faith

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 109

God’s Intent Is to Bring You Home

During General Conference, I listen to see who addresses anything pertaining to perfectionism. This time, I chose Elder Kearon’s talk because of the hope it gives for removing barriers to returning to God. It also shows how much God wants us back with Him. I pulled several paragraphs straight from his address: 

My friends, my fellow disciples on the road of mortal life, our Father’s beautiful plan, even His “fabulous” plan, is designed to bring you home, not to keep you out. No one has built a roadblock and stationed someone there to turn you around and send you away. In fact, it is the exact opposite. God is in relentless pursuit of you. He “wants all of His children to choose to return to Him,” and He employs every possible measure to bring you back.

The intent of the Father’s great plan of happiness is your happiness, right here, right now, and in the eternities. It is not to prevent your happiness and cause you instead worry and fear.

The intent of the Father’s plan of redemption is in fact your redemption, your being rescued through the sufferings and death of Jesus Christ, freed from the captivity of sin and death. It is not to leave you as you are.

The intent of the Father’s plan of mercy is to extend mercy as you turn back to Him and honour your covenant of fidelity to Him. It is not to deny mercy and inflict pain and sorrow.

The intent of the Father’s plan of salvation is in fact your salvation in the celestial kingdom of glory as you receive “the testimony of Jesus”10 and offer your whole soul to Him.11 It is not to keep you out.

Jesus’s will is the benevolent Father’s will! He wants to make it possible for every last one of His Father’s children to receive the end goal of the plan—eternal life with Them. None is excluded from this divine potential.

If you are prone to worry that you will never measure up, or that the loving reach of Christ’s infinite Atonement mercifully covers everyone else but not you, then you misunderstand. Infinite means infinite. Infinite covers you and those you love.

Nephi explains this beautiful truth: “He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation.”

The Saviour, the Good Shepherd, goes in search of His lost sheep until He finds them. He is “not willing that any should perish.”

He did not cast away the woman with the issue of blood; He did not recoil from the leper; He did not reject the woman taken in adultery; He did not refuse the penitent—no matter their sin. And He will not refuse you or those you love when you bring to Him your broken hearts and contrite spirits. That is not His intent or His design, nor His plan, purpose, wish, or hope.

No, He does not put up roadblocks and barriers; He removes them. He does not keep you out; He welcomes you in. His entire ministry was a living declaration of this intent.

How could he be more direct? How could I dispute the Lord’s goodness and love? And Elder Kearon’s fun British accent adds to the sweetness of the truths he shares.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 108

Is God disappointed in me?

I’ve asked myself this question many times. I’ve been hypervigilant for words that could give me hope that God isn’t upset, angered, and displeased with me. So I was grateful to hear this two years ago in April Conference: 

“God does not now see, nor has He ever seen, you as someone to be despised. . . He is not ashamed of you or disappointed in you.” —Elder Patrick Kearon 

I’ve known Kurt Francom through his Leading Saints organization, which I started following about seven years ago. Then I met Kurt five years ago at a retreat (see Part 48). I felt a kinship with him as we talked about how we wished our elders quorums were places where men could be more emotionally vulnerable and supportive. And how it’s common to crave the approval of others. And that it’s hard to see God as pleased with us when we make mistakes. So I could see the beginnings of the book taking root back then. 

As I was studying this book, I often thought: “I wish I’d had this years ago.” I also thought of several people I could send a copy to. It’s probably one of the most important books I’ve come across in the last 5 years. And it has only been available since last month. 

Here’s the summary taken from the back cover of the book:

As early as Primary, you may have absorbed this confusing message: “God loves us…but He’s so disappointed in you.”

For a religion that preaches hope, the message of “do more” often seems to win out.

With so many programs, assignments, callings, commandments, standards, and honor codes, how can you keep up?

The adversary highlights the shame you feel when you constantly fall short. Do you feel only heaviness as you consider the Latter-day Saint path to exaltation? How can God not be disappointed in someone like me?

The gospel was never meant to be exhausting, and God has never been disappointed in you.

God isn’t frustrated with you, and He isn’t looking to condemn you. Many are trying to gain strength by doing more, but true strength is found in turning to God.

In this book, you’ll gain an understanding of the following:

• God wants your heart, not your behavior
• Why you need commandments and covenants when God already offers you so much grace
• How God’s acceptance and love propels you into a relationship with Him
• Satan’s most powerful tool is shame, and it controls you more than you realize
• God is strengthening us by revealing our identity

Step into the pages of this book and discover a new relationship with a God who waits to shower you with love and approval. If you’re a Latter-day Saint, it’s time for you to experience the hope, power, and redemption the gospel of Jesus Christ offers.

The full title is Is God Disappointed in Me? Removing Shame from a Gospel of Grace. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve written about the destructive effects of shame several times on this blog. So one of my favorite parts of the book is Chapter Five: Identity. Usually, Satan doesn’t directly try to get me to do bad things. He attacks my identity as a beloved child of God. My divine nature. My infinite worth. He wants me to focus on my behavior more than my heart. It’s a very subtle approach. Yet, it is so effective. 

I highly recommend this book. 

(There’s an Audible version if you prefer to listen. On Amazon, it’s totally worth the $15.99, but you can get it at your local Costco for $9.99.) 

(Kurt has done several interviews/podcasts about this topic. One of my favorites is this one with Ritchie Steadman, host of The Cultural Hall. It’s about 53 minutes.)

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 106

How a formula is born

For this month’s post, I will quote directly from my friend, Jason. It resonates with the perfectionist part of me. 

We men like formulas. We like bullet points. We like bright lines. They make life easier. They cut through mystery and doubt. We’d love it if such things could govern our relationships with God. They would make following him easier, too. At least, we think they would. So we try to create them. It starts innocently: Someone seeks God and finds him—through a specific prayer or practice, or through a particular way of studying Scripture or being in community or doing service. But, then, that person decides that’s “the” way to find God. Others are persuaded, of course, because they want to find God too. And a formula is born, a bullet point, a bright line, a rule about how our relationships with God must look.

The thing is, while God never changes (James 1:17, Hebrews 13:8), our relationships with him do. They’re ever-changing, ever challenging (2 Corinthians 3:18). There’s always more with God. There’s always mystery. And there’s always something new. But because we fear change and fear being challenged, we often cling to what’s worked in the past or what’s worked for someone else. We create a rule, repeat a ritual, but we may not grow and mature in our relationships with God.

Okay, so what do we do?

“Don’t set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do” (Matthew 23:8-10 MSG).

Set aside some time to pray and to listen. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Ask where you might find him next—maybe in Scripture; maybe through serving; or on a short-term mission; or out in his creation; or something else. Let him guide your thoughts. Let him keep you on track.