Author: Imperfect Guy

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 120

Psychodrama 

This month, I attended two events designed to help me develop my skills in facilitating psychodrama. 

The first was a weekend retreat sponsored by The Crucible Project. Here’s some more information about the organization as taken from their website:

Focus:
The Crucible Project aims to create a world where people live with integrity, grace, and courage, fulfilling their God-given purpose. 

Method:
They achieve this through transformational retreats, groups, and coaching, fostering communities where people live authentically and with integrity. 

Retreats:
These retreats are designed to challenge individuals to take a hard look at their lives, wrestle with God, and discover new truths about themselves, finding freedom to break away from self-sabotaging beliefs. 

Intense Experience:
The Crucible Weekend is an intense experience that can be emotionally, spiritually, and physically challenging. 

Radical Honesty and Grace:
The retreats emphasize radical honesty and grace, creating a space for individuals to wrestle with God and discover new truths about themselves. 

Community:
The Crucible Project fosters a community of men and women who have gone through the retreats, providing support and encouragement. 

Locations:
The Crucible Project has retreats in the United States, International locations, and Second-level Weekends. 

Vision:
Their vision is a world of men and women who live with integrity, grace, and courage. 

Mission:
Their mission is to ignite personal change in men and women through experiencing Jesus, and taking a journey of radical honesty and self-reflection.  

The retreat I attended was held in Empire, CO, about an hour west of Denver, at the Easter Seals Rocky Mountain Village facility. Most of the meetings were held in a lodge, and we stayed in cabins with other men. There were 37 participants and about that same number of staff members. (In the photo, I’m kneeling in front, second from the left.)

The second event I attended was a one-day Guts Work Facilitation Training held in Taylorsville, UT. It was held at the home of a man who was willing to host it free of charge. Eleven of us were in attendance, men who had previously participated in the Mankind Project NWTA weekend. Three were staff members, and the other eight of us were attendees. 

I’ve had a lot of talk therapy over the years with various counselors, which has been great, and I’ve needed it. However, this approach was different in that it was more experiential, somatic, and physical. It aligns well with a book I recently studied called “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk. The central premise of the book is that trauma profoundly impacts the brain and body, leading to physical and emotional dysregulation, and that healing trauma requires understanding and addressing these physiological and neurological changes.

One of the main processes used to heal these wounds is psychodrama. Psychodrama focuses on a person’s real-life experiences and internal conflicts, allowing individuals to explore and express their emotions and experiences through dramatic action. While it can be used in individual therapy, psychodrama is often conducted in a group setting, where participants can act out scenes from their lives under the guidance of a trained facilitator. Put together, then, a psycho-drama is quite literally a “drama of the mind and soul.” 

In each psychodrama process, I was able to re-enact a painful experience from my past. The result of the process is that I’m able to receive closure and resolution. Technically I don’t actually change what happened in the past, but I’m able to change how I feel about what happened. This results in greater peace and freedom. 

Some of my perfectionist tendencies are the result of experiences I had as a kid, where I felt like I needed to be perfect in order to be acceptable. Of course, perfection in this life is impossible, so that created a lot of internal chaos. Working through the scenarios as an adult showed me that those expectations were unrealistic. I can approach myself with kindness and curiosity. I’m better able to give myself grace. 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 119

C.S. Lewis on Perfection

I stumbled across a quote by C.S. Lewis that addresses perfection and how the Lord intends to perfect us. This is great!

I find a good many people have been bothered by what I said in the previous chapter about Our Lord’s words, “Be ye perfect.” Some people seem to think this means “Unless you are perfect, I will not help you”; and as we cannot be perfect, then, if He meant that, our position is hopeless. But I do not think He did mean that. I think He meant “The only help I will give is help to become perfect. You may want something less: but I will give you nothing less.”

Let me explain. When I was a child I often had toothache, and I knew that if I went to my mother she would give me something which would deaden the pain for that night and let me get to sleep. But I did not go to my mother—at least, not till the pain became very bad. And the reason I did not go was this. I did not doubt she would give me the aspirin; but I knew she would also do something else. I knew she would take me to the dentist next morning. I could not get what I wanted out of her without getting something more, which I did not want. I wanted immediate relief from pain: but I could not get it without having my teeth set permanently right. And I knew those dentists; I knew they started fiddling about with all sorts of other teeth which had not yet begun to ache. They would not let sleeping dogs lie; if you gave them an inch they took a mile.

Now, if I may put it that way, Our Lord is like the dentists. Dozens of people go to Him to be cured of some one particular sin which they are ashamed of, or which is obviously spoiling daily life (like bad temper or drunkenness). Well, He will cure it all right: but He will not stop there. That may be all you asked; but if once you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment.

That is why He warned people to “count the cost” before becoming Christians. “Make no mistake,” He says, “If you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect—until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.”

And yet—this is the other and equally important side of it—this Helper who will, in the long run, be satisfied with nothing less than absolute perfection, will also be delighted with the first feeble, stumbling effort you make tomorrow to do the simplest duty. As a great Christian writer (George MacDonald) pointed out, every father is pleased at the baby’s first attempt to walk: no father would be satisfied with anything less than a firm, free manly walk in a grown-up son…. He said, “God is easy to please, but hard to satisfy.”

The practical upshot is this. On the one hand, God’s demand for perfection need not discourage you in the least in your present attempts to be good, or even in your present failures. Each time you fall He will pick you up again. And He knows perfectly well that your own efforts are never going to bring you anywhere near perfection. On the other hand, you must realise from the outset that the goal towards which He is beginning to guide you is absolute perfection; and no power in the whole universe, except you yourself, can prevent Him from taking you to that goal. That is what you are in for. And it is very important to realise that.

Here is another way of putting the two sides of the truth. On the one hand we must never imagine that our own unaided efforts can be relied on to carry us even through the next twenty-four hours as “decent” people. If He does not support us, not one of us is safe from some gross sin. On the other hand, no possible degree of holiness or heroism which has ever been recorded of the greatest saints is beyond what He is determined to produce in every one of us in the end. The job will not be completed in this life; but He means to get us as far as possible before death. That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time.

The command Be ye perfect is not idealistic gas. Nor is it a command to do the impossible. He is going to make us into creatures that can obey that command. He said (in the Bible) that we were “gods,” and He is going to make good His words. If we let Him—for we can prevent Him, if we choose—He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though, of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and, in parts, very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. He meant what He said.

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (1952; Harper Collins: 2001)

The Lord’s work and glory is to exalt me. And He knows how to do his work.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 118

Perfectionism and Religion

Whenever I see the topic of perfectionism show up in mainstream media, it has my attention. That’s why, when I saw an article in the Deseret News, I was particularly interested. The article Does religion lead to more or less perfectionism? discusses findings published in last month’s issue of the peer-reviewed journal BYU Studies Quarterly focusing on Latter-day Saints and perfectionism. Here are some segments I found intriguing: 

During a university meeting at the beginning of the school year, a therapist was facilitating a helpful discussion on student mental health. When toxic perfectionism came up, the facilitator mentioned in an offhanded way that we have a particular problem with this at Brigham Young University because of “the gospel.”

This statement was not much of a surprise given the seemingly common attitude that BYU students (and members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in general) struggle with perfectionism. Some have even suggested Latter-day Saints struggle more with perfectionism than those of other faiths — including a podcaster who called Latter-day Saints a “notoriously perfectionistic population.”

For a faith that accepts scriptures such as “be ye therefore perfect” (Matt. 5:48), these attitudes can seem hard to argue with. Even many members today seem to take for granted that religious people struggle more often with crippling perfectionism.

Yet at that time, there had been no research that compares the perfectionism of Latter-day Saints with that of other groups. Somewhat ironically, all the therapists and researchers who have said Latter-day Saints are higher in toxic perfectionism than others have done so in the absence of any research to substantiate the claims.

So we crunched numbers on the perfectionism from our “Family Foundations of Youth Development” study of the mental health of Latter-day Saint youth, where we’ve been following over 2,000 youth for the past six years (about half Latter-day Saint, half not).

When we looked at the initial results, it was clear the narrative we commonly hear did not fit the study data.

The most striking finding emerging in new research on perfectionism was that Latter-day Saints are less likely — not more — to experience unhealthy levels of perfectionism, compared with other groups.

Michael Goodman’s “Religion and Perfectionism” article provides the first-ever study known to examine these questions. Contrary to what some may assume, having a religious association or a belief in God tended towards lower levels of toxic perfectionism compared to those of no religion. At a statistically significant level, Latter-day Saints and those of “other religions” had lower toxic perfectionism than atheists and agnostics and former Latter-day Saints.

In addition to affiliation, religious salience (how important religion is to a person’s sense of self) was also connected to toxic perfectionism. Those with high religious salience were more than twice as likely to be low in toxic perfectionism.

Although this research may surprise the social media world, the research community should be unsurprised, since decades of research have found that religion is related to better mental health and Latter-day Saints are known for their strong religiosity.

It is not unlikely that the decline of religion in society is another reason for the rise in perfectionism.

Here are five takeaways from the report:

  • Not all perfection-seeking is the same.
  • Families really do play a significant role in how their children feel about growth, mistakes, and overall worth.
  • Toxic perfectionism really can hurt mental health.
  • One form of perfectionism, in particular, calls for healing.
  • Toxic perfectionism can push people away from God and religion participation.

I’ll let you read the whole article if you are inclined. I found it fascinating since it’s referring to people like me. Much of it resonated well with me. 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 117

A New Year’s Theme

As I look at setting New Year’s resolutions, which is my MO at this time of year, I typically like to choose a word or phrase as a theme for the coming year. I haven’t settled on this one for sure, but I’m leaning toward “be still.” 

One of my favorite talks from this past October General Conference is the one by Elder L Todd Budge. 

It is interesting to note that the Japanese word for “busy,” isogashii, is made up of a character with two symbols (忙). The one on the left means “heart” or “spirit,” and the one on the right means “death”—suggesting perhaps, that being too busy to nourish our spirits can lead us to die spiritually.

The Lord knew—in this fast-paced world full of distractions and in commotion—that making quality time for Him would be one of the major challenges of our day.

President David O. McKay said: “I think we pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion. Meditation is one of the most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord.”

There is a word in Japanese, mui, that, for me, captures this more faith-filled, contemplative sense of what it means to be still. It is comprised of two characters (無為). The one on the left means “nothing” or “nothingness,” and the one on the right means “to do.” Together they mean “non-doing.” Taken literally, the word could be misinterpreted to mean “to do nothing” in the same way “to be still” can be misinterpreted as “not talking or moving.” However, like the phrase “to be still,” it has a higher meaning; for me it is a reminder to slow down and to live with greater spiritual awareness.

God desires that we approach our time with Him with the same kind of heartfelt devotion. When we do so, our worship becomes an expression of our love for Him.

When our focus is less on doing and more on strengthening our covenant connection with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, these sacred moments will be enriched, and we will receive the guidance needed in our personal lives. We, like Martha in the account in Luke, are often “careful and troubled about many things.” However, as we commune with the Lord each day, He will help us to know that which is most needful.

Even the Savior took time from His ministry to be still. The scriptures are replete with examples of the Lord retreating to a solitary place—a mountain, the wilderness, a desert place, or going “a little way off”—to pray to the Father. If Jesus Christ sought quiet time to commune with God and to be strengthened by Him, it would be wise for us to do the same.

As we concentrate our hearts and minds on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and listen to the still, small voice of the Holy Ghost, we will have greater clarity about what is most needful, develop deeper compassion, and find rest and strength in Him.

I’m grateful that I’m retired and have a little more time to pull back from the daily grind and find peace and calm. It’s nice to not feel the expectation of constantly needing to “get it right” but rather, breathe in the stillness. 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 116

Healing the inner child

A few weeks ago I attended a retreat in Southern Utah, a “healing weekend” sponsored by Husband Material. I’ve attended other experiential weekends in the past and they have all benefitted me. This one was targeted at healing the inner child. My “inner child” represents the part of me that experienced childhood, including the joys, fears, wounds, and unmet needs from that time.

Many struggles in adulthood—like low self-esteem, fear of rejection, or difficulty trusting others—stem from unmet needs or emotional wounds from childhood. These might be from neglect, trauma, or even unintentional patterns passed down by caregivers.

Perfectionism can show up as a result of childhood traumas. 

The word “trauma” might seem a little extreme for what I’ve been through. When I think of someone being traumatized I usually think of a soldier who came home from the war with PTSD because he saw his buddies die. Or a child who was kidnapped and regularly abused. Or someone who was in a horrible car accident and people were killed. Those are big T traumas. 

Conversely, little t traumas could be like being teased or bullied in grade school. Or moving to a new town and being “the new kid” at a new school. Or not getting the desired attention from one’s parents. In these cases, the kid may be told to “buck up” or “just get over it.” And yet, any of these could have a big T effect on a kid. 

Besides big T and little t traumas, there are A traumas and B traumas. B stands for Bad. So these are when bad things happen—abuse, severe punishment, loss of a family member. And A stands for Absent. These are when certain things are absent in a kid’s life. For example, neglect, not receiving attunement/attachment, or being emotionally abandoned. A traumas can be as destructive as B traumas, particularly because they are more subtle and difficult to recognize.

Also, two kids may have experienced the same challenge; one would be deeply affected by it and the other wouldn’t. For example, the divorce of parents, or being adopted. Some seem to take it in stride and others are scarred for life. It’s all about the perception of the kid. 

If I don’t address these wounds, they can show up in unhealthy relationships, perfectionism, self-sabotage, or emotional reactions that feel bigger than the situation at hand. By connecting with my inner child, I can better understand where my feelings come from and treat myself with the compassion and care I might have missed as a child.

So that’s the purpose of the healing weekend. Healing allows me to show up as a more whole, secure person in relationships, free from the need to be perfect. This isn’t about pretending to be a child again; it’s about acknowledging that the experiences and emotions of my younger self still influence me. And it’s about giving my inner child the support and validation he needed but didn’t adequately receive as a child.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 115

Feeling God’s Love

When I watch General Conference, I listen for specific guidance for those of us who struggle to feel God’s love. Elder Hirst’s talk stood out to me. Let me share some of my favorite parts. 

Perhaps you feel a long way from the love of God. Maybe there is a chorus of voices of discouragement and darkness that weighs into your thoughts, messages telling you that you are too wounded and confused, too weak and overlooked, too different or disoriented to warrant heavenly love in any real way. If you hear those ideas, then please hear this: those voices are just wrong. We can confidently disregard brokenness in any way disqualifying us from heavenly love—every time we sing the hymn that reminds us that our beloved and flawless Saviour chose to be “bruised, broken, [and] torn for us,” every time we take broken bread. Surely Jesus removes all shame from the broken. Through His brokenness, He became perfect, and He can make us perfect in spite of our brokenness. Broken, lonely, torn, and bruised He was—and we may feel we are—but separated from the love of God we are not. 

You might know something secret about yourself that makes you feel unlovable. However right you might be about what you know about yourself, you are wrong to think that you have put yourself beyond the reach of God’s love. We are sometimes cruel and impatient toward ourselves in ways that we could never imagine being toward anyone else. There is much for us to do in this life, but self-loathing and shameful self-condemnation are not on that list. However misshapen we might feel we are, His arms are not shortened. No. They are always long enough to “[reach our] reaching” and embrace each one of us.

When we don’t feel the warmth of divine love, it hasn’t gone away. God’s own words are that “the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but [His] kindness shall not depart from [us].” So, just to be clear, the idea that God has stopped loving should be so far down the list of possible explanations in life that we don’t get to it until after the mountains have left and the hills are gone!

So if God’s love does not leave us, why don’t we always feel it? Just to manage your expectations: I don’t know. But being loved is definitely not the same as feeling loved, and I have a few thoughts that might help you as you pursue your answers to that question.

Perhaps you are wrestling with grief, depression, betrayal, loneliness, disappointment, or other powerful intrusion into your ability to feel God’s love for you. If so, these things can dull or suspend our ability to feel as we might otherwise feel. For a season at least, perhaps you will not be able to feel His love, and knowledge will have to suffice. But I wonder if you could experiment—patiently—with different ways of expressing and receiving divine love. Can you take a step back from whatever is in front of you and maybe another step and another, until you see a wider landscape, wider and wider still if necessary, until you are literally “thinking celestial” because you are looking at the stars and remembering worlds without number and through them their Creator?

I wonder, if Jesus were to choose a place where you and He could meet, a private place where you would be able to have a singular focus on Him, might He choose your unique place of personal suffering, the place of your deepest need, where no one else can go? Somewhere you feel so lonely that you must truly be all alone but you aren’t quite, a place to which perhaps only He has travelled but actually has already prepared to meet you there when you arrive? If you are waiting for Him to come, might He already be there and within reach?

Being filled with God’s love shields us in life’s storms but also makes the happy moments happier—our joyful days, when there is sunshine in the sky, are made even brighter by the sunshine in our souls.

Let’s become “rooted and grounded” in our Jesus and in His love. Let’s look for and treasure experiences of feeling His love and power in our lives. The joy of the gospel is available to all: not just the happy, not just the downcast. Joy is our purpose, not the gift of our circumstances. We have every good reason to “rejoice and be filled with love towards God and all men.” 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 114

Benefits of counseling

It was 10 years ago this month that I seriously decided to meet with a counselor. 

The world in which I grew up held a stigma toward counseling. If I weren’t able to deal with whatever life dealt me, then I was weak and incapable. Only really messed-up people needed to see a shrink. 

But I finally decided that I needed help with my perfectionistic thinking. So, since then, I’ve come to be a proponent of receiving counseling. Maybe not everyone needs it, but many could benefit from help from a qualified support person. In addition to professional counselors, this could include life coaches, social workers, mentors, sponsors, and even just a trusted friend lending a listening ear. 

I had my “main” counselor for almost 8 years. We typically met for an hour per week. Fortunately, my insurance paid for most of the cost and my copay was minimal. When I retired, I needed to find a new one, since he didn’t take my retiree insurance. I’ve been through three more, to find another one who was the right fit for me. I need to feel like the counselor has the expertise to help me, there needs to be a rapport between us, and I need to feel that he/she genuinely cares about me. 

Here are some of the ways in which counseling has benefited me. 

My counselor has helped me with perfectionism in really supportive and practical ways. First, he created a safe space where I felt comfortable opening up about my struggles. Perfectionism can be exhausting, and I sometimes feel like I have to constantly be on-task or that I’m not good enough, so it’s important that a counselor listens without judgment.

He has helped me recognize the underlying beliefs driving my perfectionism. A lot of times, perfectionists feel like their worth is tied to how well they perform, or they’re afraid of failure because it feels like a personal reflection of who they are. My counselor worked with me to challenge these beliefs and start breaking down the idea that I need to be perfect to be valuable.

Another thing my counselor has done is encourage me to set more realistic goals and expectations for myself. Instead of aiming for “perfect,” he has helped me aim for “good enough” in different areas of my life. He’d talk through what those more balanced goals might look like and how to be okay with things not going perfectly all the time.

My counselor also taught me coping skills for dealing with the stress that comes up when things don’t go as planned. For example, he showed me how to practice self-compassion—talking to myself kindly rather than beating myself up for every little mistake. He also helped me learn how to step back and take breaks, rather than pushing myself to the point of burnout.

He has helped me uncover where these perfectionist tendencies started—some in childhood, some from pressure at school and work—and then we worked on healing from that. The goal wasn’t for me to stop caring about doing things well, but to help me feel more balanced, more at peace with myself, and less driven by fear and unrealistic expectations.

I’ve appreciated that my counselor has walked alongside me as I’ve learned to let go of the need for perfection and embrace being human, with all the imperfections that come with it.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 113

What’s your attachment style?

I recently took a test to see whether I have a secure or insecure attachment style. It turns out that I have an insecure attachment style. 

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that early relationships with caregivers shape how individuals perceive themselves and interact with others throughout life. 

Here’s how insecure attachment styles—specifically anxious and avoidant attachments—can lead to perfectionism:

Anxious attachment, also known as preoccupied attachment, is characterized by a strong fear of abandonment and an excessive need for approval and reassurance. Individuals with this attachment style often feel insecure about their worth and fear rejection. This insecurity can lead to perfectionism.

• Desire for Approval: Individuals with anxious attachment often believe they must be perfect to be loved or accepted. They may strive to meet excessively high standards, hoping to gain approval, validation, and avoid rejection. Their self-worth becomes tied to external validation, making them prone to perfectionist behaviors.

• Fear of Abandonment: The constant fear of being abandoned can drive individuals to avoid mistakes at all costs. They may think that any error could lead to being judged or rejected, so they strive for flawlessness in their actions, thoughts, and appearance.

• Over-Responsibility: Anxiously attached individuals might feel overly responsible for the happiness of others. They might engage in perfectionist behavior to try and control outcomes, believing that if they do everything perfectly, they can prevent negative outcomes and maintain relationships.

Avoidant attachment, or dismissive-avoidant attachment, is marked by a tendency to downplay the importance of relationships, maintain emotional distance, and rely heavily on self-sufficiency. Despite their appearance of independence, avoidant individuals also experience insecurity, which can manifest in perfectionism.

• Need for Control: Avoidant individuals often strive to maintain control over their environment and emotions to prevent vulnerability. Perfectionism can be a coping mechanism to control outcomes and avoid feeling dependent on others or exposed emotionally.

• Fear of Criticism and Judgment: Avoidant individuals may fear being criticized or judged because it threatens their self-image of competence and independence. They may strive for perfection to avoid situations where their flaws could be exposed, which could make them feel vulnerable or inadequate.

• Emotional Distancing: By focusing on perfection in work, hobbies, or personal appearance, avoidant individuals can distract themselves from emotional discomfort or intimacy issues. Perfectionism can become a way to keep others at a distance, avoiding the need for deep emotional connections that might be uncomfortable.

Insecure attachment styles create a fundamental sense of uncertainty about one’s worth and relationships. This insecurity can lead to perfectionism as a way to cope.

• Coping with Low Self-Esteem: Insecure attachment often results in low self-esteem. Individuals may turn to perfectionism, believing that if they can achieve perfect standards, they will finally feel good about themselves and be worthy of love and respect.

• Managing Anxiety: Both anxious and avoidant attached individuals may experience high levels of anxiety about relationships and self-worth. Perfectionism can serve as a way to manage this anxiety by providing a sense of control and predictability.

• Avoiding Emotional Pain: By focusing on perfection, individuals can distract themselves from underlying emotional pain and the fear of inadequacy. It becomes a way to avoid facing deeper issues related to their attachment style.

An insecure attachment style can lead me to seek security and validation in maladaptive ways. Perfectionism can become a strategy to cope with the fears, insecurities, and unmet needs stemming from these early attachment experiences. While striving for excellence and improvement is healthy, when driven by deep-seated insecurities, it can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and dissatisfaction. Understanding the roots of perfectionism in attachment can help me develop healthier ways to seek fulfillment, connection, and self-acceptance.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 112

Urgent vs. Important

As a teenager attending Dixie High School in St. George, UT, I played trombone in the marching band. A few times each year, we would march in parades that started going east on Main Street and later turned and came back west on Tabernacle Street. Our band director was a stickler for dressing appropriately. We wore the band uniforms and each of us had to buy our own white sneakers. 

One time when we were marching in a homecoming parade, trombones leading the band, I looked down and saw that the shoelace on my right shoe had come untied. The shoe was becoming looser on my foot. I knew that at some point I would need to stop, step out of line, and tie the shoelace. Otherwise, I would lose the shoe. 

As we marched along, I began thinking about when and where might be a good place to step out. I watched for places where fewer spectators were along the route. I also wanted to choose a time when we were not playing a tune or doing a formation or maneuver. 

It took my attention away from doing my job as a member of the marching band. It was difficult to concentrate on marching and also plan where to stop. 

Since then, I have used this dilemma as a metaphor. When I have something important that needs to be done, yet there hasn’t been a convenient time to do it, it’s always there at the back of my mind. “It feels like my shoelace is untied.” 

For a perfectionist, this creates angst. I have a checklist mentality and not being able to check everything off feels unsettling. It also messes with my ability to distinguish between what is urgent and what is important. 

In a 1954 speech, President Dwight D. Eisenhower said, “I have two kinds of problems, the urgent and the important. The urgent are not important, and the important are never urgent.” 

The Eisenhower Matrix, also known as the Urgent-Important Matrix, is a time management and decision-making method to help effectively prioritize tasks. The framework categorizes your tasks into four quadrants based on their urgency and importance:

I. Important and urgent
Tasks that have high importance and need immediate attention.
• Answer urgent emails
• Medical emergencies
• Projects with deadlines
• Crises and catastrophes
                       
II. Important, but not urgent
Tasks that don’t have a deadline but move you closer to your goals.
• Long-term planning
• Personal improvement
• Relationship building
• Values clarification
                       
III. Not important, but urgent
Tasks that need to get done but don’t need your expertise. 
• Busy work
• Meal prep
• Interruptions
• Plan staff picnic
                       
IV. Not important and not urgent
Tasks that don’t add value and can distract you from your goals. 
• Binge on social media
• Video games
• Infuriating political news
• Sort your junk mail

Stephen R. Covey, popularized the Eisenhower Matrix, showing how it can help in achieving personal and professional effectiveness. He stressed that the key to time management isn’t about doing more, but rather deciding where your time is best spent.

How might a perfectionist struggle with approaching tasks in these four quadrants? 

Quadrant I: Perfectionists may struggle with tasks in this quadrant because the urgency can increase their fear of making mistakes. They might spend a lot of time perfecting details, which can lead to stress and burnout.

Quadrant II: Perfectionists may procrastinate on starting these tasks due to the desire to perform them flawlessly.

Quadrant III: Perfectionists may find it difficult to delegate or ignore tasks in this quadrant, even though they do not contribute significantly to long-term goals. They might feel compelled to handle these tasks personally to ensure they are done correctly.

Quadrant IV: Perfectionists might get caught up in these tasks as a form of procrastination or because they feel guilty about leaving any task undone.

By becoming aware of these potential pitfalls, I can hopefully avoid them and put my efforts toward becoming more effective. 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 111

Embrace all truth

The older I get, the more I realize that there is a lot of information out there that is good and true. (Yes, there is also a lot that is bad and false, but stay with me here.) I used to think that if a concept wasn’t spoken over the pulpit at General Conference, then we couldn’t accept it as true. That was absolute thinking. I hope I have a healthier approach now. 

President Nelson taught:

“All truth is part of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Whether truth comes from a scientific laboratory or by revelation from the Lord, it is compatible. All truth is part of the everlasting gospel. Research and education become religious responsibilities for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for we know that “the glory of God is intelligence.” And our perspective is enlarged by knowing that “whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection.” Meanwhile, there will always be more to learn, especially when studying topics that relate to the Creation, physiology, and the laws of life. Why? Because life comes from God. There will always be a gap between what He knows and what we now know. He has revealed the following promise, which may bring comfort to those who cannot find answers to all of their questions at this point in time. He said: “Yea, verily I say unto you, in that day when the Lord shall come, he shall reveal all things—Things which have passed, and hidden things which no man knew, things of the earth, by which it was made, and the purpose and the end thereof—Things most precious, things that are above, and things that are beneath, things that are in the earth, and upon the earth, and in heaven.” (The Tie Between Science and Religion)

Joseph Smith taught:

“Mormonism is truth; and every man who embraces it feels himself at liberty to embrace every truth: consequently the shackles of superstition, bigotry, ignorance, and priestcraft, fall at once from his neck; and his eyes are opened to see the truth, and truth greatly prevails over priestcraft. … Mormonism is truth, in other words the doctrine of the Latter-day Saints, is truth. … The first and fundamental principle of our holy religion is, that we believe that we have a right to embrace all, and every item of truth, without limitation or without being circumscribed or prohibited by the creeds or superstitious notions of men, or by the dominations of one another, when that truth is clearly demonstrated to our minds, and we have the highest degree of evidence of the same.” (Teaching of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith) 

Brigham Young taught:

“We believe in all good. If you can find a truth in heaven, earth or hell, it belongs to our doctrine. We believe it; it is ours; we claim it. [The gospel] embraces all morality, all virtue, all light, all intelligence, all greatness, and all goodness. Such a plan incorporates every system of true doctrine on the earth, whether it be ecclesiastical, moral, philosophical, or civil; it incorporates all good laws that have been made from the days of Adam until now; it swallows up the laws of nations, for it exceeds them all in knowledge and purity, it circumscribes the doctrines of the day, and takes from the right and the left, and brings all truth together in one system. It is our duty and calling, as ministers of the same salvation and Gospel, to gather every item of truth and reject every error. All knowledge and wisdom and every good that the heart of man can desire is within the circuit and circle of the faith we have embraced.” (Teaching of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young) 

I am encouraged to learn by study and also by faith. I can embrace truth, wherever I find it. May I have the spirit of discernment to distinguish between truth and error.