Author: Imperfect Guy

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 115

Feeling God’s Love

When I watch General Conference, I listen for specific guidance for those of us who struggle to feel God’s love. Elder Hirst’s talk stood out to me. Let me share some of my favorite parts. 

Perhaps you feel a long way from the love of God. Maybe there is a chorus of voices of discouragement and darkness that weighs into your thoughts, messages telling you that you are too wounded and confused, too weak and overlooked, too different or disoriented to warrant heavenly love in any real way. If you hear those ideas, then please hear this: those voices are just wrong. We can confidently disregard brokenness in any way disqualifying us from heavenly love—every time we sing the hymn that reminds us that our beloved and flawless Saviour chose to be “bruised, broken, [and] torn for us,” every time we take broken bread. Surely Jesus removes all shame from the broken. Through His brokenness, He became perfect, and He can make us perfect in spite of our brokenness. Broken, lonely, torn, and bruised He was—and we may feel we are—but separated from the love of God we are not. 

You might know something secret about yourself that makes you feel unlovable. However right you might be about what you know about yourself, you are wrong to think that you have put yourself beyond the reach of God’s love. We are sometimes cruel and impatient toward ourselves in ways that we could never imagine being toward anyone else. There is much for us to do in this life, but self-loathing and shameful self-condemnation are not on that list. However misshapen we might feel we are, His arms are not shortened. No. They are always long enough to “[reach our] reaching” and embrace each one of us.

When we don’t feel the warmth of divine love, it hasn’t gone away. God’s own words are that “the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but [His] kindness shall not depart from [us].” So, just to be clear, the idea that God has stopped loving should be so far down the list of possible explanations in life that we don’t get to it until after the mountains have left and the hills are gone!

So if God’s love does not leave us, why don’t we always feel it? Just to manage your expectations: I don’t know. But being loved is definitely not the same as feeling loved, and I have a few thoughts that might help you as you pursue your answers to that question.

Perhaps you are wrestling with grief, depression, betrayal, loneliness, disappointment, or other powerful intrusion into your ability to feel God’s love for you. If so, these things can dull or suspend our ability to feel as we might otherwise feel. For a season at least, perhaps you will not be able to feel His love, and knowledge will have to suffice. But I wonder if you could experiment—patiently—with different ways of expressing and receiving divine love. Can you take a step back from whatever is in front of you and maybe another step and another, until you see a wider landscape, wider and wider still if necessary, until you are literally “thinking celestial” because you are looking at the stars and remembering worlds without number and through them their Creator?

I wonder, if Jesus were to choose a place where you and He could meet, a private place where you would be able to have a singular focus on Him, might He choose your unique place of personal suffering, the place of your deepest need, where no one else can go? Somewhere you feel so lonely that you must truly be all alone but you aren’t quite, a place to which perhaps only He has travelled but actually has already prepared to meet you there when you arrive? If you are waiting for Him to come, might He already be there and within reach?

Being filled with God’s love shields us in life’s storms but also makes the happy moments happier—our joyful days, when there is sunshine in the sky, are made even brighter by the sunshine in our souls.

Let’s become “rooted and grounded” in our Jesus and in His love. Let’s look for and treasure experiences of feeling His love and power in our lives. The joy of the gospel is available to all: not just the happy, not just the downcast. Joy is our purpose, not the gift of our circumstances. We have every good reason to “rejoice and be filled with love towards God and all men.” 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 114

Benefits of counseling

It was 10 years ago this month that I seriously decided to meet with a counselor. 

The world in which I grew up held a stigma toward counseling. If I weren’t able to deal with whatever life dealt me, then I was weak and incapable. Only really messed-up people needed to see a shrink. 

But I finally decided that I needed help with my perfectionistic thinking. So, since then, I’ve come to be a proponent of receiving counseling. Maybe not everyone needs it, but many could benefit from help from a qualified support person. In addition to professional counselors, this could include life coaches, social workers, mentors, sponsors, and even just a trusted friend lending a listening ear. 

I had my “main” counselor for almost 8 years. We typically met for an hour per week. Fortunately, my insurance paid for most of the cost and my copay was minimal. When I retired, I needed to find a new one, since he didn’t take my retiree insurance. I’ve been through three more, to find another one who was the right fit for me. I need to feel like the counselor has the expertise to help me, there needs to be a rapport between us, and I need to feel that he/she genuinely cares about me. 

Here are some of the ways in which counseling has benefited me. 

My counselor has helped me with perfectionism in really supportive and practical ways. First, he created a safe space where I felt comfortable opening up about my struggles. Perfectionism can be exhausting, and I sometimes feel like I have to constantly be on-task or that I’m not good enough, so it’s important that a counselor listens without judgment.

He has helped me recognize the underlying beliefs driving my perfectionism. A lot of times, perfectionists feel like their worth is tied to how well they perform, or they’re afraid of failure because it feels like a personal reflection of who they are. My counselor worked with me to challenge these beliefs and start breaking down the idea that I need to be perfect to be valuable.

Another thing my counselor has done is encourage me to set more realistic goals and expectations for myself. Instead of aiming for “perfect,” he has helped me aim for “good enough” in different areas of my life. He’d talk through what those more balanced goals might look like and how to be okay with things not going perfectly all the time.

My counselor also taught me coping skills for dealing with the stress that comes up when things don’t go as planned. For example, he showed me how to practice self-compassion—talking to myself kindly rather than beating myself up for every little mistake. He also helped me learn how to step back and take breaks, rather than pushing myself to the point of burnout.

He has helped me uncover where these perfectionist tendencies started—some in childhood, some from pressure at school and work—and then we worked on healing from that. The goal wasn’t for me to stop caring about doing things well, but to help me feel more balanced, more at peace with myself, and less driven by fear and unrealistic expectations.

I’ve appreciated that my counselor has walked alongside me as I’ve learned to let go of the need for perfection and embrace being human, with all the imperfections that come with it.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 113

What’s your attachment style?

I recently took a test to see whether I have a secure or insecure attachment style. It turns out that I have an insecure attachment style. 

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that early relationships with caregivers shape how individuals perceive themselves and interact with others throughout life. 

Here’s how insecure attachment styles—specifically anxious and avoidant attachments—can lead to perfectionism:

Anxious attachment, also known as preoccupied attachment, is characterized by a strong fear of abandonment and an excessive need for approval and reassurance. Individuals with this attachment style often feel insecure about their worth and fear rejection. This insecurity can lead to perfectionism.

• Desire for Approval: Individuals with anxious attachment often believe they must be perfect to be loved or accepted. They may strive to meet excessively high standards, hoping to gain approval, validation, and avoid rejection. Their self-worth becomes tied to external validation, making them prone to perfectionist behaviors.

• Fear of Abandonment: The constant fear of being abandoned can drive individuals to avoid mistakes at all costs. They may think that any error could lead to being judged or rejected, so they strive for flawlessness in their actions, thoughts, and appearance.

• Over-Responsibility: Anxiously attached individuals might feel overly responsible for the happiness of others. They might engage in perfectionist behavior to try and control outcomes, believing that if they do everything perfectly, they can prevent negative outcomes and maintain relationships.

Avoidant attachment, or dismissive-avoidant attachment, is marked by a tendency to downplay the importance of relationships, maintain emotional distance, and rely heavily on self-sufficiency. Despite their appearance of independence, avoidant individuals also experience insecurity, which can manifest in perfectionism.

• Need for Control: Avoidant individuals often strive to maintain control over their environment and emotions to prevent vulnerability. Perfectionism can be a coping mechanism to control outcomes and avoid feeling dependent on others or exposed emotionally.

• Fear of Criticism and Judgment: Avoidant individuals may fear being criticized or judged because it threatens their self-image of competence and independence. They may strive for perfection to avoid situations where their flaws could be exposed, which could make them feel vulnerable or inadequate.

• Emotional Distancing: By focusing on perfection in work, hobbies, or personal appearance, avoidant individuals can distract themselves from emotional discomfort or intimacy issues. Perfectionism can become a way to keep others at a distance, avoiding the need for deep emotional connections that might be uncomfortable.

Insecure attachment styles create a fundamental sense of uncertainty about one’s worth and relationships. This insecurity can lead to perfectionism as a way to cope.

• Coping with Low Self-Esteem: Insecure attachment often results in low self-esteem. Individuals may turn to perfectionism, believing that if they can achieve perfect standards, they will finally feel good about themselves and be worthy of love and respect.

• Managing Anxiety: Both anxious and avoidant attached individuals may experience high levels of anxiety about relationships and self-worth. Perfectionism can serve as a way to manage this anxiety by providing a sense of control and predictability.

• Avoiding Emotional Pain: By focusing on perfection, individuals can distract themselves from underlying emotional pain and the fear of inadequacy. It becomes a way to avoid facing deeper issues related to their attachment style.

An insecure attachment style can lead me to seek security and validation in maladaptive ways. Perfectionism can become a strategy to cope with the fears, insecurities, and unmet needs stemming from these early attachment experiences. While striving for excellence and improvement is healthy, when driven by deep-seated insecurities, it can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and dissatisfaction. Understanding the roots of perfectionism in attachment can help me develop healthier ways to seek fulfillment, connection, and self-acceptance.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 112

Urgent vs. Important

As a teenager attending Dixie High School in St. George, UT, I played trombone in the marching band. A few times each year, we would march in parades that started going east on Main Street and later turned and came back west on Tabernacle Street. Our band director was a stickler for dressing appropriately. We wore the band uniforms and each of us had to buy our own white sneakers. 

One time when we were marching in a homecoming parade, trombones leading the band, I looked down and saw that the shoelace on my right shoe had come untied. The shoe was becoming looser on my foot. I knew that at some point I would need to stop, step out of line, and tie the shoelace. Otherwise, I would lose the shoe. 

As we marched along, I began thinking about when and where might be a good place to step out. I watched for places where fewer spectators were along the route. I also wanted to choose a time when we were not playing a tune or doing a formation or maneuver. 

It took my attention away from doing my job as a member of the marching band. It was difficult to concentrate on marching and also plan where to stop. 

Since then, I have used this dilemma as a metaphor. When I have something important that needs to be done, yet there hasn’t been a convenient time to do it, it’s always there at the back of my mind. “It feels like my shoelace is untied.” 

For a perfectionist, this creates angst. I have a checklist mentality and not being able to check everything off feels unsettling. It also messes with my ability to distinguish between what is urgent and what is important. 

In a 1954 speech, President Dwight D. Eisenhower said, “I have two kinds of problems, the urgent and the important. The urgent are not important, and the important are never urgent.” 

The Eisenhower Matrix, also known as the Urgent-Important Matrix, is a time management and decision-making method to help effectively prioritize tasks. The framework categorizes your tasks into four quadrants based on their urgency and importance:

I. Important and urgent
Tasks that have high importance and need immediate attention.
• Answer urgent emails
• Medical emergencies
• Projects with deadlines
• Crises and catastrophes
                       
II. Important, but not urgent
Tasks that don’t have a deadline but move you closer to your goals.
• Long-term planning
• Personal improvement
• Relationship building
• Values clarification
                       
III. Not important, but urgent
Tasks that need to get done but don’t need your expertise. 
• Busy work
• Meal prep
• Interruptions
• Plan staff picnic
                       
IV. Not important and not urgent
Tasks that don’t add value and can distract you from your goals. 
• Binge on social media
• Video games
• Infuriating political news
• Sort your junk mail

Stephen R. Covey, popularized the Eisenhower Matrix, showing how it can help in achieving personal and professional effectiveness. He stressed that the key to time management isn’t about doing more, but rather deciding where your time is best spent.

How might a perfectionist struggle with approaching tasks in these four quadrants? 

Quadrant I: Perfectionists may struggle with tasks in this quadrant because the urgency can increase their fear of making mistakes. They might spend a lot of time perfecting details, which can lead to stress and burnout.

Quadrant II: Perfectionists may procrastinate on starting these tasks due to the desire to perform them flawlessly.

Quadrant III: Perfectionists may find it difficult to delegate or ignore tasks in this quadrant, even though they do not contribute significantly to long-term goals. They might feel compelled to handle these tasks personally to ensure they are done correctly.

Quadrant IV: Perfectionists might get caught up in these tasks as a form of procrastination or because they feel guilty about leaving any task undone.

By becoming aware of these potential pitfalls, I can hopefully avoid them and put my efforts toward becoming more effective. 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 111

Embrace all truth

The older I get, the more I realize that there is a lot of information out there that is good and true. (Yes, there is also a lot that is bad and false, but stay with me here.) I used to think that if a concept wasn’t spoken over the pulpit at General Conference, then we couldn’t accept it as true. That was absolute thinking. I hope I have a healthier approach now. 

President Nelson taught:

“All truth is part of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Whether truth comes from a scientific laboratory or by revelation from the Lord, it is compatible. All truth is part of the everlasting gospel. Research and education become religious responsibilities for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for we know that “the glory of God is intelligence.” And our perspective is enlarged by knowing that “whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection.” Meanwhile, there will always be more to learn, especially when studying topics that relate to the Creation, physiology, and the laws of life. Why? Because life comes from God. There will always be a gap between what He knows and what we now know. He has revealed the following promise, which may bring comfort to those who cannot find answers to all of their questions at this point in time. He said: “Yea, verily I say unto you, in that day when the Lord shall come, he shall reveal all things—Things which have passed, and hidden things which no man knew, things of the earth, by which it was made, and the purpose and the end thereof—Things most precious, things that are above, and things that are beneath, things that are in the earth, and upon the earth, and in heaven.” (The Tie Between Science and Religion)

Joseph Smith taught:

“Mormonism is truth; and every man who embraces it feels himself at liberty to embrace every truth: consequently the shackles of superstition, bigotry, ignorance, and priestcraft, fall at once from his neck; and his eyes are opened to see the truth, and truth greatly prevails over priestcraft. … Mormonism is truth, in other words the doctrine of the Latter-day Saints, is truth. … The first and fundamental principle of our holy religion is, that we believe that we have a right to embrace all, and every item of truth, without limitation or without being circumscribed or prohibited by the creeds or superstitious notions of men, or by the dominations of one another, when that truth is clearly demonstrated to our minds, and we have the highest degree of evidence of the same.” (Teaching of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith) 

Brigham Young taught:

“We believe in all good. If you can find a truth in heaven, earth or hell, it belongs to our doctrine. We believe it; it is ours; we claim it. [The gospel] embraces all morality, all virtue, all light, all intelligence, all greatness, and all goodness. Such a plan incorporates every system of true doctrine on the earth, whether it be ecclesiastical, moral, philosophical, or civil; it incorporates all good laws that have been made from the days of Adam until now; it swallows up the laws of nations, for it exceeds them all in knowledge and purity, it circumscribes the doctrines of the day, and takes from the right and the left, and brings all truth together in one system. It is our duty and calling, as ministers of the same salvation and Gospel, to gather every item of truth and reject every error. All knowledge and wisdom and every good that the heart of man can desire is within the circuit and circle of the faith we have embraced.” (Teaching of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young) 

I am encouraged to learn by study and also by faith. I can embrace truth, wherever I find it. May I have the spirit of discernment to distinguish between truth and error. 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 110

Rays of Light

Perfectionists are often inclined to expect unreasonable things from ourselves. When I get inspiration, it’s not enough to experience a still small voice; I want clanging bells and flashing lights, thunder and lightning. Otherwise, I’m inadequate. Elder Dushku addressed this issue in his General Conference talk last month: 

Sometimes faithful Church members become discouraged and even drift away because they haven’t had overwhelming spiritual experiences—because they haven’t experienced their own pillar of light. President Spencer W. Kimball warned, “Always expecting the spectacular, many will miss entirely the constant flow of revealed communication.”

President Joseph F. Smith likewise recalled, “The Lord withheld marvels from me [when I was young], and showed me the truth, line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little.”

That is the Lord’s typical pattern, brothers and sisters. Rather than sending us a pillar of light, the Lord sends us a ray of light, and then another, and another.

Those rays of light are continuously being poured down upon us. The scriptures teach that Jesus Christ “is the light and … life of the world,” that His “Spirit giveth light to every man [and woman] that cometh into the world,” and that His light “fill[s] the immensity of space,” giving “life to all things.” The Light of Christ is literally all around us.

If we have received the gift of the Holy Ghost and are striving to exercise faith, repent, and honor our covenants, then we are worthy to receive these divine rays constantly. In Elder David A. Bednar’s memorable phrase, “we are ‘living in revelation.’”

So then, it’s unrealistic to expect singular Alma-like or Saul-like visions or visitations. Rather, ray upon ray, inspiration will come to enlighten me throughout my journey. 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 109

God’s Intent Is to Bring You Home

During General Conference, I listen to see who addresses anything pertaining to perfectionism. This time, I chose Elder Kearon’s talk because of the hope it gives for removing barriers to returning to God. It also shows how much God wants us back with Him. I pulled several paragraphs straight from his address: 

My friends, my fellow disciples on the road of mortal life, our Father’s beautiful plan, even His “fabulous” plan, is designed to bring you home, not to keep you out. No one has built a roadblock and stationed someone there to turn you around and send you away. In fact, it is the exact opposite. God is in relentless pursuit of you. He “wants all of His children to choose to return to Him,” and He employs every possible measure to bring you back.

The intent of the Father’s great plan of happiness is your happiness, right here, right now, and in the eternities. It is not to prevent your happiness and cause you instead worry and fear.

The intent of the Father’s plan of redemption is in fact your redemption, your being rescued through the sufferings and death of Jesus Christ, freed from the captivity of sin and death. It is not to leave you as you are.

The intent of the Father’s plan of mercy is to extend mercy as you turn back to Him and honour your covenant of fidelity to Him. It is not to deny mercy and inflict pain and sorrow.

The intent of the Father’s plan of salvation is in fact your salvation in the celestial kingdom of glory as you receive “the testimony of Jesus”10 and offer your whole soul to Him.11 It is not to keep you out.

Jesus’s will is the benevolent Father’s will! He wants to make it possible for every last one of His Father’s children to receive the end goal of the plan—eternal life with Them. None is excluded from this divine potential.

If you are prone to worry that you will never measure up, or that the loving reach of Christ’s infinite Atonement mercifully covers everyone else but not you, then you misunderstand. Infinite means infinite. Infinite covers you and those you love.

Nephi explains this beautiful truth: “He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation.”

The Saviour, the Good Shepherd, goes in search of His lost sheep until He finds them. He is “not willing that any should perish.”

He did not cast away the woman with the issue of blood; He did not recoil from the leper; He did not reject the woman taken in adultery; He did not refuse the penitent—no matter their sin. And He will not refuse you or those you love when you bring to Him your broken hearts and contrite spirits. That is not His intent or His design, nor His plan, purpose, wish, or hope.

No, He does not put up roadblocks and barriers; He removes them. He does not keep you out; He welcomes you in. His entire ministry was a living declaration of this intent.

How could he be more direct? How could I dispute the Lord’s goodness and love? And Elder Kearon’s fun British accent adds to the sweetness of the truths he shares.

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 108

Is God disappointed in me?

I’ve asked myself this question many times. I’ve been hypervigilant for words that could give me hope that God isn’t upset, angered, and displeased with me. So I was grateful to hear this two years ago in April Conference: 

“God does not now see, nor has He ever seen, you as someone to be despised. . . He is not ashamed of you or disappointed in you.” —Elder Patrick Kearon 

I’ve known Kurt Francom through his Leading Saints organization, which I started following about seven years ago. Then I met Kurt five years ago at a retreat (see Part 48). I felt a kinship with him as we talked about how we wished our elders quorums were places where men could be more emotionally vulnerable and supportive. And how it’s common to crave the approval of others. And that it’s hard to see God as pleased with us when we make mistakes. So I could see the beginnings of the book taking root back then. 

As I was studying this book, I often thought: “I wish I’d had this years ago.” I also thought of several people I could send a copy to. It’s probably one of the most important books I’ve come across in the last 5 years. And it has only been available since last month. 

Here’s the summary taken from the back cover of the book:

As early as Primary, you may have absorbed this confusing message: “God loves us…but He’s so disappointed in you.”

For a religion that preaches hope, the message of “do more” often seems to win out.

With so many programs, assignments, callings, commandments, standards, and honor codes, how can you keep up?

The adversary highlights the shame you feel when you constantly fall short. Do you feel only heaviness as you consider the Latter-day Saint path to exaltation? How can God not be disappointed in someone like me?

The gospel was never meant to be exhausting, and God has never been disappointed in you.

God isn’t frustrated with you, and He isn’t looking to condemn you. Many are trying to gain strength by doing more, but true strength is found in turning to God.

In this book, you’ll gain an understanding of the following:

• God wants your heart, not your behavior
• Why you need commandments and covenants when God already offers you so much grace
• How God’s acceptance and love propels you into a relationship with Him
• Satan’s most powerful tool is shame, and it controls you more than you realize
• God is strengthening us by revealing our identity

Step into the pages of this book and discover a new relationship with a God who waits to shower you with love and approval. If you’re a Latter-day Saint, it’s time for you to experience the hope, power, and redemption the gospel of Jesus Christ offers.

The full title is Is God Disappointed in Me? Removing Shame from a Gospel of Grace. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve written about the destructive effects of shame several times on this blog. So one of my favorite parts of the book is Chapter Five: Identity. Usually, Satan doesn’t directly try to get me to do bad things. He attacks my identity as a beloved child of God. My divine nature. My infinite worth. He wants me to focus on my behavior more than my heart. It’s a very subtle approach. Yet, it is so effective. 

I highly recommend this book. 

(There’s an Audible version if you prefer to listen. On Amazon, it’s totally worth the $15.99, but you can get it at your local Costco for $9.99.) 

(Kurt has done several interviews/podcasts about this topic. One of my favorites is this one with Ritchie Steadman, host of The Cultural Hall. It’s about 53 minutes.)

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 107

No More Mr. Nice Guy

A few months ago I joined a men’s book discussion group. Every six weeks we choose a book to read and then hold an evening video conference to discuss it. The latest book was “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. 

I’d heard this book’s title thrown around a bit, and had even had it recommended to me by two different friends. But I must admit, I was hesitant to read it, mostly because I’ve always thought that being nice was a good thing. So it was providential that I needed to read it for the group discussion. 

After reading the book, I’ll say that I’ve probably been an 80% nice guy for most of my life. Here are some of the traits of the nice guy. Nice guys—

Seek acceptance from others 
Are conflict-avoidant
Are pleasers and givers
Are caretakers
Seek the right way to do things
Try to be perfect and avoid mistakes 
Care a lot about how others perceive them
Have a hard time saying no
Repress their feelings
Want to be different from their fathers
Are more comfortable being with women
Don’t want to rock the boat
Exert tremendous effort to make others happy
Are often co-dependent
Believe they are not OK as they are
Become a chameleon for whoever they are with
Tells people what they want to hear
Link their self-worth to the approval of others
Hide their true intention
Can be perfectionistic
Use indirect ways and manipulation to get what they want
Can be very controlling
Meet other people’s needs at the expense of getting their own needs met
Serve because they think it makes them look good, but might resent it
Are passive-aggressive 
Are afraid if others knew what they were really like, they would be rejected
Withold thoughts and emotions for fear of disapproval from others
Might disagree, but don’t say it, to avoid conflict and arguments
Don’t speak their preferences outright, but beat around the bush
Try to keep the peace 

Most people have some of these traits, but nice guys have most of them.

Luckily the book also includes information on how to move from the nice guy syndrome to becoming the ideal man. The ideal man—

Handles conflict and establishes boundaries.
Holds himself accountable for his own needs and desires.
Addresses and learns from his flaws and mistakes.
Takes charge and genuinely cares for his loved ones.
Communicates and shares his thoughts and emotions openly and honestly.
Builds healthy and meaningful relationships with everyone, including both women and men.

For so long, I was in self-deception about the destructive impacts of being a nice guy. At this point, I am healing from the unhealthy characteristics and increasing in the healthy characteristics. I’m grateful for this book and how it has enlightened my awareness. 

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Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist – Part 106

How a formula is born

For this month’s post, I will quote directly from my friend, Jason. It resonates with the perfectionist part of me. 

We men like formulas. We like bullet points. We like bright lines. They make life easier. They cut through mystery and doubt. We’d love it if such things could govern our relationships with God. They would make following him easier, too. At least, we think they would. So we try to create them. It starts innocently: Someone seeks God and finds him—through a specific prayer or practice, or through a particular way of studying Scripture or being in community or doing service. But, then, that person decides that’s “the” way to find God. Others are persuaded, of course, because they want to find God too. And a formula is born, a bullet point, a bright line, a rule about how our relationships with God must look.

The thing is, while God never changes (James 1:17, Hebrews 13:8), our relationships with him do. They’re ever-changing, ever challenging (2 Corinthians 3:18). There’s always more with God. There’s always mystery. And there’s always something new. But because we fear change and fear being challenged, we often cling to what’s worked in the past or what’s worked for someone else. We create a rule, repeat a ritual, but we may not grow and mature in our relationships with God.

Okay, so what do we do?

“Don’t set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do” (Matthew 23:8-10 MSG).

Set aside some time to pray and to listen. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Ask where you might find him next—maybe in Scripture; maybe through serving; or on a short-term mission; or out in his creation; or something else. Let him guide your thoughts. Let him keep you on track.