Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 132

Last Saturday, I was with a group of friends on a bike trip in Southern Utah. The canyons there are gorgeous. Near the end of the trail, I lost control of my bike and wrecked. I injured my leg. My doctor calls it a hamstring strain. After x-rays and ultrasound images, it was determined that the injury wasn’t a tear or a break, just a pulled muscle and strain on the associated tendons and ligaments.

This was my first time having a pulled hamstring. I was unaware of how painful it could be. My friends offered me Advil and suggested that, in my situation, I could take more than the recommended daily dose. It was difficult to just walk, let alone sit, stand, drive, or even lie down. I gained a new appreciation for others who go through this type of challenge.

When the time came for me to return to Idaho, driving seemed daunting, since pushing on the pedals increased the pain in my right leg. Again, friends came to my aid and drove me most of the way home. Another friend encouraged me to try using my left foot on the pedals. Although awkward, this worked well, and I navigated the last leg of the trip without incident.

Since returning, I’ve experienced care and help from my doctor, physical therapist, massage therapist, family members, and a priesthood blessing.

This whole ordeal has caused a lot of pain, inconvenience, worry, and stress. And while I know that others have it a lot worse, my point isn’t to compare my struggles with others.

Previous versions of myself would have reacted to this challenge with negative thoughts:

What did I do to deserve this?
Is this a punishment for not keeping the commandments with enough exactness?
How am I supposed to function optimally with this adversity?

Fortunately, I’m receiving greater understanding of the purpose of suffering/affliction.

Last Saturday’s bike wreck has stayed with me, not just because of the physical pain, but because of what it revealed about an old pattern in me. As I’ve reflected on the experience, I’ve noticed how quickly my mind wants to move toward perfectionistic interpretations. Even something as simple and human as losing control of a bike can start to feel like a personal failure, or worse, a spiritual one.

There’s a version of me that tries to make sense of pain by assigning blame.

What did I do wrong?
Why wasn’t I more careful?
Shouldn’t I be better than this by now?

That line of thinking can subtly shift into something even heavier:

Is this somehow a reflection of my standing with God?
Am I falling short in ways that are now catching up to me?

Perfectionism has a way of turning everyday adversity into a verdict on our worth or righteousness.

But this experience has given me a chance to see things differently. The reality is, I was on a beautiful trail, doing something good with good people, and an accident happened. Not everything painful is a consequence. Not every setback is a sign that something is wrong with me spiritually. Sometimes, it’s just part of living in a mortal body in a fallen world.

What has stood out to me even more than the injury itself is the outpouring of support that followed. Friends stepping in without hesitation. Creative solutions, like learning to drive with my left foot. Skilled professionals helping me heal. Family offering care. A priesthood blessing bringing peace. When I step back, I see that this experience wasn’t evidence of God’s disapproval; it was actually filled with evidence of His awareness of me. His help didn’t come by preventing the fall, but by surrounding me with grace afterward.

I’m learning that a more gospel-centered way to approach challenges isn’t to ask, “What did I do to deserve this?” but rather, “What is God showing me through this?” or “How is He supporting me in this?” The scriptures don’t teach that we earn a pain-free life through exactness. They teach that the Savior will be with us in our afflictions. That’s a very different lens.

Perfectionism says I should always be functioning at 100%, always in control, always improving without interruption. The gospel teaches something more merciful and truer: that growth often comes through limitation, that weakness is part of the plan, and that Christ meets us in those very places, not once we’ve overcome them.

This experience has reminded me that I don’t need to turn every hardship into a self-evaluation. I can let it be what it is: a hard thing, and then look for God’s hand within it. Instead of measuring myself against an unrealistic standard of constant optimal performance, I can receive help, adapt, and trust that the Lord is more interested in my reliance on Him than in my ability to avoid every misstep.

I’m still healing, physically and otherwise. But I’m grateful for what this has softened in me. Maybe the real “progress” isn’t in avoiding falls altogether, but in learning how to receive grace more readily when they happen.

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 130

I turned 70 this month. I won’t pretend that number didn’t give me pause. Birthdays like this tend to invite thoughts of years lived, mistakes made, blessings received, and questions still unanswered.

One thing has become clearer to me. If I want these later years to be peaceful and meaningful, I have to be careful not to turn my old perfectionism inward and let it rob me of joy. I don’t want to spend my time sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch, watching cars drive up and down the road, and yelling at the neighbor kids to stay off the lawn.  

For many of us in the Church, perfectionism doesn’t always look harsh or self-centered. Sometimes it comes out more subtly. It sounds like: I should be stronger than this by now. I should have more faith. I shouldn’t still be struggling with my body, my energy, or my emotions.

We know the scripture about becoming “perfect in Christ,” but somewhere along the way, some of us learned to interpret that as being hard on ourselves until we finally get it right.

Aging has a way of revealing how unkind that approach really is. Our bodies slow down. Energy comes and goes. Old regrets sometimes resurface. And if we’re not careful, we start treating these natural parts of aging as personal failures rather than normal parts of mortality.

One of the most freeing realizations I’ve had is this: aging is not a performance review. It’s not a test to see whether we exercised enough, served enough, or overcame everything we thought we should have overcome by now. Mortality doesn’t work that way. The gospel teaches us that growth is lifelong. And also, that weakness is not evidence that I’m a disappointment to God. “I give unto men weakness,” the Lord says, not as punishment, but as an invitation to humility and grace.

When we’re younger, much of life is about building careers, families, testimonies, and callings. Later life invites a different kind of discipleship. Less proving. More receiving. Receiving help. Receiving rest. Receiving the fact that slowing down doesn’t mean we’re sliding backward spiritually. I’ve noticed that people who seem to age with the most peace are not those who cling tightly to who they used to be, but those who allow themselves to become who they are now, without shame.

One of the quiet tasks of aging is learning to put down the internal checklist. The one that keeps track of 1) what I should still be able to do, 2) what others my age seem to be doing better, and 3) what I wish I had done differently.

For my birthday, my wife gave me a mug. On the outside, it says “Man of wisdom.” I hope that’s who I’m becoming. 

As I step into this new decade, my goal is not to age flawlessly or even impressively. My goal is to age faithfully. To trust that the Lord is far more interested in my heart than in my productivity.

If perfectionism once pushed me forward, I no longer want it driving the rest of the journey. There is a quieter strength available now, one rooted in humility, compassion, and trust in Christ.

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 129

Last month, Elder Karl D. Hirst, General Authority Seventy, spoke at a BYU-Idaho Devotional. His talk was about repentance, which, for me, is linked to perfectionism. I’ve written about that connection in previous blog posts. 

For most of my life, I’ve had a pretty specific relationship with repentance. In my mind, it was mostly about clearing guilt, coming clean, and trying to avoid sinning in the future. But listening to this talk, I had a surprising realization. Repentance isn’t just about cleansing. It’s about changing into a better version of myself, even when I haven’t “messed up.” 

One of the most powerful ideas I heard is that imperfection and weakness are not proof of failure; they’re proof that we’re capable of growth. They’re part of the plan, not a distraction from it. Perfectionism often convinces me that flaws disqualify me. The gospel teaches that flaws prepare me. They make space for Christ’s grace.

Repentance literally means a change of heart and mind, a shift toward God, toward goodness, and toward better thinking and living. Nothing about that definition says repentance is only about sin. It’s about change. That means I can repent when I’m emotionally dysregulated, when I want more patience or optimism, and when I want deeper faith. I don’t need to wait for a big mistake to invite Christ into my life. His enabling power is accessed the same way as His cleansing power, through turning to Him. 

One of the most reassuring truths I heard was this: “Being weak does not mean we are Satan’s, it means we are capable of growth. Our weakness is God’s opportunity. Perfection will take care of itself if we will seek the Lord’s power in our progress and our participation.”

Perfectionism says, “You should have already arrived.” God says, “You are on your way.” Those are very different views.

The most hopeful insight I took away is this: Repenting and rejoicing are much closer than I realized. When I repent and turn toward Christ, I am also turning toward joy. In other words, repentance isn’t a depressing reminder of how far I fall short. It’s a pathway to the happiness and wholeness He wants to give me.

That’s a beautiful way to think about progress. Baby steps still count. Small improvements matter. Even patience in the process is part of the journey. Growth happens gradually, but consistently. He wants me to turn to Him, to use repentance as a tool for transformation, not just correction.

This is possible not because I’m capable enough or disciplined enough, but because the Savior’s grace is enough. That’s the kind of hope I want to carry forward. Not just the hope of being forgiven, but the hope of becoming something new.

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 127

For October, I usually promote a General Conference talk that speaks to the perfectionist part of me. This time, I’ve chosen Elder Kearon’s Jesus Christ and Your New Beginning. Here are some of my favorite parts:

I love the thought of new beginnings, unfettered by past mistakes and failures. I love the message of Lamentations 3:22-23 – “It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”

Take three minutes and listen to this song by Micah Tyler. 

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 123

When I read this post by Bethany Faden on Facebook, I could tell immediately that she was onto something. Rather than link to the post, I’m copying it here in its entirety and giving her full credit for it. 

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 121

After General Conference, for my monthly blog post, I usually choose a talk that deals with some of my perfectionistic tendencies. This time, the obvious choice is Sister Tamara W. Runia, First Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency. Here are some of my favorite quotes from her talk: 

This is one of the concepts that has helped me to become more shame resilient. I distinguish between my infinite worth and my behavior. Although my behavior may be maladaptive at times, my worth in the sight of God never fluctuates. 

You can read the full talk here

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 119

I stumbled across a quote by C.S. Lewis that addresses perfection and how the Lord intends to perfect us. This is great!

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (1952; Harper Collins: 2001)

The Lord’s work and glory is to exalt me. And He knows how to do his work.

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 117

As I look at setting New Year’s resolutions, which is my MO at this time of year, I typically like to choose a word or phrase as a theme for the coming year. I haven’t settled on this one for sure, but I’m leaning toward “be still.” 

I’m grateful that I’m retired and have a little more time to pull back from the daily grind and find peace and calm. It’s nice to not feel the expectation of constantly needing to “get it right” but rather, breathe in the stillness. 

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 115

When I watch General Conference, I listen for specific guidance for those of us who struggle to feel God’s love. Elder Hirst’s talk stood out to me. Let me share some of my favorite parts. 

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 111

The older I get, the more I realize that there is a lot of information out there that is good and true. (Yes, there is also a lot that is bad and false, but stay with me here.) I used to think that if a concept wasn’t spoken over the pulpit at General Conference, then we couldn’t accept it as true. That was absolute thinking. I hope I have a healthier approach now. 

President Nelson taught:

Joseph Smith taught:

Brigham Young taught:

I am encouraged to learn by study and also by faith. I can embrace truth, wherever I find it. May I have the spirit of discernment to distinguish between truth and error.