The Reunion and Self-care

Part of my perfectionism is the desire to avoid rejection. If I don’t perform at a certain level of excellence it won’t be acceptable to others. Another part is the desire to fit in. I need to meet the expectations of others, in order to belong. 

This past weekend I attended a family reunion at Grandpa’s Farm in Southern Utah. My mother’s side of the family holds an extended reunion on the last weekend in June on the odd years. My maternal grandfather, Arthur Delano Cox had a farm just west of Rockville and across the river from Grafton. He passed it on to his oldest son Alma Cox, who ran the farm until he became too old. Then he passed it on to his oldest son, Tracy Cox. Tracy has maintained the farm and made it available to the family for reunions. 

Typically, we’ve had assignments as part of the reunion activities, and the responsibilities (meals, games, hikes, swimming, program, etc.) would rotate through the 1st generation cousins. And, because of my perfectionism, I’ve usually felt a lot of pressure to get things exactly right, whatever my responsibility was. And it took precedence over developing connections with my relatives. This is the Martha vs. Mary issue. And I’ve tended to be a Martha in the past.

But many of the responsibilities have now been passed down to the next generation. So I was able to mostly just relax, and spend time with family. It was different and wonderful. 

Many of the attendees camp at the farm for a few days. So there are a lot of tents, RVs, trailers, etc. But this time I reserved a hotel in LaVerkin (about 17 minutes from the farm). I was able to sleep in a comfortable bed and get a shower each morning. This meant getting good sleep and helping me have a better start to the day. I also picked up some healthy food and put it in a cooler, so I wouldn’t be at the mercy of whatever was being served. 

So this year, I did more to promote my own self-care. And it felt really good. When I’m healthier mentally and emotionally, I bring a healthier version of myself to others. 

To be continued . . . with Part 100.

Resources for Youth

I was grateful to see this article in the For the Strength of Youth magazine a few months ago. I’m glad youth are given an opportunity to see perfection in a healthier way. 

The Savior said, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). This is not an invitation to do everything flawlessly. It is an invitation to better understand Heavenly Father’s plan and follow Him.

In the New Testament, the Greek word for perfect means complete, whole, or fully developed, having reached an end-goal. Jesus Christ invites us to strive for that kind of perfection. And He alone can help us to reach it—eventually.

Our Father in Heaven wants us to have the physical and spiritual perfection He has. Then we can have a fulness of joy like He has. Through Jesus Christ’s Resurrection and atoning sacrifice, we can be made perfect—eventually.

Heavenly Father knows that we cannot be perfect in this life. But in His plan, we can choose to have faith in Jesus Christ, make covenants, strive to keep God’s commandments, and repent whenever we falter. Then He can bless us in this life and—eventually, after this life—make us perfect.

And this article by Elder Holland was in the same issue of the FSY magazine—also giving hope to youth. 

The scriptures were written to bless and encourage us, and surely they do that. But have you noticed that every now and then a passage will appear that reminds us we are falling a little short? For example: “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father … in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). With that commandment, we want to go back to bed and pull the covers over our head. Such a celestial goal seems beyond our reach. Yet surely the Lord would never give us a commandment He knew we could not keep.

“Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him,” Moroni pleads. “Love God with all your might, mind and strength, then … by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ” (Moroni 10:32; emphasis added). Our only hope for true perfection is in receiving it as a gift from heaven—we can’t “earn” it.

Except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement and avoid excessive expectations of ourselves and of others.

If we persevere, then somewhere in eternity our refinement will be finished and complete—which is the New Testament meaning of perfection.

I wish I’d had articles such as these in The New Era when I was a kid. But then, I don’t know that perfectionism was talked about, much less understood on a general level in the ‘70s. With more helpful information, youth today may be able to avoid some of the pitfalls of past generations. 

To be continued . . . with Part 98.

The Imperfect Harvest

This month, I recommend a talk from the recent General Conference: Elder Vern P. Stanfill’s “The Imperfect Harvest.” Here’s a short excerpt. 

Remember that perfectionism is not the same as being perfected in Christ. Perfectionism requires an impossible, self-inflicted standard that compares us to others. This causes guilt and anxiety and can make us want to withdraw and isolate ourselves. Becoming perfected in Christ is another matter. It is the process—lovingly guided by the Holy Ghost—of becoming more like the Savior.

You can read, hear, and view the whole talk here. 

To be continued . . . with Part 98.

What’s in a name? 

Do you know anyone else named Arlen? It’s not a very common name. I was named after my parents. My dad’s name is Arthur and my mom’s name is Lenna. So they took the Ar from my dad and added the len from my mom, and came up with Arlen. I believe they thought they made it up. 

Apparently, it’s a name of Gaelic origin that means oath, pledge, or promise. Variations of Arlen include: Arlin, Arlan, Arlynn, Arden, Alden, Arlo, Arles, Harlan, and Arland. The female version is Arlene. (Harold Arlen composed the songs for the Wizard of Oz.) 

Rarely, I’ll encounter someone else named Arlen. I probably notice it more because I’m hyper-aware of it. But still, it doesn’t come up too often. 

At times in my life, I’ve been embarrassed by my name, especially when it is mispronounced or when I’m asked how to spell it. And so there are times when I’ve gone by my middle name, David, which is much easier to say and spell. When I order food at a restaurant and they ask for a name, I’ll usually say Dave. 

All this is to say that I’ve not really appreciated my first name much. 

A few weeks ago, I was doing a mindful exercise in which I spent some time with Jesus Christ. As part of the exercise, He showed me where my name was written on the palm of His hand. (See Isaiah 49:16.) I felt humbled, grateful, and fully known as I saw Arlen written on his hand! I recognized that his sacrifice was for me, specifically, personally, individually!

Another experience I had recently was visualizing the parable of the prodigal son. Using an eye of faith, I saw myself coming home to my Father, after having left him for worldly pursuits. As I near my home, I see Him running toward me. He’s laughing and crying at the same time, and also calling my name—Arlen. He says it with so much compassion and joy! I’ve not heard my name spoken that way before. It’s wonderful and healing! 

“But now thus saith the Lord . . . Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.” (See Isaiah 43:1.) 

To be continued . . . with Part 97. 

Living in a higher and holier way

This past Sunday, I led a discussion with our elders quorum. The topic was Elder Uchtdorf’s latest general conference talk, Jesus Christ Is the Strength of Youth, where he introduced the new guide, For the Strength of Youth. Although the guide and his talk were targeted to youth, I believe we all could benefit from the approach taken. 

My main takeaway is that our church leaders (actually, the Lord) are giving us less prescriptive direction so that we can be guided more by doctrines and principles. There is less “thou shalt not” and more “you are free to make your own choices.” We are also encouraged to get our own revelation. 

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve liked having the checklist of do’s and don’t’s. It makes it easy to measure my performance against the expectations. But lately, we’ve been encouraged to live in a higher and holier way. 

I see it not only in this new guidebook, I also see it in:

Ministering vs. home teaching. It’s much less prescriptive. I’m not told how often to visit, or what to teach. In fact, the stat that is recorded is not how many families I visited, but how many ministering interviews were held. 

Come, Follow Me. Instead of just expecting the Church to teach us, learning the Gospel is now Home-centered, Church-supported. Yes, we are encouraged to study a particular topic, but how much or how little I study is up to me. And I’m responsible for my own learning. 

The temple endowment presentation. The newest version tells me up-front what covenants I’ll be making and provides more instruction about the “why’s” of what I’m doing. It’s less mysterious and simpler. It helps me prepare to focus on Jesus and to live the higher law that He taught. (See Hebrews 10:19-20)

Preach My Gospel. When I served a mission many years ago, we memorized the discussions word-perfect. Back then, I don’t think they trusted us to get it right. Now, missionaries are taught principles and doctrines and their teaching is guided more by the spirit. 

The General Handbook. Now that the General Handbook is online, it’s easy for anyone to see that it is more doctrinally based. 

Nevertheless, we do still have rules. The 10 commandments are still valid. But as we study what Jesus taught, especially in the Sermon on the Mount, we can see Him pointing us to a higher way of living: love God and love people. 

I find that when I attempt to live the Gospel in this way, it feels good in my heart. My motives aren’t as suspect. My reasons are more authentic. My desires feel purer. 

To be continued . . . with Part 96.

My Identity

Last night I attended our stake’s Emotional Resilience class. The lesson topic was “Healthy Thinking Patterns” and the particular foundational principle was “Our Divine Identity and Purpose.” 

I found it interesting that, even before we learned about CBT and cognitive distortions, I was invited to consider how my understanding of who I am impacts my ability to think productively. 

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf used a familiar fairytale to illustrate this point: 

Much of the confusion we experience in this life comes from simply not understanding who we are.

One of the most beloved storytellers of all time was the Danish writer Hans Christian Andersen. In one of his stories, “The Ugly Duckling,” a mother duck discovers that one of her newly hatched chicks is unusually large and very ugly. The other ducklings cannot leave the ugly child alone. They punish him mercilessly.

The ugly duckling decides it would be better for everyone if he left his family, and so he ran away. Then one day he sees flying overhead a flock of majestic birds. He takes flight and follows them to a beautiful lake. The ugly duckling looks into the water and sees a reflection of a magnificent swan. The ugly duckling realizes that the reflection is his own! He has discovered who he really is.

Think of where you come from. You are sons and daughters of the greatest, most glorious being in the universe. He loves you with an infinite love. He wants the best for you. This knowledge changes everything. It changes your present. It can change your future. And it can change the world.

If only we understood who we are and what is in store for us, our hearts would overflow with such gratitude and happiness that it would enlighten even the darkest sorrows with the light and love of God.

Of course, there will always be voices telling you that you are foolish to believe that you are swans, insisting that you are but ugly ducklings and that you can’t expect to become anything else. But you know better. You are no ordinary beings. You are glorious and eternal.

I plead with you—just look into the water and see your true reflection! It is my prayer and blessing that when you look at your reflection, you will be able to see beyond imperfections and self-doubts and recognize who you truly are: glorious sons and daughters of Almighty God.

We might take on identifiers and labels, based on our ethnicity, interests, tendencies, etc. In a Facebook post this past summer, President Russell M. Nelson taught:  

Labels can be fun and indicate your support for any number of positive things. But if any label replaces your most important identifiers, the results can be spiritually suffocating. I believe that if the Lord were speaking to you directly, the first thing He would make sure you understand is your true identity. My dear friends, you are literally spirit children of God.

No identifier should displace, replace, or take priority over these three enduring designations:

• Child of God
• Child of the covenant
• Disciple of Jesus Christ

Any identifier that is not compatible with those three basic designations will ultimately let you down. Make no mistake about it: Your potential is divine. With your diligent seeking, God will give you glimpses of who you may become.

It’s true. How I feel about myself definitely influences my thinking. It’s easier to be kind to myself if I’m able to see myself more the way God sees me. He wants me to value myself as His beloved child and not as the world judges. My perfectionistic thoughts could cause me to doubt God’s love for me and my divine nature and purpose. 

To be continued . . . with Part 95.

Aren’t You Tired?

For this post, I’m going to put in a plug for a book I recently finished. It is Aren’t You Tired?: Embracing the Lord’s Call to Enter His Rest by Jaci Wightman. 

One of the book’s premises is that we can spend a lot of time doing “good” things but not feeling the peace or rest the Lord promised. 

The Savior offered us rest. “He said, Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” 

But if I approach it with a long checklist of things to do, I may end up just feeling tired of striving so hard. 

There was a group of men who were famous for that. The Pharisees. If following a list of rules is where it’s at, they were the best. And yet Jesus called them out time after time. Why? 

They focused on the letter of the law and not the spirit. They did good to be seen of men. They honored Him with their lips, but their hearts were far from Him. Their hearts were far from him.

So maybe our hearts are the heart of the matter—our desires, our motives, our reasons for why we do what we do. 

For much of my life, I also did good to be seen of men. I wanted their praise and recognition. 

I was like the people who said to Jesus, “Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will he profess unto them, I never knew you (or as Joseph Smith taught it, ye never knew me): depart from me, ye that work iniquity.” (See Matt 7:22-23.)

Again, I was doing good things, but didn’t really know the Lord. Well, recently I’ve come to know Him better.

Am I saved by the grace of Christ or not? Can I earn my way into heaven? 

Read the book. 

To be continued . . . with Part 94. 

What my struggles have taught me

A friend of mine recently asked me the question, “Where do you think you’d be today if you hadn’t had to deal with ______ all your life?” (Insert whatever challenges, trials, and adversities you’ve been through.)

My knee-jerk response was that life would have been happier and more enjoyable. But as I dig a little deeper, I come to a different conclusion.

In “It’s a Wonderful Life,” George Baily is given a chance to see what the world would have been like if he hadn’t been born. Even though he experienced many difficulties, he was able to see that his impact on his family and community was significant.

In Season 3 of “The Chosen,” Jesus’ apostle, James, walks with a limp. Jesus could have healed him, but He didn’t. Why not? Because of what he will do, in spite of the infirmity. (Read more about it here.)

The Apostle Paul prayed multiple times that his “thorn in the flesh” would be removed. But it wasn’t. Because Jesus’ grace was sufficient. (2 Cor. 12:7)

I’m impressed with the story of Squanto, famous because of how he helped the Pilgrims and contributed to the tradition of the first Thanksgiving in the New World. But as a young brave, Squanto had been brutally captured and sold in Spain as a slave. Overcoming many trials, he eventually makes it back to America and to his childhood home, only to find that his people are gone. If he hadn’t experienced those difficulties, he wouldn’t have been in America to help the Pilgrims be successful. (You can read more about it here.)

There were times in my life when I prayed and asked God “Why do I need to go through this struggle?” Especially when the struggle results in poor choices and feelings of low self-worth.

Janet Lee, wife of former BYU President Rex Lee wrote:

A few years ago, my sister and I were walking along the beach when we began a very serious talk about life, its challenges, and our growing ability to handle whatever came to us. “I think I have lived enough of life now that I could handle any challenge given me,” I naively stated. “I think I could too,” was my sister’s quick reply.

Then the question that I will remember forever came from her: “Janet, what would be your most difficult challenge?” I didn’t even need to think. I already knew. “The hardest thing for me,” I began, “would be the death of my husband. I can’t imagine life without Rex.”

“That would be hard,” she answered, “but I think divorce would be even more difficult for me.”

The preposterousness of our fears was interesting. Rex was running marathons and was the picture of health. My sister’s marriage seemed very much intact. We laughed at suggestions that couldn’t possibly become realities.

Just eight months later, Rex lay near death in a hospital, and my sister’s divorce proceedings had begun. Remembering that day and the year that followed will always bring back bittersweet memories for me. My sister and I most certainly would not have chosen those colors from our box of choices, but we had to pull our lives together, working with the colors that were there. Today after her sad divorce, my sister is building a new marriage with a wonderful man, and my life with Rex is rich and full. My choice would not have been to experience what was given me, yet as a result each day is filled with deeper meaning, greater understanding, and new insights. If I could trade it all back now and take the challenges away, I would do so in a minute. I don’t like the fact that my husband has cancer. It is definitely different from the life I had in mind for us. But if I could turn back the clock, would I also have to trade in what I have learned? I wouldn’t want to give that part back. Always having our first choice might mean giving up unknown benefits. A wise man once said, “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else.” (Read the full article here.) 

So now, after looking back, I would offer a similar sentiment to my friend. I wouldn’t want to have experienced the suffering and difficulties, but I wouldn’t want to have missed what I’ve learned from it. Because of what it has taught me. 

Even Jesus asked, “If it be possible, let this cup pass from me.” (Matt 26:39) And yet He still suffered unimaginably. He was glorified through what He experienced. And through His atonement, he became the Savior, Redeemer of mankind. 

To be continued . . . with Part 93.

Feeling the Savior’s Love

If you’re like me, you’ve had a hard time feeling the Lord’s love for you. My perfectionistic voice tells me that unless I get everything right, I’m unloveable. So, I’ve worked hard to overcome that core belief, which is faulty, but which was ingrained in me from a young age. 

When I encountered this video by John Bytheway, it had such great ideas about how to deal with this issue, I had to share it here. It lasts about 20 minutes. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. 

Feeling the Savior’s Love by John Bytheway | Digital Fireside

To be continued . . . with Part 92

Gentle and Kind

Music has been a significant part of my life. But my emphasis has been mostly on organizing, performing, and directing. In recent years, I’ve been able to appreciate music for how it can influence me, personally. So I’m now more aware of how musical messages can bless and inspire me. 

For example, I have a lot of the hymns in our church hymnbook memorized. So, for most of my life, I could potentially sing them mindlessly, almost like reciting the ABCs, and wouldn’t even need to open the hymnbook while singing them. Some time ago I began opening to the hymns (especially the sacrament hymns) while singing, even though I “know” the songs. This is so that I can see the lyrics and better internalize them. 

The messages of two songs have helped me deal with my perfectionism in healthier ways. 

Michael McLean’s Gentle helps me slow down a bit and not need to be in accomplishment mode so much. I’ll include the lyrics here, in case you want to read along while listening to it. 

Like a gentle wind can blow the clouds from the sky, 
Like a gentle touch can ease the pain of goodbye, 
Like a gentle smile embraces empty souls in lonely places,
We can be more gentle with ourselves. 

Like the friend who gently builds us up when we’re down, 
Like a gentle kiss can turn our world all around. 
We’ve been hurt by others often, and we’ve forgiven and we’ve forgotten.
We can be that gentle with ourselves. 

Life can be hard but we need not be 
So hard on ourselves, if we’ll just see…
Like the Shepherd leads His flock with gentle commands, 
With His gentle voice that only our hearts can understand, 

One thing we can know for certain, He has borne the awful burdens 
So we can be gentle with ourselves. 
One thing that I know for certain: He will bear my every burden, 
So I can be gentle with myself. 

Andrew Peterson’s Be Kind to Yourself has a similar message which can be really helpful in dealing with perfectionist thinking. I love how he’s singing it to his daughter in this video. 

You got all that emotion that’s heaving like an ocean
And you’re drowning in a deep, dark well
I can hear it in your voice that if you only had a choice
You would rather be anyone else

I love you just the way that you are
I love the way He made your precious heart

Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself

I know it’s hard to hear it when that anger in your spirit
Is pointed like an arrow at your chest
When the voices in your mind are anything but kind
And you can’t believe your Father knows best

I love you just the way that you are
I love the way He’s shaping your heart

Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself

How does it end when the war that you’re in
Is just you against you against you
Gotta learn to love, learn to love
Learn to love your enemies too

You can’t expect to be perfect
It’s a fight you’ve gotta forfeit
You belong to me whatever you do
So lay down your weapon, darling
Take a deep breath and believe that I love you

Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself
Be kind to yourself

To be continued . . . with Part 91