this year by Kevin J. Worthen, President at BYU.  It’s called Successfully Failing: Pursuing Our Quest for Perfection.  These quotes are taken from the text of the talk:


Failing is an essential part of the mortal phase of our quest for perfection. We don’t often think of it that way, but that is only because we tend to focus too much on the word perfection and not enough on the word quest. Failure is an inevitable part of the quest. In our quest for perfection, how we respond when we fail will ultimately determine how well we will succeed.

Failing is a critical component of our eternal progress—our quest for perfection. And because of the Atonement we can—if we respond to failures in the right way—be blessed with a new kind of learning that allows our failures to become part of the perfecting process. As Elder Bruce C. Hafen has explained, the beauty of the gospel is that “because of the Atonement, we can learn from our mistakes without being condemned by them.” What a wonderful blessing that absolutely marvelous and indispensable portion of the plan of salvation provides to each of us, if we will but take advantage of it.

worthenk.jpgIn our own personal lives, willful failure in important, routine things we can control constitutes sin, which we should avoid as much as possible. In things that are routine but essential to our eternal progress—things like daily prayer, daily scripture study, and regular church attendance—we should strive to eliminate all failings. In these matters we can come very close to perfection very quickly, and it is important that we do so, because success in these endeavors provides the secure foundation that allows us to deal effectively with the other two kinds of failure.

We should not be so fearful of failing that we avoid trying new or hard things merely because their very newness or difficulty increases the risk of failure. Don’t let concern for protecting your grade point average dictate the courses you take. Challenge yourself, academically and in other ways. You may discover skills, talents, and joys you would otherwise miss out on. Your mortal experience will be a more productive part of your quest for perfection if you intentionally stretch yourself with new challenges, especially those that involve a real risk of failure.

Finally, we can be assured that however we have failed, it can, from an eternal perspective, be changed. The Atonement is that powerful and that comprehensive. As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland put it: 


If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. . . . If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.

Because of the Atonement, all failures are changeable and temporary, except the one that occurs when we give up. So whatever you do, don’t you dare give up.

Too often we ask the wrong question when we fail. We ask, “Am I good enough?” But the real question is, “Is God good enough?” Is He as good as He says He is? Can He really deliver on His promise that “all things” will “work together for [our] good” if we will trust Him and strive to do the best we can and keep going whenever we fall short?
I testify that He is. God is as good, as powerful, as loving, as patient, and as consistent as He says He is. He gave His Son so that we might move forward in our quest for perfection with full confidence and assurance that we will succeed despite our failures.


What powerful truths!  This talk puts me in the right frame of mind to create my resolutions.  I won’t be so afraid to try new or difficult things, because even if I fail, I’ll be learning valuable lessons in the process.  

I also really love this quote by Pres. Monson: Our task it to become our best selves. One of God’s greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final.  

To be continued . . . with Part 11.
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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 9

Sometimes it’s hard to see that I actually am making progress in my struggle with perfectionism, that I really am “in recovery.”  So when I see evidence, it’s healthy for me to acknowledge it and to also recognize from whence those positive changes come—the Lord changing my heart.  Here are a few instances where I’ve recently seen the hand of the Lord in my life:


The Isaiah Chapters
In the past when I’ve read the Isaiah chapters in 2 Nephi, I’ve approached them with apprehension.  It seems that the main theme was God’s fierce anger and how He would burn the wicked as a stubble.  Of course, I always included myself among the wicked, because I wasn’t perfect.  But this time, I got a whole different message from these chapters:  The Lord would be born of a virgin—the Prince of Peace and Light of the World, He would gather scattered Israel, restore His gospel—a marvelous work and a wonder, build a latter-day temple, and bring a peaceful millennium where the earth will be full of the knowledge of Him.  I didn’t really plan to see these chapters differently, it just happened.  I saw more of the “good” prophecies.  


Music in My Life
I’ve always been musical.  Growing up, my family members all sang and played musical instruments.  I played the trombone in the band since 6th grade through high school, including marching band, pep band, concert band, and jazz band.  I sang in the concert choir and madrigal group in high school.  My brothers and I sang a lot of barbershop.  I was assistant director of the choir in college.  I sang with the BYU Young Ambassadors (that’s me just left of center in the photo) and in the Mormon Youth Chorus.  I wrote songs and recorded an album that was distributed by Deseret Book.  I directed a fireside singing group “Listen,” a Christmas performing group “Spirit of the Season,” and a vocal jazz group “Singcopation” for many years. And I was the Ward Choir Director for over four years.


All this time I’ve approached music from primarily a left-brain stance.  I would notice the choral structures, the instrumentation, the rhythms, the order of the pieces in a program, etc., for the most part analyzing the music.  


But lately I’ve experienced music in a more aesthetic way.  I notice the beauty, the message, the spirit, and the way it makes me feel.  This is new to me.  It’s more creative and less intellectual.  I really like it.  


Self Worth
Because my primary love language is words of affirmation, I have tended to crave praise and verbal “pats on the back.”  If I accomplished something and nobody mentioned that I had done a “good job,” I’d wonder about my self worth.  I would easily become defensive if I felt someone was being critical of me.  


It’s a pride issue and I’m not claiming to be over it.  But it’s not as important to me as it used to be.  The more I feel good about myself—that I’m valuable just the way I am—the less I need to rely on the praise of the world to give me my sense of worth.  


The Race of Life
Here’s a great quote I like by Pres. Uchtdorf:  “This race of discipleship is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. And it makes little difference how fast we go. In fact, the only way we can lose the race is by finally giving in or giving up. As long as we continue to rise up and move toward our Savior, we win the race with our torches burning brightly. For the torch is not about us or about what we do. It is about the Savior of the world. And that is a Light that can never be dimmed. It is a Light that swallows the darkness, heals our wounds, and blazes even in the midst of the deepest sorrow and unfathomable darkness.”

To be continued . . . with Part 10.