mental-health

by

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 120

Psychodrama 

This month, I attended two events designed to help me develop my skills in facilitating psychodrama. 

The first was a weekend retreat sponsored by The Crucible Project. Here’s some more information about the organization as taken from their website:

Focus:
The Crucible Project aims to create a world where people live with integrity, grace, and courage, fulfilling their God-given purpose. 

Method:
They achieve this through transformational retreats, groups, and coaching, fostering communities where people live authentically and with integrity. 

Retreats:
These retreats are designed to challenge individuals to take a hard look at their lives, wrestle with God, and discover new truths about themselves, finding freedom to break away from self-sabotaging beliefs. 

Intense Experience:
The Crucible Weekend is an intense experience that can be emotionally, spiritually, and physically challenging. 

Radical Honesty and Grace:
The retreats emphasize radical honesty and grace, creating a space for individuals to wrestle with God and discover new truths about themselves. 

Community:
The Crucible Project fosters a community of men and women who have gone through the retreats, providing support and encouragement. 

Locations:
The Crucible Project has retreats in the United States, International locations, and Second-level Weekends. 

Vision:
Their vision is a world of men and women who live with integrity, grace, and courage. 

Mission:
Their mission is to ignite personal change in men and women through experiencing Jesus, and taking a journey of radical honesty and self-reflection.  

The retreat I attended was held in Empire, CO, about an hour west of Denver, at the Easter Seals Rocky Mountain Village facility. Most of the meetings were held in a lodge, and we stayed in cabins with other men. There were 37 participants and about that same number of staff members. (In the photo, I’m kneeling in front, second from the left.)

The second event I attended was a one-day Guts Work Facilitation Training held in Taylorsville, UT. It was held at the home of a man who was willing to host it free of charge. Eleven of us were in attendance, men who had previously participated in the Mankind Project NWTA weekend. Three were staff members, and the other eight of us were attendees. 

I’ve had a lot of talk therapy over the years with various counselors, which has been great, and I’ve needed it. However, this approach was different in that it was more experiential, somatic, and physical. It aligns well with a book I recently studied called “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk. The central premise of the book is that trauma profoundly impacts the brain and body, leading to physical and emotional dysregulation, and that healing trauma requires understanding and addressing these physiological and neurological changes.

One of the main processes used to heal these wounds is psychodrama. Psychodrama focuses on a person’s real-life experiences and internal conflicts, allowing individuals to explore and express their emotions and experiences through dramatic action. While it can be used in individual therapy, psychodrama is often conducted in a group setting, where participants can act out scenes from their lives under the guidance of a trained facilitator. Put together, then, a psycho-drama is quite literally a “drama of the mind and soul.” 

In each psychodrama process, I was able to re-enact a painful experience from my past. The result of the process is that I’m able to receive closure and resolution. Technically I don’t actually change what happened in the past, but I’m able to change how I feel about what happened. This results in greater peace and freedom. 

Some of my perfectionist tendencies are the result of experiences I had as a kid, where I felt like I needed to be perfect in order to be acceptable. Of course, perfection in this life is impossible, so that created a lot of internal chaos. Working through the scenarios as an adult showed me that those expectations were unrealistic. I can approach myself with kindness and curiosity. I’m better able to give myself grace. 

by

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 118

Perfectionism and Religion

Whenever I see the topic of perfectionism show up in mainstream media, it has my attention. That’s why, when I saw an article in the Deseret News, I was particularly interested. The article Does religion lead to more or less perfectionism? discusses findings published in last month’s issue of the peer-reviewed journal BYU Studies Quarterly focusing on Latter-day Saints and perfectionism. Here are some segments I found intriguing: 

During a university meeting at the beginning of the school year, a therapist was facilitating a helpful discussion on student mental health. When toxic perfectionism came up, the facilitator mentioned in an offhanded way that we have a particular problem with this at Brigham Young University because of “the gospel.”

This statement was not much of a surprise given the seemingly common attitude that BYU students (and members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in general) struggle with perfectionism. Some have even suggested Latter-day Saints struggle more with perfectionism than those of other faiths — including a podcaster who called Latter-day Saints a “notoriously perfectionistic population.”

For a faith that accepts scriptures such as “be ye therefore perfect” (Matt. 5:48), these attitudes can seem hard to argue with. Even many members today seem to take for granted that religious people struggle more often with crippling perfectionism.

Yet at that time, there had been no research that compares the perfectionism of Latter-day Saints with that of other groups. Somewhat ironically, all the therapists and researchers who have said Latter-day Saints are higher in toxic perfectionism than others have done so in the absence of any research to substantiate the claims.

So we crunched numbers on the perfectionism from our “Family Foundations of Youth Development” study of the mental health of Latter-day Saint youth, where we’ve been following over 2,000 youth for the past six years (about half Latter-day Saint, half not).

When we looked at the initial results, it was clear the narrative we commonly hear did not fit the study data.

The most striking finding emerging in new research on perfectionism was that Latter-day Saints are less likely — not more — to experience unhealthy levels of perfectionism, compared with other groups.

Michael Goodman’s “Religion and Perfectionism” article provides the first-ever study known to examine these questions. Contrary to what some may assume, having a religious association or a belief in God tended towards lower levels of toxic perfectionism compared to those of no religion. At a statistically significant level, Latter-day Saints and those of “other religions” had lower toxic perfectionism than atheists and agnostics and former Latter-day Saints.

In addition to affiliation, religious salience (how important religion is to a person’s sense of self) was also connected to toxic perfectionism. Those with high religious salience were more than twice as likely to be low in toxic perfectionism.

Although this research may surprise the social media world, the research community should be unsurprised, since decades of research have found that religion is related to better mental health and Latter-day Saints are known for their strong religiosity.

It is not unlikely that the decline of religion in society is another reason for the rise in perfectionism.

Here are five takeaways from the report:

  • Not all perfection-seeking is the same.
  • Families really do play a significant role in how their children feel about growth, mistakes, and overall worth.
  • Toxic perfectionism really can hurt mental health.
  • One form of perfectionism, in particular, calls for healing.
  • Toxic perfectionism can push people away from God and religion participation.

I’ll let you read the whole article if you are inclined. I found it fascinating since it’s referring to people like me. Much of it resonated well with me. 

by

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 116

Healing the inner child

A few weeks ago I attended a retreat in Southern Utah, a “healing weekend” sponsored by Husband Material. I’ve attended other experiential weekends in the past and they have all benefitted me. This one was targeted at healing the inner child. My “inner child” represents the part of me that experienced childhood, including the joys, fears, wounds, and unmet needs from that time.

Many struggles in adulthood—like low self-esteem, fear of rejection, or difficulty trusting others—stem from unmet needs or emotional wounds from childhood. These might be from neglect, trauma, or even unintentional patterns passed down by caregivers.

Perfectionism can show up as a result of childhood traumas. 

The word “trauma” might seem a little extreme for what I’ve been through. When I think of someone being traumatized I usually think of a soldier who came home from the war with PTSD because he saw his buddies die. Or a child who was kidnapped and regularly abused. Or someone who was in a horrible car accident and people were killed. Those are big T traumas. 

Conversely, little t traumas could be like being teased or bullied in grade school. Or moving to a new town and being “the new kid” at a new school. Or not getting the desired attention from one’s parents. In these cases, the kid may be told to “buck up” or “just get over it.” And yet, any of these could have a big T effect on a kid. 

Besides big T and little t traumas, there are A traumas and B traumas. B stands for Bad. So these are when bad things happen—abuse, severe punishment, loss of a family member. And A stands for Absent. These are when certain things are absent in a kid’s life. For example, neglect, not receiving attunement/attachment, or being emotionally abandoned. A traumas can be as destructive as B traumas, particularly because they are more subtle and difficult to recognize.

Also, two kids may have experienced the same challenge; one would be deeply affected by it and the other wouldn’t. For example, the divorce of parents, or being adopted. Some seem to take it in stride and others are scarred for life. It’s all about the perception of the kid. 

If I don’t address these wounds, they can show up in unhealthy relationships, perfectionism, self-sabotage, or emotional reactions that feel bigger than the situation at hand. By connecting with my inner child, I can better understand where my feelings come from and treat myself with the compassion and care I might have missed as a child.

So that’s the purpose of the healing weekend. Healing allows me to show up as a more whole, secure person in relationships, free from the need to be perfect. This isn’t about pretending to be a child again; it’s about acknowledging that the experiences and emotions of my younger self still influence me. And it’s about giving my inner child the support and validation he needed but didn’t adequately receive as a child.

by

Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 114

Benefits of counseling

It was 10 years ago this month that I seriously decided to meet with a counselor. 

The world in which I grew up held a stigma toward counseling. If I weren’t able to deal with whatever life dealt me, then I was weak and incapable. Only really messed-up people needed to see a shrink. 

But I finally decided that I needed help with my perfectionistic thinking. So, since then, I’ve come to be a proponent of receiving counseling. Maybe not everyone needs it, but many could benefit from help from a qualified support person. In addition to professional counselors, this could include life coaches, social workers, mentors, sponsors, and even just a trusted friend lending a listening ear. 

I had my “main” counselor for almost 8 years. We typically met for an hour per week. Fortunately, my insurance paid for most of the cost and my copay was minimal. When I retired, I needed to find a new one, since he didn’t take my retiree insurance. I’ve been through three more, to find another one who was the right fit for me. I need to feel like the counselor has the expertise to help me, there needs to be a rapport between us, and I need to feel that he/she genuinely cares about me. 

Here are some of the ways in which counseling has benefited me. 

My counselor has helped me with perfectionism in really supportive and practical ways. First, he created a safe space where I felt comfortable opening up about my struggles. Perfectionism can be exhausting, and I sometimes feel like I have to constantly be on-task or that I’m not good enough, so it’s important that a counselor listens without judgment.

He has helped me recognize the underlying beliefs driving my perfectionism. A lot of times, perfectionists feel like their worth is tied to how well they perform, or they’re afraid of failure because it feels like a personal reflection of who they are. My counselor worked with me to challenge these beliefs and start breaking down the idea that I need to be perfect to be valuable.

Another thing my counselor has done is encourage me to set more realistic goals and expectations for myself. Instead of aiming for “perfect,” he has helped me aim for “good enough” in different areas of my life. He’d talk through what those more balanced goals might look like and how to be okay with things not going perfectly all the time.

My counselor also taught me coping skills for dealing with the stress that comes up when things don’t go as planned. For example, he showed me how to practice self-compassion—talking to myself kindly rather than beating myself up for every little mistake. He also helped me learn how to step back and take breaks, rather than pushing myself to the point of burnout.

He has helped me uncover where these perfectionist tendencies started—some in childhood, some from pressure at school and work—and then we worked on healing from that. The goal wasn’t for me to stop caring about doing things well, but to help me feel more balanced, more at peace with myself, and less driven by fear and unrealistic expectations.

I’ve appreciated that my counselor has walked alongside me as I’ve learned to let go of the need for perfection and embrace being human, with all the imperfections that come with it.