Wild at Heart

If you heard my devotional talk from last October, or if you read Part 35 of this blog, you know that I have had a difficult time my whole life trying to feel God’s love for me.  I’m sure part of that is because I have kept my heart somewhat closed and protected. So in this post I’m going to share an experience I had that significantly opened my heart to His love.  

A few years ago, a friend suggested I read the book Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul, by John Eldredge.  I did, and found the book fascinating.  

From the back cover of the book:  “Every man was once a boy. And every little boy has dreams, big dreams, dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress. But what happens to those dreams when we grow up? Walk into most churches, have a look around, and ask yourself: What is a Christian man? Without listening to what is said, look at what you find there. Most Christian men are . . . bored. Wild at Heart, invites men to recover their masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God.”

However, at that time I wasn’t in a place in my own journey to really embrace the concepts.  So I kept the book on my shelf and periodically revisited the ideas.

Then last fall I listened to a podcast on Leading Saints called Wild at Heart in Church Leadership: An Interview with Doug Nielsen.  The podcast reignited in me some of the things I had read and also applied it to our elders quorums.  While progress is being made in ministering to men in the Church, it seems that a lot of men are still in checklist mentality, living in should’s and ought to’s rather than living from a place of passion, connection, honesty, and vulnerability.  (See this article by my colleague, Sheldon Lawrence, A Quorum of Strangers: On the Isolation of Mormon Men.)  

I subscribe to the Leading Saints emails and I received one where Kurt Francom (owner of Leading Saints) described attending a retreat based on the Wild at Heart book and concepts.  The Warrior Heart boot camp was an opportunity to actually implement those concepts personally.  

As I read of Kurt’s experience there, my own heart yearned for a similar experience.  I looked into the possibility of attending. Things fell into place and I found myself in Wanship, Utah earlier this month.  For three days, I was continually presented with the idea that God loves me—unconditionally. For part of the first day my cold, closed heart held on tightly, skeptical that God could really love me that way.  But gradually I was convinced to let go of the hardness and the Lord broke down the barriers I had built up many years ago. He offered His Love to me over and over, and it sank deep into my heart. It was a truly transformational time for me.  

Why this retreat worked for me:

(First, let me say that the retreat isn’t for everyone.  I’m only sharing my own personal experience. I’m not advertising it and I don’t get a commission if others attend.)

1. I was in a place apart from “the world” in the mountains where the beauties of nature were all around me.  God’s handiwork was so evident. It was scenic and glorious.
2. We were asked to leave our phones and other devices in our cars, so we could unplug from the outside world and not be distracted.
3. The sessions were presented by men who have worked the concepts themselves.  They have walked the walk, and were very genuine and honest. The ideas presented were scripturally based and not just therapeutic.  
4. After each session we had alone time with God.  Just Him, me, and my journal. No putting on a front or trying to impress anyone.  Nothing else to do but to talk with Him. Share my fears, my shame, my sadness, my hopes, my passion, my resolve.  This is where I felt His love in my heart most convincingly.
5. I experienced a real sense of brotherhood and supportiveness from the other men there.  Not just from those who were facilitating the weekend, but from those who were, like me, attending for the first time.  I really only knew one other man there, yet in a matter of hours, previous strangers were sharing and interacting like old friends.  It was great to connect with them authentically.
6. In the past, when I had felt God’s love, it seemed like it was short-lived.  Soon after, I’d start doubting whether I actually felt it or not. But for the duration of the retreat, the feeling was constant.  There was no mistaking or denying it. In fact, part of the reason I’m writing about it here, is so that if I ever doubt His love in the future, I’ll have this as a reminder.   

As I drove home Saturday night, I wondered what it would take to get the same feeling in our elders quorums.  

To be continued . . . with Part 49

The Atonement Application Program

Years ago, when the Church realized that members needed help dealing with addiction, they looked at what worked and didn’t work.  In conjunction with LDS Family Services (then known as LDS Social Services) the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous were adapted into the framework of the doctrines, principles, and beliefs of the Church.  This was back in the late 1990s. Working with those who had experienced recovery, the first ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) guide was approved in 2002.  Since that time, many individuals have attended the weekly meetings and benefited from the principles in the program.  

I was first introduced to the program when I was a bishop of a YSA Ward at BYU-Idaho.  I encouraged several students to attend, and even attended one meeting with a young man from my ward who was too fearful to attend by himself.  

As a family, we decided to use the manual as a resource for our family home evening lessons for a few months.  It was interesting and I liked that there were some good scriptures and quotes incorporated into the steps.  But I didn’t really see that it applied to me.  After all, I wasn’t an addict.

Although I don’t have a bona fide addiction (like alcohol, drugs, pornography, gaming, etc.), I have compulsions, preferences, pleasures, fears, and impulses that sometimes take center stage over my better judgment.  

Recently, I’ve had a few acquaintances refer to the program and praise its approach.  And so I’ve picked it up again and begun studying it again.  One friend calls it the Atonement Application Program.  

It might work with addicts, but it’s not limited to them; everyone everywhere can benefit from it.  We all need to go through our Step 8s, our Step 3s, our Step 6s. If we believe it is only for people who are addicts, we are missing the message—the whole Grace message of Christ’s sacrifice.  We’ll miss seeing that we need Christ in our own selves.  But how poor a gauge we are of our own health.  That’s why we go to doctors.  They can give us doctor’s orders to change certain behaviors that are self destructive.  We don’t tend to find that out ourselves.  Hence, the need for a program.

If this program didn’t work, the Church wouldn’t waste resources on it.  But a tremendous amount of effort has been made.  Like this website.  And this series of inspirational videos.  And support groups that meet all over the country.  

Elder Ballard taught in the October 2010 General Conference:  “I testify to you that your body, mind, and spirit can be transformed, cleansed, and made whole, and you will be freed.”  

The truth shall make us free.  Free from bad habits, and faulty thinking patterns.  Free from the consequences of false ideas whispered by the adversary.  And free from perfectionistic compulsions.

To be continued . . . with Part 48

The Real Enemy

When I feel frustrated, inadequate, discouraged, my knee-jerk reaction is to identify where the problem is so that I can get past it.  The sooner I can get back to a “good place,” the better. So whatever is rocking the boat is the enemy. Often, I look to place blame on someone who has criticized or demeaned me.  Sometimes I feel that what is happening is “not fair.” I know that I tend to have an extreme sense of justice.

One of the mistakes I’ve made is misidentifying the real enemy.  

Satan strives to keep me stuck, to stop my progress.  He wants me to be damned, like he is. But he is very subtle.  He doesn’t make his presence obviously known to me. As Nephi says, “Others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance.”

Elder Renlund was specific when he taught: Lucifer is this accuser. He spoke against us in the premortal existence, and he continues to denounce us in this life. He seeks to drag us down. He wants us to experience endless woe. He is the one who tells us we are not adequate, the one who tells us we are not good enough, the one who tells us there is no recovery from a mistake. He is the ultimate bully, the one who kicks us when we are down.

If Lucifer were teaching a child to walk and the child stumbled, he would scream at the child, punish him, and tell him to quit trying. Lucifer’s ways bring discouragement and despair—eventually and always. This father of lies is the ultimate purveyor of falsehood and cunningly works to deceive and distract us, “for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.”

Pres. Nelson added:  The adversary is increasing his attacks on faith and upon us and our families at an exponential rate. To survive spiritually, we need counterstrategies and proactive plans.

So, one of my counterstrategies is this:  When I feel like life (or someone) isn’t treating me fairly, I stop and realize that Satan has a vested interest in me.  He’ll do what he can to cause me to react out of fear, or shame, or pride. If I can recognize where that’s coming from, I can reframe my thinking and choose a healthier reaction.  

If I’ve had an argument with someone, rather than saying to myself that I’m not good at communicating, I can recognize that the devil “stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.”  And I can set a boundary around faulty thinking, which helps me avoid the perfectionistic mindset.

When I come to realize that I and my fellow beings are not the enemy, I can adjust my thinking and my focus.  I can appropriately fortify myself against the real enemy.

To be continued . . . with Part 47

Objectification

What does it mean to objectify someone?  It means that I see/treat them as an object rather than as a person.  If I objectify someone I might see them (and their concerns) as an annoyance to be brushed aside so I can get past them and move on.  

An example of this might be a character in a video game.  I see this character coming toward me with a sword.  I need to fight him and get him out of the way so I can proceed in the game.  So I pull out my sword and slay him.  Or I see a character who has something I want (treasure, essence, a key, power) and if I eliminate him, I can take his possession and move to the next level better equipped to succeed.  

Since this video game character is not a real person, it’s easy to treat him as an object to be used for my own purposes.  But if he were a real person, would that change my behavior?

I can approach people from one of two operating systems:
Relational Operating System = All people have value.
Object Operating System = All people are objects, to be used.

To see people in terms of myself is to see an object, not a person.  Here are some ways I may see others as objects:

• better than me
• worse than me
• labeled by me
• a vehicle to help me get my way
• irrelevant
• a means by which I alter based on what I see

Objectifying is shame-based, selfish, impulsive, temporary, and stems from feelings of worthlessness.  

Reducing people to mere objects is the way I resist them and the human connection I have to them.  It is also the way I keep myself disconnected from others and the important part of me.

When I see others as real people it results in empathy, respect for them and for myself, feelings of value and worth, safety, and the ability to look past weakness.  

President Thomas S. Monson said, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

The better I feel about myself, the more I am able to treat others as valuable children of God.

To be continued . . . with Part 46

Embrace the Marginalized

A few years ago, Elder Robert C. Gay of the Seventy gave a commencement address at BYU-Idaho.  Among other things, he encouraged the graduates to “embrace the marginalized of this world, or as the Savior said, the lost, the last, and the least.”

Who are the marginalized?  What if one of these people showed up at your Sacrament Meeting?

What if someone joined your ward who was from Albania, or Nigeria, or Bolivia or Mongolia?  (Or Mars, for that matter.) What if they wore different clothing to church – a sarong or a kilt or a burka or a lavalava, or shorts and sandals?  What if a woman showed up with tattoos and body piercings? What if two men showed up who were living a gay lifestyle but who wanted the influence of the gospel in their life?  What if an unwed teenager who was obviously pregnant came to Sacrament Meeting? What if someone of a different political persuasion came? What about someone who reeked of tobacco smoke or alcohol?  An excommunicated man? A young lady who came home from her mission early? A returned missionary who is addicted to porn? An ex-convict who spent 20 years in prison?

How would we react if these people showed up at church?  Would we escort them back outside? Would we whisper about them behind their backs?  Would we avoid them? Or would we go up to them and welcome them, shake their hands, and introduce ourselves. 

Here’s a little quiz about how to react to people around us who are different:

When I see someone who is different from me, I should:

1. Avoid them so that their differentness doesn’t rub off on me.
2. Get to know them, so that I can be less judgmental and broaden my life experience.
3. Love them, as a brother or sister, regardless of their differences.

But what if someone else’s beliefs or practices are in direct opposition to gospel principles and true doctrine?  I should:

1. Criticize them or try to convert them.
2. Befriend them and engage in some civil dialogue with them.
3. Love them and pray for them.

I have a co-worker who continually blasts the church and it’s members.  I should:

1. Blast him back.  
2. Defend the church and try to show him the error of his ways.
3. Love him and be an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. (1 Tim 4:12)

Elder Uchtdorf taught:  I hope that we welcome and love all of God’s children, including those who might dress, look, speak, or just do things differently. It is not good to make others feel as though they are deficient. Let us lift those around us. Let us extend a welcoming hand.

To be continued . . . with Part 45

The Devotional Talk

I spoke at the weekly devotional at BYU-Idaho this past week.  (See the 3rd tab near the top of this page.)

Back in August when I was asked if I would speak this semester, I agreed, not knowing how much it would occupy my attention for several weeks.  I was not given a topic, but was told to share “my story.”  I was also told to not make it all about me but to give something that would bless students and make the talk more relatable to by the larger group.  Further, I was encouraged to use media to make it more engaging, and to not simply give a doctrinal talk but to think outside the box.  As I prayerfully approached the assignment, it became obvious what  my story is.

I started posting on Imperfect Guy in March of 2015, and have told my story through these monthly blog posts.  So I began reading through them to pull what I thought might be most helpful and started putting it together.  I had a limit of 3,000 words or about 20 minutes.  So as I narrowed it down, I prayed that I’d be guided to include the content that would benefit others.

The scriptures, books, quotes, pictures, and conference talks I referred to have been significant in my growth.

The list of 70 that I showed might seem overly long.  If I’d had time to choose one more for the talk, it would have been Counseling / Therapy.  It’s a huge area that’s so often overlooked because of the stigma associated with needing to see a “shrink.”

In my efforts to feel God’s love, mindfulness and guided imagery have been powerful, so I decided to add that at the end.  Dr. Gary Weaver calls it “calling council.”  I figured it might be a little bit unconventional, but hoped it would be effective.  (When I ask people to close their eyes and get comfortable in a dark room, it could be seen as a nice opportunity to take a short nap.)

Then I heard again a beautiful song with a message that fit the theme of the talk—Gentle, by Michael McLean.  Since I’m a singer, I thought I might sing that song at the end of the talk.  But we weren’t able to obtain permission to use the song.  And I thought it might draw more attention to me, instead of to the message.  Plus, it didn’t fit within the 20-minute guideline.

Preparing for and delivering the talk has been a tremendous learning experiences, which has brought me closer to God.

The talk wasn’t perfect . . . which is exactly the point.

(You can read or watch the devotional.  See the 3rd tab near the top of this page.)

To be continued . . . with Part 44

Continue in Patience

My perfectionism provokes me to impatience.  I can see that I’m improving and getting better each day, but it isn’t happening fast enough for me.  My natural tendency is to want perfection quickly—overnight.

When I’m in my perfectionism I want God to walk through the door and instantaneously make me complete.  I want him to wipe away all my imperfections in one fell swoop.

But God’s nature is line upon line.  And I have to accept that. When He perfects, it happens incrementally, here a little and there a little.  If He were to walk through the door, I wouldn’t be living by faith anymore. So many answers would suddenly come into view.  Should I falter from that point, I’d be held accountable.

So it’s because of His love that He perfects us bit by bit.  What infants we truly are. And He loves us enough to respect our agency.

The Apostle Paul was given a “thorn in the flesh,” lest he should be “exalted above measure” (1 Cor. 12:7).  This weakness, whatever it was, kept him human and was not removed.  It required Paul to learn patience and to continue growing gradually, even though he had been visited by the Lord.

If I look up Patience in the Guide to the Scriptures, it says, “See also Endure; Meek, Meekness.”  So I can work on enduring to the end and meekness.  These two will help me see the thorns of life as essential to my learning.

Two passages I really like refer to patience in the light of perfection:

Continue in patience until ye are perfected (D&C 67:13).

Let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire (James 1:4).

To be continued . . . with Part 41

Inclusion

When I watched the “Be One” celebration earlier this month, I was spiritually touched and emotionally moved.  I wept as I heard of the history and challenges of black members of the Church, and of their tremendous faithfulness.

I served my mission in 1975-1977, so that was before the Revelation on the Priesthood was received.  My second area was Queens, in New York City. A major street running east and west was Jamaica Avenue.  On the north side of that street lived mostly whites, and on the south side lived mostly blacks. Although both the north and south sides were in our assigned area, we seldom went into the south side.  My companion (who was just finishing his mission) explained to me that proselyting among blacks wasn’t very productive, because once they learned they couldn’t hold the priesthood, they wouldn’t want to hear anymore.  I remember thinking that there were potentially enough people on that south side to create a whole ‘nother ward.

Growing up in St. George, nearly everyone I knew was caucasian.  There were a few Native Americans who lived on the reservation nearby.  I met a few Hispanics and Polynesians. But no African Americans. I mostly saw them on TV and in movies.  Often they were depicted as slaves. And I learned about Pre-Civil War slavery in history classes at school.  I didn’t really hear any racist remarks from family or others. So I didn’t understand about segregation or or the civil rights movement.  When Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated, I was 12. I don’t remember hearing about it in the news. The first time I really thought about it was when I heard a popular song, “Abraham, Martin, and John.”

Then, after my mission, I went to BYU and spent time with Isaac Thomas—we were in the Young Ambassadors together.  [Isaac and I are at the far left in this group photo.]  He was such an amazing man!  He was the first black man I got to know well, and was a blessing to all who knew him.  [By the way, you should hear his story here.]

All of this is to say that I was never taught or indoctrinated to be racist in my youth.  For me, there was never a question of inclusion.

Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, former Young Women General President taught:  The adversary would have us be critical or judgmental of one another. He wants us to concentrate on our differences and compare ourselves to one another. You may love to exercise vigorously for an hour each day because it makes you feel so good, while I consider it to be a major athletic event if I walk up one flight of stairs instead of taking the elevator. We can still be friends, can’t we?

When we compare ourselves to one another, we will always feel inadequate or resentful of others. We just need to relax and rejoice in our divine differences. We need to realize that we all desire to serve in the kingdom, using our unique talents and gifts in our own ways.

Whereas here on earth there is often just one winner of a prize (the Nobel Prize, Miss Universe, the Tour de France, the National Spelling Bee, America’s Got Talent, etc.), the kingdom of heaven is one of inclusion.

Whereas Lucifer would whisper that if I don’t get the highest score in the class on a final exam I’m inadequate, God whispers to me that I—and all of us—can make it.  He doesn’t grade on a curve. All are alike unto Him.

To be continued . . . with Part 40