You’re not perfect yet.

This month I’m going to pull content straight from a short article on the Church’s website.

You’re not perfect yet, and that’s OK!
Do you struggle with getting down on yourself, especially when you mess up?

Some guilt is spiritually healthy. For example, if we sin and feel bad about it, we may want to repent and do better next time. That’s a positive process.

On the other hand, we can be paralyzed by a fear of making a mistake. This attitude of perfectionism can be poisonous to our progression. Put simply, perfectionism means you want to be better without ever messing up or expressing strong emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety, and fear. Instead of learning from our mistakes and moving on, we spend a lot of energy dwelling on past mistakes or avoiding growing experiences altogether.

Sound familiar? If so, here are some things to think about:

Emotions are strengths, not weaknesses.
We can focus on improvement, not perfection.
God understands that we may sometimes make mistakes. And learning from the mistakes we make is part of His plan for our progression.
The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers our weaknesses and shortcomings as well as our sins.

Our prophet, President Russell M. Nelson, taught that our perfection is pending. True perfection will not be achieved in this mortal life, but in the next life, after we are resurrected, through the grace of Jesus Christ.

Watch this video about a young woman’s journey in overcoming perfectionism.

Nearer and Clearer

The more I learn about perfection, the more I come to realize that I can’t perfect myself. I can only be perfected in Christ. Although I can’t perfect myself, I can make choices that will keep me on a path to greater light and truth. And with greater light and truth, I can see things more clearly. This aligns with a statement by Joseph Smith which I call the “nearer and clearer” promise: 

“The nearer man approaches perfection, the clearer are his views, and the greater his enjoyments, till he has overcome the evils of his life and lost every desire for sin; and like the ancients, arrives at the point in faith where he is wrapped in the power and glory of his Maker and is caught up to dwell with him. But we consider that this is a station to which no man ever arrived in a moment” (Joseph Smith, History of the Church, 2:8).

This is actually happening to me—on a small scale. When I invite the Savior into me, He changes my heart, little by little, and I take on His attributes a little more. As a result, I have eyes to see things and ears to hear things more readily. Things that may have been hidden from my younger self. 

This has all been a gift, nothing I have earned or deserved, really. 

As I reflect, I can think of a few things that have contributed to this change of heart. 

I think part of it has been the fact that I’m spending more time in the temple. President Nelson promised blessings from increased time in the temple, and I’m realizing that. 

“It is significant that the Savior chose to appear to the people at the temple. It is His house. It is filled with His power. Let us never lose sight of what the Lord is doing for us now. He is making His temples more accessible. He is accelerating the pace at which we are building temples. He is increasing our ability to help gather Israel. He is also making it easier for each of us to become spiritually refined. I promise that increased time in the temple will bless your life in ways nothing else can… My dear brothers and sisters, may you focus on the temple in ways you never have before. I bless you to grow closer to God and Jesus Christ every day” (Russell M. Nelson, CR, November 2022).

Another reason I’m experiencing this is because I’m now retired and have more time to spend serving others. And when we give, we receive back manifold. The Lord is giving me more opportunities to minister and be ministered to. And I’m in a good position to respond to those opportunities. 

“There are doors we can open, blessings we can give, hearts we can heal, burdens we can lift, testimonies we can strengthen, lives we can save, and joy we can bring” (Russell M. Nelson, CR, April 2018).

I give thanks to the Lord for His grace, which has allowed me to see things more clearly. 

Hear Him

The prophet has encouraged us to spend time with the Lord and learn to “Hear Him.” For much of my life, I’ve wondered about how to really do that. How to feel His spirit and know that’s what I’m feeling. It has been described as a “burning in the bosom” or a “still, small voice.” Some experience chills, others a feeling of warmth or comfort. I’ve actually had all of these, to some extent, but not as profoundly as it sounds like others have. 

My perfectionistic inclinations would have me limit the ways in which the Lord can speak to me. But I’m becoming more convinced that everyone is so unique. The way we experience life is unique. Two people can experience the same event and come away with significantly different perspectives. 

So why wouldn’t the Lord speak to me in ways specific to me? He does! 

I get quiet promptings, thoughts, and impressions throughout any given day. These would come under the “still, small voice” category. But when I really want to hear Him, I get mindful. I find that when I can move from the analytical part of me to the creative part of me, I can commune with Him relatively easily. Just in the past few weeks, I’ve had times where He has answered some questions and calmed some fears I’ve had for a long time. In fact, one experience was quite miraculous. All it took was for me to “be still” and exercise faith in Him to a higher degree. 

President David O. McKay was a proponent of mindfulness, which he called meditation. 

“I think we pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion. Meditation is the language of the soul. It is defined as ‘a form of private devotion or spiritual exercise, consisting in deep, continued reflection on some religious theme.’ Meditation is a form of prayer.

“Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay). 

As a proponent of mindful living, it makes sense that the Lord would speak to me through this method. Nephi tells us “For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding (2 Nephi 31:3).” Since mindfulness is part of my language, the Lord individualizes his voice to me in this way. I’ve come to see Him as a very personal, compassionate, merciful Being.

Jesus as Deliverer

(This is a continuation of the previous post.) 

There are two ways to look at a Deliverer.

One is that he delivers us from something. Like bondage or errors. 

The other is that he delivers something to us. Like the mail carrier does, or the pizza delivery guy, or like a woman delivering a baby.  

Jesus puts in our path resources to help us move forward in our progression. He delivers to us opportunities for growth. These might come in the form of:

A podcast, a friend, a conference talk, a therapist, a meme or YouTube video, a challenge, a paradigm shift, a class or course, medication, technology, a mentor, a support group, a new beginning, and the list goes on. 

Because Jesus is a Comforter, he delivers to us comfort. 

He delivers peace, because he is the Prince of Peace. 

He delivers to us truth and light. 

He delivers strength and resilience. 

He delivers healing and hope. 

He delivers ordinances and covenants. 

As the Good Shepherd, he delivers us to pastures green and sweet.

He prepares a supper and invites us to partake freely.

At His glorious Second Coming, He will deliver us to the next level of existence.

I have a strong testimony of the enabling power of The Savior’s atonement. There are so many things he helps me to accomplish, which I couldn’t in and of my own self. He truly is the source of every good thing. He is the vine and I am the branch. In the same way that the roots and trunk of a tree provide nourishment and sustenance to the branches, Jesus Christ is the living water and the bread of life that gives me growth, strength, and fruits. I am perfected in Him.

To be continued . . . with Part 102.

Deliverer and Rescuer

Jesus has many names, titles, and roles: Messiah, Good Shepherd, Master, Alpha & Omega, The Vine, The Anointed One, Savior, King, Redeemer, etc.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about Jesus Christ as Deliverer and Rescuer. Jesus is the Deliverer of mankind because He rescues all from the bondage of death and the repentant from the penalties of sin.

The word “deliverer,” in Hebrew, means “to cause to escape; to carry away safely.” The Savior “causes us to escape and carries us away safely,” delivering us from the evil one.

The scriptures are full of examples of how the Lord has delivered his children:

He delivered Abraham from the pagan priests.

He delivered Isaac from Abraham with a ram. 

As a type of Christ, Moses delivered the children of Israel from Egypt.

The Passover, signified the delivery of the firstborn sons of the Israelites. 

Moses raised up a brazen serpent in the wilderness, which, if the people looked on they were healed.

Daniel in the lion’s den was delivered from the lions.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were delivered from the fiery furnace. 

Esther and the Jews were delivered from Haman’s decree.

Naomi and Ruth were delivered by Boaz, a type of Christ. 

The Lord delivered Jonah from the belly of the whale.

The Lord delivered Noah and his family from the great flood. 

Joseph was delivered from Potiphar and from prison to become second in command to Pharoah.

David was delivered from Goliath because of his trust in the Lord. 

Peter was rescued from sinking into the water.

The Lord delivered Peter and John from prison. Also Paul.

In performing his many miracles, Jesus delivered people from the effects of mortality: diseases, demonic possession, the blind, the deaf, the lame. 

The Lord delivered the family of Lehi from the destruction of Jerusalem.

He delivered Nephi from his older brothers. 

Alma and Amulek from prison.

The Nephites when they fought in the strength of the Lord.

The believers from those who sought their lives. 

And when he visited the Nephites at the temple in Bountiful, he again performed many miracles, delivering them from their afflictions and infirmities. 

In the latter days, the Lord delivered Joseph Smith by preserving his life so he could begin ushering in the restoration of the Gospel. 

He delivered the saints by guiding them across the plains to the Salt Lake Valley. 

But sometimes, the Lord doesn’t promise deliverance. 

Paul had a thorn in the flesh, and he prayed multiple times for it to be removed, but it wasn’t. 

Abinadi was burned and not rescued.

Many Anti-nephi-lehies were killed at the hands of the Amulonites and Amalakites. 

The original 12 apostles of Christ each were martyred for what they believed. 

Some of the pioneers in the handcart companies didn’t make it to the valley. 

Christ may not always give physical deliverance, but He offers deliverance from physical and spiritual death, through the power of His atonement. 

In today’s world, we are also looking for a deliverer. We are looking for a superhero to rescue us from disasters & villains. Why do you think the DC and Marvel movies are so popular?

Christ still delivers us today. Not so much from villains and disasters. But . . . 

From our natural man tendencies.

From addictions.

From the pain of past mistakes, bad choices.

From the hands of the adversary.

From the bondage of sin. 

He delivers us from the consequences of false information that can come to us from other people. 

As a hen gathers her chickens under her wings, Christ delivers us from those who would destroy us. 

He delivers me from my perfectionistic tendencies. 

 To be continued . . . with Part 101.

The Reunion and Self-care

Part of my perfectionism is the desire to avoid rejection. If I don’t perform at a certain level of excellence it won’t be acceptable to others. Another part is the desire to fit in. I need to meet the expectations of others, in order to belong. 

This past weekend I attended a family reunion at Grandpa’s Farm in Southern Utah. My mother’s side of the family holds an extended reunion on the last weekend in June on the odd years. My maternal grandfather, Arthur Delano Cox had a farm just west of Rockville and across the river from Grafton. He passed it on to his oldest son Alma Cox, who ran the farm until he became too old. Then he passed it on to his oldest son, Tracy Cox. Tracy has maintained the farm and made it available to the family for reunions. 

Typically, we’ve had assignments as part of the reunion activities, and the responsibilities (meals, games, hikes, swimming, program, etc.) would rotate through the 1st generation cousins. And, because of my perfectionism, I’ve usually felt a lot of pressure to get things exactly right, whatever my responsibility was. And it took precedence over developing connections with my relatives. This is the Martha vs. Mary issue. And I’ve tended to be a Martha in the past.

But many of the responsibilities have now been passed down to the next generation. So I was able to mostly just relax, and spend time with family. It was different and wonderful. 

Many of the attendees camp at the farm for a few days. So there are a lot of tents, RVs, trailers, etc. But this time I reserved a hotel in LaVerkin (about 17 minutes from the farm). I was able to sleep in a comfortable bed and get a shower each morning. This meant getting good sleep and helping me have a better start to the day. I also picked up some healthy food and put it in a cooler, so I wouldn’t be at the mercy of whatever was being served. 

So this year, I did more to promote my own self-care. And it felt really good. When I’m healthier mentally and emotionally, I bring a healthier version of myself to others. 

To be continued . . . with Part 100.

Resources for Youth

I was grateful to see this article in the For the Strength of Youth magazine a few months ago. I’m glad youth are given an opportunity to see perfection in a healthier way. 

The Savior said, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). This is not an invitation to do everything flawlessly. It is an invitation to better understand Heavenly Father’s plan and follow Him.

In the New Testament, the Greek word for perfect means complete, whole, or fully developed, having reached an end-goal. Jesus Christ invites us to strive for that kind of perfection. And He alone can help us to reach it—eventually.

Our Father in Heaven wants us to have the physical and spiritual perfection He has. Then we can have a fulness of joy like He has. Through Jesus Christ’s Resurrection and atoning sacrifice, we can be made perfect—eventually.

Heavenly Father knows that we cannot be perfect in this life. But in His plan, we can choose to have faith in Jesus Christ, make covenants, strive to keep God’s commandments, and repent whenever we falter. Then He can bless us in this life and—eventually, after this life—make us perfect.

And this article by Elder Holland was in the same issue of the FSY magazine—also giving hope to youth. 

The scriptures were written to bless and encourage us, and surely they do that. But have you noticed that every now and then a passage will appear that reminds us we are falling a little short? For example: “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father … in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). With that commandment, we want to go back to bed and pull the covers over our head. Such a celestial goal seems beyond our reach. Yet surely the Lord would never give us a commandment He knew we could not keep.

“Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him,” Moroni pleads. “Love God with all your might, mind and strength, then … by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ” (Moroni 10:32; emphasis added). Our only hope for true perfection is in receiving it as a gift from heaven—we can’t “earn” it.

Except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement and avoid excessive expectations of ourselves and of others.

If we persevere, then somewhere in eternity our refinement will be finished and complete—which is the New Testament meaning of perfection.

I wish I’d had articles such as these in The New Era when I was a kid. But then, I don’t know that perfectionism was talked about, much less understood on a general level in the ‘70s. With more helpful information, youth today may be able to avoid some of the pitfalls of past generations. 

To be continued . . . with Part 98.

The Imperfect Harvest

This month, I recommend a talk from the recent General Conference: Elder Vern P. Stanfill’s “The Imperfect Harvest.” Here’s a short excerpt. 

Remember that perfectionism is not the same as being perfected in Christ. Perfectionism requires an impossible, self-inflicted standard that compares us to others. This causes guilt and anxiety and can make us want to withdraw and isolate ourselves. Becoming perfected in Christ is another matter. It is the process—lovingly guided by the Holy Ghost—of becoming more like the Savior.

You can read, hear, and view the whole talk here. 

To be continued . . . with Part 98.

What’s in a name? 

Do you know anyone else named Arlen? It’s not a very common name. I was named after my parents. My dad’s name is Arthur and my mom’s name is Lenna. So they took the Ar from my dad and added the len from my mom, and came up with Arlen. I believe they thought they made it up. 

Apparently, it’s a name of Gaelic origin that means oath, pledge, or promise. Variations of Arlen include: Arlin, Arlan, Arlynn, Arden, Alden, Arlo, Arles, Harlan, and Arland. The female version is Arlene. (Harold Arlen composed the songs for the Wizard of Oz.) 

Rarely, I’ll encounter someone else named Arlen. I probably notice it more because I’m hyper-aware of it. But still, it doesn’t come up too often. 

At times in my life, I’ve been embarrassed by my name, especially when it is mispronounced or when I’m asked how to spell it. And so there are times when I’ve gone by my middle name, David, which is much easier to say and spell. When I order food at a restaurant and they ask for a name, I’ll usually say Dave. 

All this is to say that I’ve not really appreciated my first name much. 

A few weeks ago, I was doing a mindful exercise in which I spent some time with Jesus Christ. As part of the exercise, He showed me where my name was written on the palm of His hand. (See Isaiah 49:16.) I felt humbled, grateful, and fully known as I saw Arlen written on his hand! I recognized that his sacrifice was for me, specifically, personally, individually!

Another experience I had recently was visualizing the parable of the prodigal son. Using an eye of faith, I saw myself coming home to my Father, after having left him for worldly pursuits. As I near my home, I see Him running toward me. He’s laughing and crying at the same time, and also calling my name—Arlen. He says it with so much compassion and joy! I’ve not heard my name spoken that way before. It’s wonderful and healing! 

“But now thus saith the Lord . . . Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.” (See Isaiah 43:1.) 

To be continued . . . with Part 97.